I Lost My Best Friend My Husband Bill

[wolftracks]

Trying to get myself moving to go to the VA in a couple of hours and here I sit.

Don't know why everything started falling apart that day, but my Sportsman hit 115 degrees because we stuck a lamp inside, because the temps started dropping to 95 and below. I lost 65 eggs and have been using my LG, but it's full and I have a bunch of FBCM eggs froom my Bev Davis flock he had just bought me. I only found 2 out of 12 developing at all and lost them all. I have a few in the LG and 7 or 8 needing to go in and after replacing the thermostat and wafer it still isn't going so now I need a heating unit. I need to find one I can afford and after this month I may not be able to afford anything again for who knows how long. I can't lose these eggs. He drove me 2 hrs each way to pick up these birds and bought them for me. No one understands what it is about my chickens that I need except Bill and he's not here to still up for me. They keep telling me the birds need to go since I won't be able to afford them. I was hoping to get a new flock built from this one and have some hatching eggs to sell, but they think I'm an idiot.

I've lost 5 birds and one rabbit since I lost Bill. I have a run that somehow the hardware wire came loose yesterday while I was at SS and came home to a yard full of Game hens driving all the others crazy by walking back and forth in front of their runs, so I just let them free range and went out to lock them up after dark. I have 1 missing. Don't know where she is, but if one gets passed the fence here I usually don't find it again.

Things keep breaking. Things can't be found. My daughter and my granddaughter were with me at SS yesterday and spent their time in the restroom, sick as dogs and now I'm feeling dizzy and sick to my stomach too. I don't have time to be sick. I'm having a hard time walking out the door this morning to feed and water. We were going to make new feeders and waterers that week and I was showing Bill the different ones everyone on here had come up with. No money left for all that, but I have to come up with something in case I fall apart completely. The birds have kept me from that until now after I lost my parents a couple of months ago, but since Bill left I just can't function. He was a procrastinator, but he motivated me. Weird huh?

I did manage to get all my swaps out this monday. Bill helped me pick out kitchen towels and I sent extra eggs so they wouldn't go bad here until I could get this bator fixed.

OK...........feed and water, take a shower and get to the VA or call Derek to get me there.

Don't throw up.

I can do this. At least some of it.

 

[texasgal]

I was just thinking about you ...

 

[chickenlyn]

I just read a few of your posts, as I am new to the chicken world. I grieve with you, so sorry for your losses,as you have had more than a few. It sounds as if Bill was the glue holding your family together, and I expect everyone is still in shock and on autopilot. Is there a neighbor who could come over and share the bird chores with you for a few weeks until you find your rhythm again? Are you feeling undue pressure that Bill will be let down if you have some failures? That would not be very fair to yourself. I hope I am not intruding by making suggestions; sometimes it's hard to think when you have had such a shock.
Please know I am in prayer for you and your family.

 

[wolftracks]

Ok wish me luck. Leaving for the VA to meet up with Derek.

I'm shaking inside and out. I'm sick to my stomach and don't know if I'm catching something or it's just the same sick as I've had the past 2 weeks.

Two weeks? Has it been that long? That short? Unreal.

 

[wegotchickens]

 

[wolftracks]

Well VA was not so good.

After Bill spent the last year making sure he could afford to take care of us, we're worse than when he started.

I'm tired. I feel bad for women with children who lose their husbands in war and have to go through this same situation.

We moved in here in March and it's a tiny 2 bd house that's not in very good shape and to small to even be comfortable in. Bill was upset about having us have to be here in this area, but it was a resting place until his rating went up and we could buy a house. Why did I relax that sunday? He said we were finally going to have a place of our own again and be able to help other people again. He actually got me to stop feeling like something horrible was going to happen and I was relieved for a few hours. Then I woke up and found him.

At least his youngest son can go to college if he wants to and so can my youngest daughter and my 14 year old son. My youngest just called me from his grandmother's where except the funeral he has been all summer. He starts High School on the 11th and orientation is on the 5th. First bill so far is $100 and cost of his pictures which they will take at orientation. It was so nice to know he wasn't going to have to struggle through with very little this year and now he's telling me he'll even collect cans to help pay the rent. Never got quit that bad before, but I'm thinking it might be that bad now. Poor baby. He's had Bill as a dad since he was 1. I can tell he's sad, but he says he's alright and he'll help me now.

I've had so many bad thing happen to me in my life and I could only talk to Bill about them. He got physically worse after he met me. Things started going really bad for him too. I just feel like he paid for even being around me. He did so much for me when he still could and put up with me and my difficulties and it's like I caused this to happen to him. Maybe I'm not meant to have complete happiness and since his money came through I had to lose him to take everything away. I could deal with what's going to happen next if he was here, but I have to stop and calm down just so I don't have another stroke! I'm tired and scared and I feel so alone even when I know I have people to talk to I just need Bill to guide me through this. I want him to come and talk to me and tell me what I should do and make sure I stay alive long enough for Dakotah to grow up and know he'll do alright even with his problems.

Sorry. I'm tired, confused and I just want to wake up and have him here. Nothing big. Just here with me. I think they're going to have to lock me in a looney bin, cause I AM losing it.

 

[WingingIt]

Sweetie,

I know I don't know you and I didn't know Bill, but I feel as if I know each of you a bit after reading here. One thing I DO know 100% is that none of this is your fault and Bill was not being punished for being around you. Bill, as so many of our veterans are, loved taking care of people. THAT'S what made him happy and content. I can guarantee you that having you and the children to take care of was a dream come true for him.

I'm glad to hear about the education benefits for the children. I hope that they (will, as they get older) realize what a great gift they've been given by him. I know they'll honor him by taking advantage of it and following their own dreams and helping others, just as he always did.

You keep talking to us. We're here to listen and brainstorm and just send some hugs, too.

 

[verthandi]

Wolftracks, If your and Bill's children are eligible for Educational benefits, you are also eligible. I know that is not something that you might be considering at the moment. But you will receive money to return to College or they will help you with training to get ready to go to College or vocational training. (Many of my classes are on-line from my local University and I complete them from home, but it has done me a world of good to go to the University once a week and be with other people.) If you check with your State, you might also find that you are eligible for a State Waiver for College tuition. If your State has the waiver, that means is your schooling tuition would be waived and you would receive the educational benefits to help with other expenses. You should also be receiving Champ-Va health insurance. It takes a while to kick in after the 100% rating, but it has good coverage.


http://www.cacvso.org/contentpage.asp?ContentID=183 CA waiver

 

[DragonEggs]

I can just imagine the tears flowing over your cheeks everytime you type us an update. You are stronger than you know, stronger than I believe I or many others could be in your situation. Just keep waking up and getting out of bed each day, after that it's just one foot in front of the other. Don't push for more than that till you're ready, and only you will know when you're ready. I'm very proud of you and how you have handled everything so far. Everyone around you (and Bil)l are giving you some of their strength to help you keep going, I know you won't give up because it would let him down. You are stronger than you think.

I'm working on getting you one of those roos, if you still want him. If you don't think you can handle it right now just let me know.

 

[woolychicken]

SO SORRY YO HEAR ABOUT BILL. HE SOUNDS LIKE A WONDERFUL MAN. WHEN YOU TOLD US OF YOUR BIRTHDAYS TOGETHER I STARTED TO CRY HARDER MY HUSBAND AND MINE ARE ALSO LIKE THAT. MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU.
ALL OUR PRAYERS FOR YOUR FAMILY.