I Lost My Best Friend My Husband Bill

[vickibiro]

that's normal to be so tired according to both my doctor and my therapist. Give yourself permission to be tired. Grief is hard work. I am tired too. It's eight weeks for me today. Hard still to wrap my head around what has happened. Nothing matters to me like it did before. The whole world has changed. My only constant are my family and my animals. Friends have come and gone, some have left, some have moved in closer. My job doesn't matter like it did before. My life is moving in a different direction, I'm sure yours is too. Just hang on and see where it takes you. A positive attitude and being grateful for the time you had together will get you far. I miss the encouragement I used to get on a daily basis now it's all up to me and me alone. That's hard, but I know my husband would not want me to fall to pieces right now. I am trying to be the woman he saw in me.

 

[wolftracks]

Hi Vicki

I was thinking about you.

Ya know when you first posted about the coop and losing your husband, I read the thread. I was so heartbroken for you. I showed Bill the coop and he was amazed at it. It felt very bad for your lose. We were both happy to see that people were reaching out to you to help. Funny how a first part of the same country can be so different.

I posted before about chasing the hearse at 85 mph and when we went back to Oklahoma for my dad's funeral in May, Bill and I were both shocked that people back there still stopped their cars and most even got out and stood there while we all passed by. We could remember those things from when we were younger, but California has becme a too fast place and I guess with all the deaths here, people figure they don't have the time to be curtious. Too bad.

I hope your hanging in there. I tried to sign up on the site you gave me. I've been trying since last week and it won't let me get passed the submit button without saying it's invalid or no such ID. I did email them last night, but I can't get my email to open today, so don't know if they even answered. I visited a couple of sites for Veteran wives, but haven't tried to sign up yet. I need to add those sites to the first page of the other thread and anything else I can find to help others in here that find themselves in the same situation, although I pray they never do.

I'm sorry this is they way you and I had to meet, but it's nice to have someone to go through this with that knows what I'm feeling. How does the ime go by so quickly? I guess it's because I have nothing done and nothing yet to get my feet on the ground. I leave this house and I'm a wreck and every time I go to someone for help I feel like I'm bothering them. At least that's the way most of them make me feel. I'm tired of being looked at like I'm an idiot or wasting so much precious time that could be spent on someone more worthy.

I wish I hadn't stopped talking to Bill about all the insurance he wanted to buy. I wish he had just done it and told me later. He was also a procrastinator so that didn't help, but I felt like if he signed them something bad would happen to him. How stuoid am I any way? The money would have helped, but wouldn't have brought him back but it would have helped keep us going. I just felt like he may have felt that I wanted money instead of him. Does that make since?

Geez just nothing makes since right now. I just feel so lost and all alone and I'm getting worse every day. I don't know how to stop crying and it's taking an effect on Dakotah and Kayla. I just can't stop, cause Bill isn't here to hold me and tell me he'll make things better. I knew I really loved him and we knew we were soulmates. People thought we were mushy, but that's ok, I just feel like I loved him more than he ever really knew and I feel bad he didn't know I loved him this much, because I took for granted he'd always be here and he'd know more and more.

I really think I'm going crazy. I don't know what to do with myself. I know he wouldn't want me like this, but he knew I would be. He knew he was the only person I could depend on for everything.

GOD??? I wish that I had July 4th to do again and the strength to put him in the car and take him to the hospital. I wish we had known about his heart disease and he could have been on meds. My SIL has been on them since January. Bill told him to be serious about them and make sure he followed his doctors instructions. Would have been nice to have a heads up. Why was he sooooo stubburn!

When do you get the feeling back? I'm numb and drained. I can't believe this is all really happening. Sometimes it's too real and others I just thino I have to be doing something to bring him back.

 

[sfw2]

Wolftracks, my heart is breaking for you. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through - if I try, my brain won't let me go there.

Please don't think that you're not worthy of help from folks! If the people you talk to seem impatient of detached, it may be their coping mechanism for working with those who are going through tragedies like yours. Don't give up.

I wish we were closer, and I hope that you find somebody who'll walk with you through the process of getting everything taken care of. I'm sure Bill knew how much you loved him, and you know he loved you, too. That shows how worthy you are!

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

I don't doubt for one second that Bill knew how much you loved him!!

And yes, let people help you. People want to help and t makes them feel gppd to help. Sometimes the nicest thing you can do for another person is to let them help you.

Grief is its own process, there is no time line, no pattern, it is just yours. I was overwhelmed by grief the other day at the loss of my aunt who died last year. Grief is like that. Hang in there.

 

[vickibiro]

Hang in there girl, sometimes grief is like waves of the ocean. Some are easier to ride than others. I feel like I just got smacked in the head with a Tsunami this morning. But a little coffee, a hot shower and hopefully things will get a little better. Days like this I can't hope for a great day, but I can make it a good day. Hugs, Vicki

 

[PortageGirl]

Wolftracks, I didn't speak up last month, or when Vickibiro lost her husband, I guessed it was all pretty overwhelming at the time and didn't really think I had much to add at the time. Now though, I'd like to say that as terrible as it is to lose loved ones, I think talking a little about it here is a good thing, and not just for those who have lost someone. I hope others read this thread and see and hear how sudden loss can strike any of us, maybe learn a little from it. In your and Vicki's cases, the loved ones were young enough that this was very unexpected, but even when it's an older parent or spouse, it's still a shock, no doubt about it!

Something I learned when I lost my Mom, when people offer help... you do them a kindness to accept it. It's a sort of gift that goes both ways. When you accept, or even ask a dear friend to help you somehow, they are relieved and feel better doing something concrete for you, and maybe it can take the tiniest bit of stress off your shoulders.

 

[SunshineSteedFarm]

I am so sorry for your loss. I just want to know that all of BYC is here for you. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

 

[vickibiro]

listen to Portage Girl and let people help

I had so much help in the first month after Scott's death. The help started waning off and it was a relief because I needed time alone. But there are still people who help me. Just today someone came and took me out to Cracker Barrel for a late lunch and helped me get through all of my filing. WOW! For the first time in my adult life all my papers are in order. Yesterday a friend sent a meal over. They are happy to do it and it really does help out. Let yourself be helped and if you need something don't be afraid to ask.

 

[BarredBuff]

I just saw this thread. I am so so so sorry for your losses. May God be with you. My prayers are for you.

 

[ourlittleflock]

I just sit here and read this thread after running across it - What can I say but I have very tough skin and this one broke me down - balling tears for you = I pray that time makes everything easier for you.. May GOD be with you and give you the strength you need to carry on