I Lost My Best Friend My Husband Bill

[wolftracks]

I woke up at 8:30 this morning. Same time exacty as a month ago. I just kept trying to go bad to sleep and then the phone started ringing off the hook and I got to the point I couldn't ignore it any longer.

Nothing is done around here. No new grow out coop, feeders and waterers.

Yesterday should have been my son Dakotah's first day of school and they didn't have room in the school he's been so excited about. They're trying to find him space, but it's in the city next to ours and he's been on an inter-district transfer since we moved here. We were working on buying a house not far from the school and I don't have the means to buy it now. He doesn't want to go to the school in our district and I don't blame him. He never just goes out doors around here. The kids his age toss on their red T-shirts the minute they get home and houses are hit by one gang from another. He doesn't want to get hit in the cross fire. Bill was a special stepdad. He wasn't ever close to his own kids which really bothered me. Only one really even knew him. I've always felt bad about not knowing his kids and giving them the chance to find out if I was concidered the evil stepmother or not. He spent so much time with Dakotah and our 4 yr old granddaughter Makayla and he was everything to them, but his own don't even know him and how wonderful he really was.

Bill hated talkiing about certain times in his life. He used to just say that I wouldn't have liked him and he was affraid I'd hate him if he told me. I can't imagine what would have changed my feeling for him unless they would violent or dangerous. He said he used to drink all the time and he was obnoxious and didn't care about anything or anyone. Not the Bill we all knew at all, but others did. He went and got help and they told him he was self medicating. He quit drinking. He walked away from everything and became our Bill. The one everyone know here and the one everyone told me was the perfect man for me. I really wish I had listened to people sooner. He always felt guilty about not keeping in contact, but although he was never affraid of anything, it scared him to try to contact his own kids. But man was he special when it came to all of my kids and the grandkids. My 17 year old granddaughter misses her talks with grandpa. She said she could talk to him about anything and she doesn't have anyone who can just listen and help her decide what she needs to do with some things he helped her with.

Everyoone loved this Bill. OK not the ones who he didn't put up with so much, but almost everyone he met and spent time with is crushed right now. I've been razed over the years for taking him away from everyone else. His friends always asked what I did to get him to want to be around me all the time and not hang out with them. I wish I knew. We spent almost all over our time together. There were so few times we spent apart it's just so hard that he's not here now.

I'm trying to just come in here and post on this thread once in a while and read along with my chicken family to see what all of you are doing. Trying to find my mind that I'm losing. This kind of helps me get some things out that I have no one to say them to and then I go cry until one of the kids finds me. Makayla says I scare her when I cry. Dakotah is already an emotional wreak and he checks on me when he hears me, but he has no idea what to do for me. He shouldn't have too. This house is so small there is too little space to just go and hide and let it all out. I need to go someplace and scream, but I always have Makayla with me, so that's out until my daughter gets back from out of state.

I'm sitting here texting info to my oldest daughter right now. She's getting burial insurance on me. Poor daughters took care of everything and they shouldn't have had too. Now they're making sure mom is covered when I go.

I got some money I forgot about. I knew there was a little money coming from my dad, but didn't know when the estate would be taken care of. If Bill had still been here I would have bought him a gift with this money. I got him so little compared to what he got for me and all the kids. Now I'm using it to cover the next couple of months rent instead. Still nothing and not looking good from Social Security. VA drags it's heels for everyone, so who knows how long until they tell me for sure that we get nothing. I want to leave this house and find a place for the kids and the animals. Something I can figure out how to buy without Bill's help. Tried before I met him and it didn't happen and was just happening for us now. I keep having to go out and take care of things and it's getting harder and harder to do it. I get sick to me stomach and find myself wondering why he doesn't answer the phone when I call or if he's alright. The truth really does hurt. I try to get him to visit my dreams, but if he does I don't remember. I don't hink I dream anymore. I know my life dreams are crushed and gone, but I really don't want to give up. I just can't seem to go on. The what if's are driving me crazy. I'm trying to remember what my brother told me about the What If's when I first talked to him after all this happened. I only found my dad 9 years ago, so haven't gotten to know me brothers and sisters since they're far away and always busy. Marlin seems to be the one I've gotten closest too. He lost his wife years ago in a car accident. He said not to even use the What If's because they're excuses and excuses are worthless. It helped when he said it and the first day after, but I have too many. Like what if Bill had let me take him to the hospital on the 4th of July and they had caught that he had a heart desease? Would he be here if he was on medication? I think he would. My SIL is on them and he's here and working and helping my daughter take care of their brood, so I know he would have been with me still. I hate that he didn't bother to seek help when he felt sick. He went to nursing school at Penn State for crying out load. He got us taken care of when it was us, but not him and he was the backbone to this outfit. He was too important to not be a part of all this and all of the lives he touched. I feel like he abandoned us sometimes. Maybe we weren't worth fighting for in the end. I just don't know. Actually I do know. Bill hated bein sick. Between the pain in his body he had to deal with the PTSD problems and he was always tired. Maybe if he had found out about the heart problems it would have been to much for him, but then again I don't think so. I thinnk he would have fought to be with me. He said he never felt loved until we met and I always knew how he felt. We were so much alike but so different at the same time. If he was here things would get done. I just can't get it together enough to get things done and it bothers me. Even sitting and thinking about it I know what to do, what needs to be done, and how to do it, but I can't get myself to move. I did work a little on the backyard yesterday. I also went out with one of my daughters and looked at cars. It's 60 bucks to go visit Bill and I want to be able to afford to do it, so looking for something that I can afford to fill a gas tank. Problem is I can't afford anything that's going to do that for me. I did see the car we were going to buy, but will never have that now. Oh well. I'd rather have Bill than that stupid car anyway. I'd rather have him than anything else.

Ok I was only going to write about half of all this, so I'm going to stop. Time to try to get our lives moving and call the school again. I need Dakotah to get some normality going. Just hope they get him in, so he's with people he knows and doesn't have to start over somewhere else right now. He needs to have someone to talk to besides us and he doesn't have contact with his friends away from school, so I need to get him back with them, so he can have a small support team at least.

Thanks for all the support. Love you all.

 

[mmpb1]

Oh my dear,

You must concentrate on your children now. Keep some kind of stable environment for them. Listen to those you trust, breathe and breathe again. I have always been given comfort by my animals, cats and dogs are the best, horses are my soul mates.

Bill loved you with all his being. That must give you comfort. Men don't change lifestyles easily, so you must be one special lady.

Margie

 

[debilorrah]

Kim, i have been sooooo wrapped up in my own cancer drama with my friend that I have neglected to be here. I pray you are doing ok, and the confusion has not been making you want to bang your head into a wall. I want to thank you SOOO MUCH for posting your feelings on my thread about my friend. I appreciate that more than you know, especially going through what you are now.

 

[wolftracks]

Quote:
Hi Deb I don't know what I would have done til now if I didn't have this site.

Since going chicken crazy, most people just think I'm weird. I have no one now to talk chickens too, other than here. I have no one to talk about anything too.

My girls are all working extra hours to make up for the funeral expenses and time they took off from work. Kids are all back in school except for Dakotah and I need to enroll him somewhere, since he didn't get in in the other district. He's so bummed and he's really been moody without Bill around. I know how much I miss him, but Dakotah and Bill were extremely close and he's not handling all of this very well. If Bill's death had been Service Related we could have been reimbursed at least some of the money. They dropped Makayla off the Head Start list because I forgot to call and keep her active. Now I have to start over and every single one of the kids she plays with are in school and she's whiney and bored. I try to do things with her, but she's just not having that.

Social Security (yeah right, more insecurity) is getting me the run around. They know what my problems are and I think they figure I'll give up. I know I can't do that, but I'm affraid I might before too long. No one has time to go there with me, so I end up on the phone and since that's one of my problems, I cry and stutter through the whole thing.

I'm supposed to go in and talk to Derek this month just to tel him know what's going on. He just started going to classes and his appointment schedule is crazy, so he hasn't been able to help as much as he had hoped. I have an appointment at the VA on the 24th. They're supposed to file for me online, but that means that the time that has gone by so far won't count even if they actually do help. I've been on a website for widows (you never think about that ever being a way to discribe yourself and I hate it), and I've read where there are so many women and men, who have waited for years for a discission as to being elegible. Not to promising. I guess there is a certain heart disease that is associated with effects of Agent Orange. If Bill didn't have it, then I get nothing as far as money. I'm still so releaved that the kids have college taken care of. I just hope they go and do well.

I had an argument with 2 people so far over being told I was unmarried. The Hell I am! The words are "till death do you part "not till death when you are no longer married". There was no place for "widow/widower on the forms and I marked married. They were so rude about it I left. I never wanted to get married and if I ever did I was only going to do it once. I am still married. Bill is just not here with me right now.

That's another problem. I want to have dreams of him and I don't. I want to see signs and I don't. He's just gone. I try calling him, but I never get an answer. I have found so many things that I just know he would love to have, but I can't give him anything. We were waiting till this month to go to Vegas for our anniversary, Late, but we were ok with that, but I spent my anniversary instead, hearing Taps and recieved a Flag as my gift.

I haven't cleaned house except dishes (and the sinks are backed up) in 3 weeks. I cooked my second meal since he left, last night. Wasn't the best thing, steak, fries and green beans and garlic bread. It was the most I think any of us have eaten in a month. I did buy fresh stuff though, so since I was going to make Bill a pot roast that day, I'm going to try to make one today. Don't know yet though. Getting later in the day and I haven't done anything, but try to get this laptop to work.

I need to call my daughter and check on my son-in-law. He had surgery this morning. I should have just gone to the hospital with them, but I think they wanted some time alone. He is having more knee work done. He also has a heart condition that they found a few months ago. Luckily it was found so he could use the meds. Bill talked to him about how important they were and he already knew he needed to be good about them. He's a great guy and I'm glad they found eachother. Between them they have 7 children. Most are teens. and the baby turned a year the day after Bill and my anniversary.

I wish Bill had gone to the hospital when I wanted to take him. I just know if he had, we would have been able to control his heart problem with meds and he'd be here right now making me laugh. I miss his dry sense of humor and his funny comments. I wish he was on the porch again telling me that he wasn't going anywhere and meant it. I wish I could stop wishing, but I just can't do it. I'm a mess.

I need to build coops and pens and I can't get the energy to even try. I don't have the supplies and I don't want o give up my birds that he bought for me.

I want to live until I die and I just can't seem to do it. I hate people like me. Needy and worthless. I can't stand myself right now. The better half really is gone.

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

I want to live until I die and I just can't seem to do it. I hate people like me. Needy and worthless. I can't stand myself right now. The better half really is gone.

Wolftracks not one word of this is accurate. Honey not one of us breathing has not been needy and felt worthless at one point or another. We are born needy and we die needy. In between we are all here to help each other out. This is your time to need and to be given......

It is not worthless to be grieving! It is necessary and due Bill as his honor and it is your right to grieve. You have told me/us what a wonderful guy Bill was and I believe you. Why would such a wonderful man truly love a needy worthless person?? He wouldn't!

Would you talk t any of us like you are talking to yourself right now?? If you heard anyone bullying your child like you are bullying yourself, you'd be furious. So stop it. Be kind and gentle to you, you deserve it.

We're here. Take a deep breath, make yourself a cuppa and cry. Then dry your eyes, remind yourself that your heart while broken still beats and go on.

You only have to do it for one day. Just one day!​

 

[Boyd]

I've been reading this for a while and not posting.. In 1999 I lost a daughter at birth. In 2004-5 my son was diagnosed with stage IV non-hodgkins. He survived and has been in remission. In 2008 my foster daughter was diagnosed with Hodgkins... I'd like to tell you in my case I bounced right back, but in truth it hurts. It still hurts. It has become a part of me, shapes who I am. For years I avoided folks who weren't close to me because I was afraid of what they'd say or what I'd do. I almost did a year in jail because some older drunk guy made fun of my son for loosing all his hair. 2 punches and 30k in hospital bills later I was able to finally put him behind me.

The whole point of me sharing and venting my spleen is thus; Don't push away folks, even the friends that think you stole their time away from them. All guys are like that. My buddy William accused me of that till cupid shot him in the butt. He understands 10 years later but still...

This is the hardest thing you probably will encounter. Do what you can, how you can. Don't be afraid to talk, ask for help, or call around and see what resources are available. This is a HUGE shock. This isn't the adventure you were looking forward to, but the trail has been laid.

Also, I don't remember if you managed to mention any religious beliefs (lord knows I've flip flopped all over) but there is a book I'd like to recommend. A fellow BYC'er recommended it to me. It's "god at war" by gregory boyd. Goes into a lot on "why me"? You may not feel like that but it has a lot of good arguments for both the religious and the non denominational folks out there.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like, this is about as personal as I get in public.

 

[shay20]

I just found this thread, and i am truly sorry, my heart goes for you and your family.
Always remeber you have your children that need you to be there, Forget about What Bill told you about you not likeing him if he told you his past, Dont dwell on it now, It seems you had a great life together, Keep that in your heart.

 

[SallyF]

Don't beat yourself up for continuing to grieve. Our society now thinks that crimes are solved in one hour and that nothing lasts very long. I don't want to go on about the grief process, but give yourself the gift of time. As long as you continue to make the effort to survive, and you are from what you say, then you'll be OK. I had a stillborn child at seven months, 37 years ago and lost both parents in the 80s. I still think about them and grieve for their loss, but my life has gone on and it hurts less now than it did then, although I can still shed tears at the thought of any one of them.
Be kind to yourself; Bill would want you to, and you honor him by treating yourself the way he would have.

 

[wolftracks]

I have such a horrible time lately with everything I see or something someone does reminds me of him.

I know he wouldn't want me to be this way, but he was here when I was going through losing my parents recently. He would know I was going to be like this. Geez I loved my parents, but losing Bill has been even harder.

Although I know he wouldn't want me this way I truely think he would have been worse if it had been me. He was having such a hard time with his PTSD and one of his fears was that I wasn't going to be able to deal with him much longer and leave. I did ask him if he wanted me too a couple of months ago because he was in such a horrible mood and stayed in bad for weeks. I was just trying to get him to get up and not be so depressed. At least he knew I had no intention of leaving. That's the thing. We actually talked about things and worked out any problems without a huge fight. I've never been able to do that with anyone and neither had he.

Man I wish his family had known him like we all did. He was such a special person that no one can believe he's gone. He was a gift to all of us, but especially me.

Oh and Boyd.....................I bet that 30k was worth it!

 

[vickibiro]

I think that we are at the point now where all the initial adrenaline has left our bodies. I slept for a couple of days and am trying to take care of my body the best way I can but I still am not back to myself. Point is, you can't expect so much from yourself. Babysteps girl, go easy on yourself and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are the barometer for the house. Your kids are going to feel the way you feel. If you take care of yourself and open yourself up to it, you just might find your kids can make you laugh. My chickens have that effect on me too. I can go out there and talk to them and come back in feeling much better. My kids are funny and sometimes a comedy movie night is what we need, my 12 year old and I recently had a french movie night where we read subtitles and laughed so hard we cried. Enjoy the living. My mother's 70th birthday is today and I am determined to enjoy this day to it's fullest. It won't happen without that determination though. Just set your mind to finding joy in something and you will and meanwhile don't be so hard on yourself.