I need some support, and didn't know where else to go

[miraclz5]

Melissa,
I just read your story for the first time....I have so much that I want to say to you...however I am short on time. I WILL be back later! I don't have great words of wisdom or a quick fix or anything to make the pain go away, I am however someone who has been through a great deal in my life and I KNOW how you are feeling and what you are going through on many levels. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers! Be well and God Bless...till later, Andrea

 

[bossynbella]

Sorry it has been a while since i have posted on here. I was doing well. I took the lawn and garden job and I do love it! Though sometimes the people I work with drive me nuts. I just wish they would care more about their jobs, if they spent even half the energy they use trying to cut corners and get out of doing things then they could have their job done and the place would look awesome. My first week out there was great emotional wise, I don't know if it was just the change in environment or what but I felt happy. Now I'm almost more depressed then I was to begin with, and I really don't know why. I can sleep for 9 hours and still not want to get up. Its like lately I am just plauding through, and I keep thinking, what is the point? What am I going for? Its not that I hate my job I like it, but really what is the point? My dog who we waited three years to breed is finally bred, this should make me happy, estatic even, but its just like, "yeah thats good" my husband bought me four books about breeding and raising a litter of puppies for my birthday (not till may 10th) but he couldn't wait to give them to me. I was so excited, but I skimmed through them and its like eh okay. I will think of something I want to do but then once I am doing it, its not fun, or entertaining. I keep snapping at my husband, who has been a champ lately. I just don't even want to deal with him, he will hug me or touch me and its like, "okay, thanks thats enough, you can stop now" Usually I am a very clingy touchy person who drives him nuts wanting to hold hands or hug all the time. What I don't understand is, if I know this, if I am noticing this, shouldn't it be easy enough to change it? My house is a mess, I just don't want to clean it. There is so much I need to do/should do/ could do and instead I will sit here and stare at the computer and be bored, or I will just walk around outside and be bored.
Oh an my niece (my sisters daughter) is upsetting me. She received a very large amount of money when her mother passed, as well as her and her husband have good jobs, he makes 19 an hour and she makes 12 an hour. (I make 7.65) Yet they tried to borrow 5,000 from my elderly mother who lives on her SS (well they tried to get her to cosign on a loan) she said no, Thank God. So then they asked for 500. She gave them 400 because "they needed to get to Colorado to do Davids (my sisters husband) burial, the vets where paying for it and that was the day they had set up" all I could think was, if you know in advance when you set up the date, make sure you have the money to get the ashes out there! Then they took their F150 instead of their malibu. Why? WHY with gas prices as high as they are would u take a truck when you have a perfectly reliable car to take? WHY! sorry I just needed to rant about that. It just annoys me that they can just blow all their money and then expect us to give them more. I am broke too, but I am not going to be asking anyone for money either!
Well anyway thats my rant for today, thanks for listening I really appreciate it.
Melissa

 

[wegotchickens]

Thanks for the update, I had been wondering how you were doing.

You sound depressed. You know that, right?
Check and see if WalMart has an Employee Assistance Program. If so, then you can get free short-term counseling. The center would get your name but work NEVER would unless you told someone. Its a short-term thing, usually around 6 visits, and meant to help with non-chronic issues affecting your life.
If they decide (or you) that you need something long-term they'd refer you out.
I think this would be perfect for you, if available. You are still grieving and need some help.


Your neice sounds like an idiot and a mooch. And just because they have good jobs doesn't mean they make wise financial decisions. You are smarter to stay on your budget! Even if it feels non-existant

 

[schellie69]

I understand the depression I have chronic depression I don't use drugs for it, I use meditation and other ways. I would try some short term counseling and see if that helps. Also know that this is all part of the grieving process. Keep going and trying take some time to just sit in the sun it helps. Keep talking to God, start a journal talk to him or your sister just write what you would say if they where right there. Good luck.

 

[miraclz5]

Melissa,
Life is full of challenges and gifts....sometimes the challenges can be well beyond overwhelming! Sometimes we need to remind ourselves of the gifts and focus on the positive things in our lives. Having been faced with MANY challenges I can say....it is easier to say than do but just take one step at at time....one day at a time! I am going to share my "story" the in a nut shell version as an example and to show that although it is not easy and the light at the end of your tunnel doesn't seem to be on at the moment....IT IS.....TRUST ME!

In 1988, 9 days before my 17th birthday, I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Disease....I underwent a year of chemotherapy through my senior year in high school. I was declared in remission, graduated, and went off to college....ended up having to take a leave of absence....just needed a break. Transferred to a college closer to home....relapsed in the spring of 1991....5 more months of chemotherapy and then a bone marrow transplant (autologous, used my own bone marrow, so no rejection meds) on 12/24/91. I ended up with adult respiratory failure and in ICU....the drs told my parents that I had 2-5 days and that if I wasn't off life support in 5 days that there really was no hope. 17 days later, I was back on the oncology floor....discharged on 2/11/92! I returned to college in the fall and graduated with my class!

In 1997, while in grad school in SE Ohio, I met my husband....whose birthday is 2/11! I was told prior to my transplant that my chances of having a baby or having a baby without medical intervention was slim to none....and that after my transplant would not be able to have children without help. Well, God is great and I have 4 healthy beautiful children and NO MEDICAL intervention at all. One more irony....we brought our first daughter home from the hospital on 2/11/00!!!!

In 2003, I had a heart attack, the likely result of all the chemo and radiation that I had....almost died, very scary but made it through and then had my 2 boys in 2005 and 2007....Along this journey, in November 2003, my husband totaled his car and admitted to being an alcoholic. Then, like with you.....my world fell apart when in March of 2004, my mother, my rock, my best friend, the reason I lived and made it out of ICU, was diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer and she was given about 18 months to live! I could not understand....how with all our family had been through could this be happening to us??? How could this be happening to my mother who is one of the most amazing giving caring human beings in the world??? My mother FOUGHT so hard and 5 1/2 years later, she lost her battle...my world fell apart??? I always thought there could never being anything to compare to losing my mother...that is until I had to watch my four children lose and grieve the loss of their beloved grandmother!!! It will be 2 years in June that we lost my mommy....and not a day goes by that I do not think of her, miss her and cry....she was not just my mother, she was my best friend. So many people have said "It will get easier with time" This is a crock! It DOES NOT get easier...in some ways, I think it gets harder! What I have learned it that we learn to live with it! I have found that talking to my mommy, talking about her with my kids, journaling "Dear Mommy" and enjoying some of her favorite things, help me and my kids get through every day. My mother loved her horse, who we inherited after she died, she loved gardening, she loved crafts and drawing, she loved the ocean, she loved nature....so we fill our free time....doing all these things whenever possible! It does not change the pain, the hurt, the grief....but it is the ways in which we have learned to live with her loss.

I have had a couple of other major challenges in my life, a near death in 10/2009 another side affect of all my treatment...loss of my grandmother, my mother's mom...and there are times when I have stared at the computer, the wall, sat in my car and cried, wanted to stand on my roof and scream at the top of my lungs...and the hardest thing I do, is say to myself...."What would mommy want me to do?" Or "What would mommy do?" My mommy, like I said was one of the most amazing people in the world.....and she was also one of the most POSITIVE people I know....her mottos included ones like "Where there is a will there is a way" and "It will all work out somehow" She was always right and I truly believe that it will all work out some how!

With all that I have been through in my life....if someone had said to me years ago, positive things will come out of all this negative, I would had said they were crazy! However, with every mountain I have had to climb, with every tear I have cried, I am so blessed with wonderful and amazing gifts....my children, my friends....some of whom I never would have met if it were not for some of my experiences.

I don't know if sharing my story has helped or will help in anyway....but know that you are NOT alone...lean on the ones closest to you...focus on the positive...and hang in there!

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers...Be well and God Bless!!!

 

[bossynbella]

hello everyone,
Well today is another crappy day, seeing the sun would be wonderful, but it is cloudy windy and only 39 degrees here. I would really enjoy my job, and my chores at home a lot more if I wasn't freezing doing them. We have a litter of new baby bunnies but haven't been able to do more then just peek in the box at them because its so cold and windy. Even the dogs are tired of the cold. Yesterday I asked my beagle if she wanted to go for a walk and she went and layed down in her bed, our lab has been hiding in the garage and our chow/shep/etc mutt hasn't left the dog house except to eat and relieve herself. Other then that nothing much is going on here.

miraclz5 your life makes mine seem like a walk in the park. You have just had no luck at all, I hope things get better for you, you deserve some good luck. I know luck really has nothing to do with it, but sometimes it seems like luck doesn't it? Bad luck, when things go bad, good luck on those rare occasions that things happen the way they should.

Hopefully the sun will shine soon, and summer will come, and the wind will stop.

 

[miraclz5]

Hi There,
My life has been challenging and at times, NOT a walk in the park....but my biggest reason for sharing my story with you and anyone else who chooses to read it is that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. For the most part, throughout all the challenges in my life, I have kept a positive attitude and always tried to look at my glass as half full, not half empty. There are times when that has been difficult but with the help of amazing friends and family....I have always gotten through! I have SO many wonderful people in my life and so many blessings....some a direct result of everything I have been through.....I wouldn't change anything! It is not the challenges in our lives that define us,"where there is a will there is a way" and "it will all work out somehow" Words to live by! Hang in there and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers! God Bless and Be Well...Andrea

 

[bossynbella]

Had a bad dream last night, she came back, like she had died, but wasn't dead anymore, but was still dying. So I wanted to spend all this time with her that I didn't do last time, but something kept coming up, she moved closer to me and instead of going to see her I drove an hour to my moms. Then when I did get to see her she said she had finished planting the trees, handed me a laptop and said it was time to die. I screamed "NO PLEASE NO, NO DON"T LEAVE ME, Please Stay just a little longer" but she died again anyway. I woke up crying, so yeah hasn't been a great day today,

Yesterday wasn't great either. I did a lot of crying yesterday was on my way to work and just couldn't stop crying thinking of her, no matter what song was on. I kept yelling at myself " You have to stop crying, you have to go to work!" Finally put the radio on rock108 hard to think of anything when you have blaring music you can't understand playing.

I emailed my other sister today, telling her what I was feeling, it helped a little, she has been having dreams too, says she always knows in the dream that Diania won't be around long. I am giving her this site and the url for this post, I finally realize we need to lean on each other, and hopefully you all can help us both to heal.
Thanks again everyone you are all awesome

 

[sfw2]

Praying that you and your sister can find the strength, together.

and

 

[noodleroo]

I got this in an email this week. It's about the connection to our creation we all have. It makes me feel better and I thought it might help you. You sound so sad; like you are just waiting for the next bad thing to happen to you. Change your attitude to avoid these things. It's up to you and no one else. Here's the message from Eileen Caddy from Findhorn (Scottland):

I AM in every atom. Realise this. I AM in the tiniest grain of sand, in the highest mountain. I AM in the wind and the rain, the flowers, the birds, the bees. I AM in each one of you. Breathe Me in and breathe Me out. I AM all in all. With Me there is no beginning and no end. I AM the same yesterday, today and forever. Ponder on this. Absorb it into your being. Expand your consciousness and take time to realise the wonder of this Truth. Let it become part of you. Never be too busy to take this in. Be very still and feel your whole being expand in the wonder of it. Do not wait until another time when you are less busy and have time to sit down and think about all this. Right here in this ever present moment of time become one with Me in that raised state of consciousness. Never make excuses about yourself and say when things are different you will be different, when conditions change you will change. You do not have to wait for any outer circumstances for that change to take place. All you have to do is to go deep within here and now and in that peace and stillness find Me, love Me and become One with Me.