Melissa,
Life is full of challenges and gifts....sometimes the challenges can be well beyond overwhelming! Sometimes we need to remind ourselves of the gifts and focus on the positive things in our lives. Having been faced with MANY challenges I can say....it is easier to say than do but just take one step at at time....one day at a time! I am going to share my "story" the in a nut shell version as an example and to show that although it is not easy and the light at the end of your tunnel doesn't seem to be on at the moment....IT IS.....TRUST ME!
In 1988, 9 days before my 17th birthday, I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Disease....I underwent a year of chemotherapy through my senior year in high school. I was declared in remission, graduated, and went off to college....ended up having to take a leave of absence....just needed a break. Transferred to a college closer to home....relapsed in the spring of 1991....5 more months of chemotherapy and then a bone marrow transplant (autologous, used my own bone marrow, so no rejection meds) on 12/24/91. I ended up with adult respiratory failure and in ICU....the drs told my parents that I had 2-5 days and that if I wasn't off life support in 5 days that there really was no hope. 17 days later, I was back on the oncology floor....discharged on 2/11/92! I returned to college in the fall and graduated with my class!
In 1997, while in grad school in SE Ohio, I met my husband....whose birthday is 2/11! I was told prior to my transplant that my chances of having a baby or having a baby without medical intervention was slim to none....and that after my transplant would not be able to have children without help. Well, God is great and I have 4 healthy beautiful children and NO MEDICAL intervention at all. One more irony....we brought our first daughter home from the hospital on 2/11/00!!!!
In 2003, I had a heart attack, the likely result of all the chemo and radiation that I had....almost died, very scary but made it through and then had my 2 boys in 2005 and 2007....Along this journey, in November 2003, my husband totaled his car and admitted to being an alcoholic. Then, like with you.....my world fell apart when in March of 2004, my mother, my rock, my best friend, the reason I lived and made it out of ICU, was diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer and she was given about 18 months to live! I could not understand....how with all our family had been through could this be happening to us??? How could this be happening to my mother who is one of the most amazing giving caring human beings in the world??? My mother FOUGHT so hard and 5 1/2 years later, she lost her battle...my world fell apart??? I always thought there could never being anything to compare to losing my mother...that is until I had to watch my four children lose and grieve the loss of their beloved grandmother!!! It will be 2 years in June that we lost my mommy....and not a day goes by that I do not think of her, miss her and cry....she was not just my mother, she was my best friend. So many people have said "It will get easier with time" This is a crock! It DOES NOT get easier...in some ways, I think it gets harder! What I have learned it that we learn to live with it! I have found that talking to my mommy, talking about her with my kids, journaling "Dear Mommy" and enjoying some of her favorite things, help me and my kids get through every day. My mother loved her horse, who we inherited after she died, she loved gardening, she loved crafts and drawing, she loved the ocean, she loved nature....so we fill our free time....doing all these things whenever possible! It does not change the pain, the hurt, the grief....but it is the ways in which we have learned to live with her loss.
I have had a couple of other major challenges in my life, a near death in 10/2009 another side affect of all my treatment...loss of my grandmother, my mother's mom...and there are times when I have stared at the computer, the wall, sat in my car and cried, wanted to stand on my roof and scream at the top of my lungs...and the hardest thing I do, is say to myself...."What would mommy want me to do?" Or "What would mommy do?" My mommy, like I said was one of the most amazing people in the world.....and she was also one of the most POSITIVE people I know....her mottos included ones like "Where there is a will there is a way" and "It will all work out somehow" She was always right and I truly believe that it will all work out some how!
With all that I have been through in my life....if someone had said to me years ago, positive things will come out of all this negative, I would had said they were crazy! However, with every mountain I have had to climb, with every tear I have cried, I am so blessed with wonderful and amazing gifts....my children, my friends....some of whom I never would have met if it were not for some of my experiences.
I don't know if sharing my story has helped or will help in anyway....but know that you are NOT alone...lean on the ones closest to you...focus on the positive...and hang in there!
Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers...Be well and God Bless!!!
