My familyand I are tired. As some of you may know, My great aunt has stage four lung cancer, a spot on her Liver, her brain and her spine. She is in a great deal of pain. All of us are. We have lashed out with words and pushed family away. I have fought with my family harshly. I have been out of school for a great deal of days, trying to heal. But alas we are tired. I am taking my Cousain's place at the angel house (a Large house with hospitial like rooms for family to live with loved ones untill they pass) In whiteville. A good two hours from my house. I will be away for the whole week-end as Lynn needs to rest and seep happyness from her male companion in florida. So, I'll be living there, in a cold room for five days. It's the least I can do. But I've learned through all this, this is my battle. I must fight it alone. My pain is to be bottled untill a decent time. I have to be stronger than I've ever been. Through my abanonment, to my toddler years as a drug addict's daughter. To my young life as the rebel girl who is mentally abused. To my pre-teen years of phyical abuse, to my teen years as the stand in mother, the safe harbor, the one who fights for you. I'll have to be stronger than all that. I have to hold myself untill four, when I can come home from school and release my pain. I'll truly have to grin and bear it. My aunt is tired of fighting, and so am I. But I can't quit. I'll have to be the giver, not the taker, like normal but on a larger scale. After Lilly, My favorite hen had seizures and passed in my arms from a broken neck and a crushed windpipe, passed away, I find myself in a state of shock. With no one to help. I reached out to my old best friend trying to cling to my life raft, as he has always been, but he shut me off. Turned and looked the other way. I could never pile this on Megan, oh poor weak Megan could never bear this pain. So I am left to fight this alone. One girl with a pop-gun aganst an army with tanks. But I must be strong. I must be confident. I must be the thing I never had. I must be the provider of warmth and comfort. Or realease from pain. I must be a fighter. I might come out broken and bloody, crushed and bearly breathing. But I must come through, there are too many people who need me. I must make the sacrifice my mother and father opted out of. I have to hold my brother's and sisters up. I have to be gentle and kind to my animals. I have to be strong for Megan who needs escape and protection from her parents. I have to be open and caring for Jacob, the one who rejects me, but doesn't realise that I am here. I have to pull myself through, for my grandma Mathis. I must be strong for myself.
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