I want to run away from home and I am 43 OMG!

[hennyannie]

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OH DEAR GOD YES!

I strongly agree with others that this is a mistake. Let them eat cereal and sandwiches, and don't make them for them. Then tell them you will make some meal you'd like if they will help, and stick to it; if they abandon you, stop cooking it, put it away and make a sandwich. Choose meat loaf, for example, but don't touch anything, sit down and instruct someone what to do. That's one plan, not necessarily the best, but you get the idea.

Knowing 3 meals a day will be placed in front of them may be the strongest deterrent to their taking some responsibility there is, after a roof and bed.

I agree, I love to cook but I hate prep time and clean up. PUT them to work, anybody can fix a salad, and most can be taught to peel and pare.
Tell'em if they want your good cookin they gotta at least help make it happen. They may wind up enjoyin the cooking class, get their mind off of things.

 

[TinyChickenLady]

I'm not opposed to some hard labor to earn their keep. I live with my parents. I help with dinner, household chores, bills. And I do a majority of the yard work. It won't kill a single person in that house to lift a finger and help out. Buy some supplies, draw out a plan, and have them build you a new coop (or addition to it). Tell them they have to do their own laundry and keep "their rooms" clean. Divide up meal chores for every day. I understand that you can't throw anyone out (but ya can) so I think it's only fair that they earn their keep. I was taught very young that I am a guest in that house and I should treat it with even more respect than I would treat my own home. Or I can find another place to live. There is always another option. It's not always a pleasant or wanted option, but it's still there and they should be reminded of that every chance you get.

 

[kuntrygirl]

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x2

 

[SarahBeth9394]

My mom knocked on my door all bruised up. She asked to stay with us. I told her there were two conditions. I was reporting it and she was to never have contact with him again. We moved all of her stuff into our garage. I caught her on the phone with him about a week later and told her I meant what I said, I had small children and I wasn't going to teach them that this was ok. She went to my sisters. 4 days later she came back and made arraignments to move out of state. Now I did the cooking of dinner but she had to fix anything else she wanted. And helping out was expected. We all did our share. She was an adult, not a 3 year old and I wasn't going to treat her like one either.

 

[citychickx6]

Thank you all for the sound advice.

A small bit of background and what I plan to do.
I myself left an abuser when DD was only 7 days old with the help of a battered womens shelter. I left WITH my broken arm and jaw. I did the counseling and have a good life now. My DH is very much behind me backing me up all the way.
Neither the sis in laws hubby or the DDs BF are here nor are they welcome here.
The plan
Make the expectations clear.
Plan on everyone contributing both in labor and in the bills.
Help them find the counseling they will need.
Encourage self reliance and self esteem.
I think I can do that easily enough.
I thought about this all day and decided it is my home and they are not "guests" if this is where they reside too. No chores no dinner. That includes coming home to a dirty kitchen or being the only one cooking.
I have TONS of great easy recipes and plan to make like it is the first time I am trying it to encourage them to help.

It makes me sick that I have worked so hard to have a mellow household and have this trauma thrust into it. BUT if I do not stand up and help them no one will. There is no extended family for either of them. We are basically it.
OH and to make room for the sis in law I am giving up my office for now.

 

[rancher hicks]

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This is good. I can never understand why people think counseling means your nuts. It does not. On the contrary, it shows wisdom. We all find ourselves in situations that we just don't know how to handle. Counseling can help us figure out how to deal with the situation til it's over. Counseling doesn't always have to be a life long thing but there are times when it can help. FYI, it isn't necessary to tell the world, just say I have a doctors appointment and leave it at that. Some things should be kept private. Even from our immediate family.

I hope more than the OP take this to heart,

Rancher

 

[zzGypsy]

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yes they can.
grilled cheese and tomato soup.
scrambled eggs.
egg salad sandwiches
mac'n'cheese and meatloaf
or they can chop and wash and make a salad while you do the hard stuff.
they can cook. and if they really know nothing, now's a good time to learn some survival cooking. it'll help with their self respect, and that helps with standing up and getting out of abusive relationships.
and they can certainly help clean up after.

It is just hard you know. Can't tell them no cause I know where they would end up. That means we all must sacrifice for the greater good.

yep, it is. but less so if they are pitching in instead of moping and flopping around and expecting you to do everything. you're providing the house, and I'm guessing, much of the income. they can provide *some*thing useful. it's in their best interest as well as yours. part of why people get and stay in abusive relationships is because their self respect is so shattered they don't think they deserve better. being useful is one of many parts to fixing that.

It is like a sick version of space invaders here.

Ha! that's funny! good to see your sense of humor is intact... that'll help.​

 

[zzGypsy]

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you are doing a reasonable thing, but you do need to know that you are not the only one who can help them. they may not have extended family, but remember, someone helped you. the battered women's shelters are there for just this reason.
know that if they will not step up and participate, you can send them to the shelter, where they will get the help they need, if they choose to accept it. you might want to have a list of their phone numbers handy, just in case. you may help them as much or more by driving them to one of the shelters as letting them stay with you... it just depends.
and remember that while you can inspire and coach them, you are not their therapist and they NEED to seek professional help.

 

[wolftracks]

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Ok the age is different (54 here) and the name is different, but this is about the story plus two 5 year olds.

I run with ya!

 

[Gerry2011]

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Absolutely spot on! Couldn't have said it better! You'll be a lot happier if you don't continue to enable the rotten behaviors. Be strong.