I'm just feeling blue...

[Camelot Farms]

Got a letter from my Grandpa today. He is 89 and recently needed to be placed in a Nursing Facility. My letter told me that he hates it there. He says its like jail and even the doors are locked. He says he gets no money and he is a 'ward of the state'. And this means that he will never get the things that he needs medically or otherwise cause they dont spend money on 'wards of the state'. He spent 2 pages telling me a horrible person my grandmother is and if he could afford it, he would divorce her.

And then he told me how for 60 years (married in 1948), he gave her everything she could have wanted and this is how she pays him back.

Pardon me while I get some more tissue...

I know that the majority of what he is saying isnt really true, its just his perception. But, his perception is his reality. So, this is how he spending his last years. 'locked up, broke and unwanted'

Now I need a drink...making it a double

I cant change his perception. His senile dementia keeps him in the place that his mind has created. I could call him and talk til I am blue in the face and all he is going to do is beg me to get him out of there. Which of course, is not an option. He NEEDS to be there for his safety and that of others. And if I call him and we have this conversation, my heart will break and I will be a wreck.

So, first I am having a pity party for him because he is so miserable and this is how it will end...with him thinking all of these awful things
My 2nd pity party is for me. Cause I am a wreck. Mostly because of the way that he feels and how this is all playing out. But a small selfish part of me would like to stay in my little bubble where I have Grandparents who have been married for 60 years and still going strong...and love eachother, if not like eachother. I like being the offspring of the 'perfect' family. Picture Ward and June with a few more kids and living on a farm. This is what I want to remember. I didnt need to know the dirt on their 60 years of marriage. I know that is sooooo shallow but I am worn out and tired and wanting things to be the way I want them to be.

So here I sit crying for him and for me and feeling like a schmuck. I am almost out of tissue and my eyes will be too swollen to be a worth a darn in the morning.
And I just needed a shoulder to cry on and no one else is home.
I think I will take a Tylenol and hope for sleep...dreamless sleep....

 

[shelleyb1969]

You poor dear...I'm so sorry.

 

[Cindiloohoo]

Reality is horrible sometimes. I hope if I get put in a home when I am old that I am at least too senile to know the difference. Sorry you are in this position.

 

[HorseFeatherz NV]

 

[geebs]

This lifetime is temporary... But a drop in the bucket.. Do what you can...pray for him and for peace in his heart and for yourself....It is not selfish. It is stepping outside the little box and peeking behind the curtain.. Life is but one time through... He will learn to deal with his perdicament and gain solice in it...I am sure he is the unhappiest due to the change that he had no control over. This will lessen with time... Have your double and a good cry and remember who is really in charge... I am sending you good kudos... and i will have a drink on your behalf tonight... and for your gramps...

 

[Hillbilly Hen]

 

[gritsar]

 

[HenPen]

 

[darkstarr nite]

life can be so rough ... I am truly sorry ... I would love to say it will be all better in the morning ... as some things we can not change tho ... all I have to offer is this ...

 

[HennyJenny]

I personally don't thing there is anything wrong with a good pity cry! You are in a horrible position and one of the things I've found while parenting my and my husbands parents is that you just find out a lot of crap that you shouldn't have to know about people you love. You deserve a good pity cry and an adult beverage. And if you have a pain pill - that won't kill you either. It's okay to be angry and sad and all of the feelings. It really is. Then you are going to wake up in the morning and pull your swollen eyed self out of bed - swear to God you'll never do this to your kids and grandkids (even though most of us have no control over it) and do all the things you are supposed to get done in a day. You can do this! It's hard but you can deal - and you'll know that even strangers are here feeling empathy for your situation - the next time you want to have a good pity cry - you need to gather your hankies and your beverage (or some ice cream or some chocolate) first - fill up a hot bath and just cry it out! Good thoughts are being sent your way!!