Dear HalfMoonRanch:
We are all glad to hear that you are working through your grief. Having done it before on different levels does indeed prepare one for doing it again, or at least it lays down a foundation of coping skills. It's absolutely impossible to prepare any better for what you're experiencing now. And it's mourning everything, the beauty of a past fully lived yet all too short and the sadness of future plans that you'll just have to do on your own...physically at least.
I'm glad that you still talk to Susie. I believe that she does hear you. When you get those little "feelings", "inklings", "strangest sensations" or "impressions" that she's with you, I believe that she is & she's letting you know. The eyes can't always see what the spirit knows.
It goes without saying that she wouldn't want you to grieve and be sad, just like it goes without saying that doing so is inextricably woven into the very act of your drawing breath. I salute you for recognizing what you're going through, trying to cope and for reaching out to get help. It's a different & difficult road you travel but you'll make it to your destination. I have a very strong suspicion that your escort will be a lovely lady with that long brown hair in the beautiful blue dress.
I always recommend that people reach out for help, as it is generally beneficial. I am not a therapist, but oh yes, I have some experience in this area. While you had a wonderful therapist all of those years ago, I had the opposite.
After reading what she thought about me, what I was going thru and our one (& only one session, after that) I opted never to return. All of these years later and I would still be happy to explain her lack of understanding with a punch to the face, a bucket of water to revive her and a most pointed diatribe. (Ok, well maybe another pop.)
Given her lack of cognizance then, I have little expectation that she's spiritually progressed much up to now. Everyone walks their own path and some people don't understand that by helping others they help themselves. Instead, there are a lot of superior sounding & acting people who operate & masquerade under the pretense of helping others and think the exact opposite.
In not going back, I decided to navigate grief and healing alone. It took me many, many years & the road was most definitely longer, but I did it. In so doing, the victory is shared with the only One who helped me, the Creator Himself. HalleluYAH. I thank Him for the experience and for all of the help along the way. I most certainly wouldn't be where I am today otherwise.
And before anyone reading jumps to the "oh, no, you'd resort to physical violence?" let me tell you that there's a 50% chance that her life has followed the spectacularly downward trajectory that she started. Crossing paths with me now would only help her & I have to say, she had her chance. So it's likely that I wouldn't actually punch her in the face. And the younger me decided not to keep track of her name so that the 50% of me that WOULD DEFINITELY crack her into the next decade can't find her. So she's got that going for her.
Given my experience with her, that's better than she deserves & MUCH more than I should give her.
You have a wonderful way of expressing the situation both physically and spiritually.
I have gotten the feeling that Susie watches over me and hears what I am saying.
I have her pretty suede cowboy hat sitting in a rocking chair just feet away, next to her pictures and I get a strong sense of her presence when I'm at home.
I have been praying and I also get a strong feeling of presence of the Lord.
Yesterday the Bible app on my phone sent me the verse of the day and low and behold it was: "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted." - Matthew 5:4
That's not the first one that fit the situation either.
It's funny you mention bad therapists because prior to Mary, the excellent one, I had one visit with such a quack.
Within a couple minutes of the first visit, I started feeling as though I was being questioned as though I was a criminal. She asked me if I was thinking about harming anyone and did I have any guns? This caught me by surprise and of course, being no business of her's I said no to both.
I understand that they might want to ascertain whether or not a person might have a tendency to harm themselves or others, but to come at me right out of the box with that, sort of sent up a red flag.
The second part of the question was none of her business period.
About 10 minutes in, she got a phone call and excused herself to another room for a few minutes. During that time I started scanning her walls, looking at her accolades and quickly realized that this lady worked with the county, interviewing criminal suspects to figure out how criminally insane they actually were. At that point it all came into focus.
That was the last time I went to her and thank God the next therapist I met was Mary.
I understand how you could be so outraged at someone handling you that way.
You are right though, I guarantee she is likely in a sad state today and her own worst enemy. Some people look for the good in others and some for the bad.
I feel for the latter because constantly searching for the negative is an abysmal pastime that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I would rather look for the good and if I find only bad, then I move on.
I'm glad God helped you through your search for recovery and that you didn't have to rely on someone so inept.
It sounds like you were blessed with a good share of common sense and intuition which I suspect helped immensely.
