In Desperate Need of Advice

[Half Moon Ranch]

Oh, this breaks my heart. I've nothing to offer right now, unfortunately, particularly after the two previous loving and eloquent responses. I will pray for you. Remember always our Rock of Ages, God in Heaven who holds us in steadfast, abounding love—the God of All Comfort. Jesus is called the "Man of many sorrows"—He is God come to earth as a human being, just like us, and He certainly lost loved ones during His life on this earth. Isaiah tells us He is not just Mighty God, but our Wonderful Counselor and Prince of Peace.

So often the gospel of Mark tells us that Jesus is moved with pity or compassion for those who are ill or hungry or weary. Imagine how much more He is looking on you with love right now, knowing you have lost your beautiful and beloved wife!

You probably remember Jesus telling us we'd have troubles in this life. But He also told us He would be with us always, "even to the end of the age". He is trustworthy; He understands; He cares. If He can and does forgive us for our trespasses against His perfection (a forgiveness purchased with His own life!), He can and will walk through the valleys with us, 'til He calls us home.

Please do not lose hope. In all things look to Christ, rely on Him. Even in the deepest darkness, He is there!

I don't mind replying to the comments, it seems to help express what otherwise would be pent up emotion and there's plenty to go around.

Besides Susie now being with the Lord and it ending her suffering, the other blessing has been that it has brought me closer to God.
I plan to make good on my promise to meet her again in Heaven and I will stop at nothing to prepare my soul for that eventuality.
As with everyone, I am a work in progress, so I pray for his guidance to show me the way.

For now I have not lost hope, but I have lost purpose with my need for caregiving having ended. I'm working on replacing that with something constructive, but it will take time.
I'm trying to take care of myself, but I have to be honest, it's not been easy.
I lost 10 lbs in the 2 month ordeal leading up to her passing and that event didn't do anything for my appetite. I think I went about 3 days without eating anything, but I've been working on making sure I eat even if I don't feel like it.
I felt and looked like a homeless person, complete with overgrown hair, scruffy beard and disheveled clothes, but I've rectified that as well. I was so immersed in taking care of Susie that everything else went out the window.
Anyway, it's time to pick up the pieces of my life and reinvent myself.

 

[Half Moon Ranch]

Sorry for your loss. You have gone through a lot and the loss of someone so close takes time to work through. I am glad to read that you understand that you now need to take of yourself, too.



Already mentioned is posting something at your feed store(s). Older chickens have no value where I live, but you might offer them as pets. Lots of people around here would love to have a chicken coop like yours for a fair price. Sell the coop with the chickens for free. Where I live, you would probably have a better chance selling your coop than giving it away for free. "Free" where I live is code for junk I don't want to bother to dispose of myself. You have a nice coop there and I think someone would be glad to pay for it.

I know some people around here "retire" their older chickens by just letting them free range and more or less fend for themselves on the farm. If you find you can't rehome your flock, then maybe that's an option to consider as it would relieve yourself of the burden of caring for them everyday. Our great grandparents just let their chickens run around the farm. You probably don't care much for gathering eggs anyway if the chickens are past production. I understand that might not be an option if you live in town.

Again, sorry for your loss.

I didn't expect to get anything for the flock. I had thought perhaps someone might add them in with their larger flock. The more I think about it, my odds of re-homing them aren't good.
I had thought about letting them free range. I have a tall fence and I could clip the buff's wings, but there are a lot of hawks in the area and having lost one a few years ago, I didn't have the heart to do it.
Maybe someone would take them on with a deal on the coop.
Had I known what lie in store for Susie, I would have never taken this task on, but since I did, if I have to, I will carry it al the way through.

 

[Half Moon Ranch]

Thank's for sharing your story with us! I'm sorry for your loss. Thing's may be tough at first as you try to get thing's straightened out in your life. It take's time to adjust, and you can do this. Think about the plan's that you and Susie made together, and then try to fulfill what was still left undone. She's still watching you from the other side. Make her proud!

Thank you, one thing I do intend to do is make Susie proud. In her honor I must do the best with what I have left and prepare myself for the day when I will see her again.

 

[BarredRockMom]

Dear HalfMoonRanch:

We are all glad to hear that you are working through your grief. Having done it before on different levels does indeed prepare one for doing it again, or at least it lays down a foundation of coping skills. It's absolutely impossible to prepare any better for what you're experiencing now. And it's mourning everything, the beauty of a past fully lived yet all too short and the sadness of future plans that you'll just have to do on your own...physically at least.

I'm glad that you still talk to Susie. I believe that she does hear you. When you get those little "feelings", "inklings", "strangest sensations" or "impressions" that she's with you, I believe that she is & she's letting you know. The eyes can't always see what the spirit knows.

It goes without saying that she wouldn't want you to grieve and be sad, just like it goes without saying that doing so is inextricably woven into the very act of your drawing breath. I salute you for recognizing what you're going through, trying to cope and for reaching out to get help. It's a different & difficult road you travel but you'll make it to your destination. I have a very strong suspicion that your escort will be a lovely lady with that long brown hair in the beautiful blue dress.

I always recommend that people reach out for help, as it is generally beneficial. I am not a therapist, but oh yes, I have some experience in this area. While you had a wonderful therapist all of those years ago, I had the opposite.

After reading what she thought about me, what I was going thru and our one (& only one session, after that) I opted never to return. All of these years later and I would still be happy to explain her lack of understanding with a punch to the face, a bucket of water to revive her and a most pointed diatribe. (Ok, well maybe another pop.)

Given her lack of cognizance then, I have little expectation that she's spiritually progressed much up to now. Everyone walks their own path and some people don't understand that by helping others they help themselves. Instead, there are a lot of superior sounding & acting people who operate & masquerade under the pretense of helping others and think the exact opposite.

In not going back, I decided to navigate grief and healing alone. It took me many, many years & the road was most definitely longer, but I did it. In so doing, the victory is shared with the only One who helped me, the Creator Himself. HalleluYAH. I thank Him for the experience and for all of the help along the way. I most certainly wouldn't be where I am today otherwise.

And before anyone reading jumps to the "oh, no, you'd resort to physical violence?" let me tell you that there's a 50% chance that her life has followed the spectacularly downward trajectory that she started. Crossing paths with me now would only help her & I have to say, she had her chance. So it's likely that I wouldn't actually punch her in the face. And the younger me decided not to keep track of her name so that the 50% of me that WOULD DEFINITELY crack her into the next decade can't find her. So she's got that going for her.

Given my experience with her, that's better than she deserves & MUCH more than I should give her.

 

[Half Moon Ranch]

Dear HalfMoonRanch:

We are all glad to hear that you are working through your grief. Having done it before on different levels does indeed prepare one for doing it again, or at least it lays down a foundation of coping skills. It's absolutely impossible to prepare any better for what you're experiencing now. And it's mourning everything, the beauty of a past fully lived yet all too short and the sadness of future plans that you'll just have to do on your own...physically at least.

I'm glad that you still talk to Susie. I believe that she does hear you. When you get those little "feelings", "inklings", "strangest sensations" or "impressions" that she's with you, I believe that she is & she's letting you know. The eyes can't always see what the spirit knows.

It goes without saying that she wouldn't want you to grieve and be sad, just like it goes without saying that doing so is inextricably woven into the very act of your drawing breath. I salute you for recognizing what you're going through, trying to cope and for reaching out to get help. It's a different & difficult road you travel but you'll make it to your destination. I have a very strong suspicion that your escort will be a lovely lady with that long brown hair in the beautiful blue dress.

I always recommend that people reach out for help, as it is generally beneficial. I am not a therapist, but oh yes, I have some experience in this area. While you had a wonderful therapist all of those years ago, I had the opposite.

After reading what she thought about me, what I was going thru and our one (& only one session, after that) I opted never to return. All of these years later and I would still be happy to explain her lack of understanding with a punch to the face, a bucket of water to revive her and a most pointed diatribe. (Ok, well maybe another pop.)

Given her lack of cognizance then, I have little expectation that she's spiritually progressed much up to now. Everyone walks their own path and some people don't understand that by helping others they help themselves. Instead, there are a lot of superior sounding & acting people who operate & masquerade under the pretense of helping others and think the exact opposite.

In not going back, I decided to navigate grief and healing alone. It took me many, many years & the road was most definitely longer, but I did it. In so doing, the victory is shared with the only One who helped me, the Creator Himself. HalleluYAH. I thank Him for the experience and for all of the help along the way. I most certainly wouldn't be where I am today otherwise.

And before anyone reading jumps to the "oh, no, you'd resort to physical violence?" let me tell you that there's a 50% chance that her life has followed the spectacularly downward trajectory that she started. Crossing paths with me now would only help her & I have to say, she had her chance. So it's likely that I wouldn't actually punch her in the face. And the younger me decided not to keep track of her name so that the 50% of me that WOULD DEFINITELY crack her into the next decade can't find her. So she's got that going for her.

Given my experience with her, that's better than she deserves & MUCH more than I should give her.

You have a wonderful way of expressing the situation both physically and spiritually.
I have gotten the feeling that Susie watches over me and hears what I am saying.
I have her pretty suede cowboy hat sitting in a rocking chair just feet away, next to her pictures and I get a strong sense of her presence when I'm at home.

I have been praying and I also get a strong feeling of presence of the Lord.
Yesterday the Bible app on my phone sent me the verse of the day and low and behold it was: "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted." - Matthew 5:4
That's not the first one that fit the situation either.

It's funny you mention bad therapists because prior to Mary, the excellent one, I had one visit with such a quack.
Within a couple minutes of the first visit, I started feeling as though I was being questioned as though I was a criminal. She asked me if I was thinking about harming anyone and did I have any guns? This caught me by surprise and of course, being no business of her's I said no to both.
I understand that they might want to ascertain whether or not a person might have a tendency to harm themselves or others, but to come at me right out of the box with that, sort of sent up a red flag.
The second part of the question was none of her business period.

About 10 minutes in, she got a phone call and excused herself to another room for a few minutes. During that time I started scanning her walls, looking at her accolades and quickly realized that this lady worked with the county, interviewing criminal suspects to figure out how criminally insane they actually were. At that point it all came into focus.
That was the last time I went to her and thank God the next therapist I met was Mary.

I understand how you could be so outraged at someone handling you that way.
You are right though, I guarantee she is likely in a sad state today and her own worst enemy. Some people look for the good in others and some for the bad.
I feel for the latter because constantly searching for the negative is an abysmal pastime that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I would rather look for the good and if I find only bad, then I move on.

I'm glad God helped you through your search for recovery and that you didn't have to rely on someone so inept.
It sounds like you were blessed with a good share of common sense and intuition which I suspect helped immensely.

 

[BarredRockMom]

You have a wonderful way of expressing the situation both physically and spiritually.
I have gotten the feeling that Susie watches over me and hears what I am saying.
I have her pretty suede cowboy hat sitting in a rocking chair just feet away, next to her pictures and I get a strong sense of her presence when I'm at home.

I have been praying and I also get a strong feeling of presence of the Lord.
Yesterday the Bible app on my phone sent me the verse of the day and low and behold it was: "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted." - Matthew 5:4
That's not the first one that fit the situation either.

It's funny you mention bad therapists because prior to Mary, the excellent one, I had one visit with such a quack.
Within a couple minutes of the first visit, I started feeling as though I was being questioned as though I was a criminal. She asked me if I was thinking about harming anyone and did I have any guns? This caught me by surprise and of course, being no business of her's I said no to both.
I understand that they might want to ascertain whether or not a person might have a tendency to harm themselves or others, but to come at me right out of the box with that, sort of sent up a red flag.
The second part of the question was none of her business period.

About 10 minutes in, she got a phone call and excused herself to another room for a few minutes. During that time I started scanning her walls, looking at her accolades and quickly realized that this lady worked with the county, interviewing criminal suspects to figure out how criminally insane they actually were. At that point it all came into focus.
That was the last time I went to her and thank God the next therapist I met was Mary.

I understand how you could be so outraged at someone handling you that way.
You are right though, I guarantee she is likely in a sad state today and her own worst enemy. Some people look for the good in others and some for the bad.
I feel for the latter because constantly searching for the negative is an abysmal pastime that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I would rather look for the good and if I find only bad, then I move on.

I'm glad God helped you through your search for recovery and that you didn't have to rely on someone so inept.
It sounds like you were blessed with a good share of common sense and intuition which I suspect helped immensely.

Gotta love when they zero in on the worst case scenario, eh? Just goes to show what (my family's always said, anyway: What do you call the person who graduated last in their class from medical school? Doctor.

As with anything, those who don't interview their providers are left "hoping" that such folks know or can help them as patients. I will take zero bedside manner + skill/knowledge/research/ intuition over the opposite ANY day!

I'm so glad that you have something special of Susie's out and close to you. It's a wonderful feeling to have that strong sense of her being with you, especially at home. I believe that she is very interested in seeing you (even if you can't see her with your eyes) & in making sure you know that she is not in pain, not suffering and indeed is back to her most beautiful & vibrant self. When you sense this, I know that both of your souls are nourished. Such is the power of love, my friend.

And to be able to pray & have a sense of peace, to know that it's going to be alright & get a little better (in so far as the grief is there but the sharp edge dulls), those things are gifts from the Creator Yahweh Himself. HalleluYAH*.

Perhaps at some point you will find or search out a grief support group. That could help with reinvention. And getting back to a regular sleep cycle. Though that last bit, that takes a lot of practice to achieve.

(* I am a Yahwist & call The Creator by His ancient, Aramaic Name, Yahweh, pronounced "Yah-Way". It's from the ancient Tetragrammaon YHWH. While I do believe that He is the Creator of heaven, earth & everything else in between & besides, many of my beliefs take a different path from what organized 'popular' religions teach. There is much melding of different groups' mythologies woven into religion, especially christianity (thank you Constantine & the Council of Nicea. I believe that God, Lord, etc are just titles, not His Proper Name. Everyone is free to call Him what they wish & there is no judgement from me, just an explanation of what I call Him & why.)

 

[NightingaleJen]

Just wanted to let you know I am still thinking of and praying for you!