Yesterday was a horrible horrible day.
I messaged DH on his way home to help me find Joan, she and I had gotten into an argument the day before about her aggression and I held her while she screamed at me and Kronus came to defend (until he saw me). I was worried she had somehow managed to get out.
When DH got home he helped me look in all their normal hiding spaces and then looked behind the "shed" we have in there will supplies. Low and behold, there was Joan and she was picking on Ana. My sweet sweet Ana and they had managed to get themselves stuck. I thought I had put the shed close enough to the garage that they couldn't get behind it, but I guess I put it in just the right spot that they could get in, but not out. This has since been fixed. DH pulled them out to find Ana bloody and barely able to walk. I got a plastic bag and a knife to cull them both pending how bad Ana was.
Well, we caught Joan and put her separate. I set Ana down for two seconds and both Kronus and Blue started attacking her. Ana is Kronus' favorite lay, he appeared to mount her, but Blue was attacking. Poor Ana couldn't defend herself.
Joan's been aggressive at the flock for about a week, having stand offs with Kronus for the past few days, and not laying. I didn't find mites or worms, but she hasn't been healthy looking so we elected that she needed to go. I don't have time for aggressive birds.
I got Joan hung up like I've done a million times with my grandma, but I couldn't pull the knife. I couldn't take her little life. I never have been able to, grandma always cut their heads off and I always plucked and gutted. I called my grandma crying and looking for reassurance all while Ana is just sitting by a bowl of water trying to hobble around and drinking. It was the most awful thing. So much for duck processing next year.
On to my sweet Ana. DH picked her up and was examining her legs, and they were fine. Her chest was solid and her wings weren't broken. Minus the blood on the neck and wing she seemed otherwise healthy from the front. I did notice her backside seemed to be dirty so I had DH turn her around to check her vent. As he leaned her forward all the water she had been drinking came out of her mouth and her vent appeared to be prolapsed and infected, it stunk sooooooooooooo bad. I don't know how she got so sick so fast, she was out jumping at our hands for treats just the day before.
I won't go in to how we ended up letting them go, but it was humane and they're passed now. I swear if any of my neighbors had heard us out there talking about killing them, cops would have been called.
This is the stuff that I wasn't prepared for when I got chickens. I can process a chicken just fine. Scalding, plucking, cleaning, no problemo. Taking the life of such a defenseless little being is not easy, even to put them out of misery. Looks like I'm going to need to do research on culling so this goes better when we're processing.

It's very, very hard to kill an animal - especially when they cross the line into the pet territory. My DH can't deal with blood. Like you I can process a chicken, but not yet do the kill part. I have a handyman whom I call for help. He grew up on a farm, hunts, and can process just about anything. Last year I helped him process 2 of my chickens that needed to go. (DH wanted to learn, but turned green and had to leave.) This year, I'm able to do more of it myself but never alone. I hope to be able to work myself up to a chicken, but it's hard enough for me to make the decision. However, I did do a quail from start to finish..... with my handyman/friend next to me in case I needed help. I used a good pair of scissors. It was a mixed feeling of sadness & pride. My kids don't help by making me feel guilty, but I know and tell them that any birds processed here had a much better life & death than commercial poultry.
My advice is to find a friend / mentor to help you through it. It's hard emotionally, so I must pick the date & make the arrangements ahead of time. Just having someone to talk to while working makes it bearable.
*There are also live poultry /butcher shops where you can drop off your chickens & return to pick up packaged meat.