Is it cruel to ask your parents to move out???

[SAM1646]

I helped my parents financially since I have been married which is 14 years. My father is a very bright and intelligent man but now is retired and my mother was disabled with ms which is now in remission. I have 3 kids and after helping them so much I finally bought a bigger house and sold theres which was under water and moved them in with me my husband and three kids. Grant you they have been a big help raising my kids but it was supposed to be a short time situation and now its going on 6 years.

They were suppoed to be able to recover financial living here after my fathers job loss, but in the mean time my youngest brother had financial trouble and they help him so now it leaves them in the same spot as where they started 6 years ago.

My life is not my own and i dont know what to do. I cant just put them on the street and and my brothers are no help. They just financially cant.

My husband and I would really like to raise out children on our own and the imput from them on a contanace basis is driving me insane and I just dont know how to even approach them.

They had to declare bankruptcy since due to my brother so they have no credit. I bought them a car in my name they do pay for that, but other than that i pay for everthing else.

They had 17,000 from the sale of the house but over time that has depleated , so only income is social security.

Does anyone have any thoughts since am I looking at this the wrong way. They have told me that give them the 17,000 back and they would find a place, but really do I owe them that since some of that money was to finish the basement so they would have a mini apartment to live.

Grant you I will be coming into money in the future from my husbands side and they feel that they should be paid for helping rasie the kids since I did not have to pay for so much daycare while I worked.

Oh my God this never ends..

Any Advice???? From outside people. I love my parents but enough is enough!!!

 

[Elite Silkies]

My mother and I have lived together since I was born. We have a great relationship and so does my husband and my mother. But, my mother knows her place when it comes to my kids and their raising. She helps me out alot with the kids, and keeps me from paying daycare also. I have a college class from 4-5, so I take them to her work. But, she still doesn't think I owe her for daycare.

I find that it is much easier to get along with or live with parents as long as everyone knows their place. I kicked my dad out, because he over stepped the boundaries. I had no remorse either. But, when you emotionally damage my kids, then I'm not too symapethic with your living arrangements. Besides, he made my mother miserable since she divorced him, and really had no intentions of ever having to live with again

It was their choice to spend the money to make the basement a mini apartment, when they knew at the time it was only temporary. Unless, they had decided at that time they really were not ever going to move out. But, they didn't have to spend the money. Nor is it your responsibility to pay them back. They should not have spent all of their money getting someone else out of debt. Maybe, your brother needs to give them their money back, but not you.

You pay for everything right? Well, in my opinion............. the babysitting pays for their water, electric, groceries and anything else that they use that you have to pay for. Or, you can start charging them rent and make them buy and fix their own meals, then you can send the kids to daycare.

They would have to pay rent and utilities if they were living elsewhere. So, why not at your home. That way they couldn't throw daycare up in your face.

Sometimes, it's really hard when it comes to parents.

 

[xyresicchick]

I know you said you used their money to finish the basement. However when and if you resell the house, you WILL make more money off of the house because of that finished basement. that is just how real estate works. So yes i think it is fair for them to ask for that money back, especially if you are asking them to leave. It would not be right to do that and you get to keep having the finished basement and they have nothing to show for it. However, If they were to find an apartment to live in with 500$ a month rent, 17,000$ would not even last 3 years. Would they be able to afford their own home is the question and also how old are they is another question if they are really old i would say to either put up with it and let your kids enjoy them being around while they are or you could find a close by inexpensive apartments for them. If they are younger, and i mean 60s when i say younger you might want to think of how many people that age are coming back from retirement... And for specifically that reason. If you do ask them to leave i certainly hope you pay them back. It would be very wrong of you not to.

 

[Tuffoldhen]

Quote:
Very good advice!

 

[joebryant]

You're stuck; face it, and live with it.
Have a martini; gin's the only answer.

 

[Sebrightmom]

I have never had a parent live with me, but my grandmother did live with my mother and us for several years. She also helped fix up my mother's house because she need a ramp and other things done to the house to make it better for her. After 6 or so years living there, she decided she wanted to live on her own again. She didn't ask for her money back. She felt that those changes were made for her and that if she didn't live there the changes wouldn't have been done. Now with this said, if you finished the basement to benefit your parents I feel that they shouldn't be repaid. You have repaid them for the last 14 years. You have helped them save way more than they spent on your house. Yes, they do watch your children, but if they don't work and don't help paid for anything that is the least they can do.

 

[HHandbasket]

You are certainly in a tough situation, and I feel for you. It is hard to be grown and never have your own life with your own family. You also should not have to pay the price for them helping out your brother, and it is unreasonable for them to expect you to continue to support/take care of them financially while they're dishing their money out to somebody else.

Have they contributed financially in any way to your household since they've been there, other than the cost of the finished basement? If not, you could figure out rent divided by the number of months they've been there (72 months in 6 years, that's a lotta cheese!) and subtract that from the $17K they gave you from the basement. If it adds up to $17K, then you owe them nothing. If it is more than $17K, they owe you.

Still, family is family, and love does not equal dollar signs (can't tell anyone in my family that, though LOL).

It sounds like you have a loving relationship with your parents, which can be to everyone's benefit in your situation. Sit down with them and discuss it. I think so many family problems ensue from people making assumptions that things will be better or worse than they are so they don't bother to discuss and hear everybody's side. Perhaps in talking with your parents, you can brainstorm together and find a viable solution that will work for you and your husband/kids and for your mom & dad, as well. Perhaps present it to them in the form of "Let's do a project together!" and make the "project" be weighing the pros and cons of helping Mom & Dad get back on their feet and out on their own and present it in such a way that it would benefit THEM to move, give them their own life and their own privacy in their golden years! There may come a time soon enough when you HAVE to take care of them, and while they are still self-sufficient, perhaps present to them what a great idea it would be for them to have their independence again! Sit down WITH them and your husband (and perhaps any other siblings that could participate) and work out a solution for their own happiness and for yours, as well. Find out what their goals and ideas are and help them work toward getting there.

Create a plan. Ya know, my gramma always said that failing to plan is the same thing as planning to fail.

 

[Elite Silkies]

Quote:
Very good advice!

Put up with it? Really............... Why? Her parent's need to know their boundaries. She wants to raise her kids the way she wants to, they should accept that. I don't interfere in the way my kids raise their kids, it's not my right. I might not like everything they do, but it's their kids.

She has supported them for 6 years now, but she owes them? Maybe, I'm missing something.

 

[Mattemma]

In families it is give and take. We should not say," I did this for you so you owe me." I would just say the slate is clean on both sides.Neither owes the other. BUT it is time for your parents to move out.Give them 3-6 months to move. How and where is not your issue. It was their choice to help their son when they KNEW they had to help prepare themselves to be financially stable.

It is so rare to see this sort of thing.Always reading of parents putting their feet down with the grown kids.You did a wonderful thing for them,and in turn they helped care for your kids.It is shameful they would even say you owe them money for childcare.Yes,childcare is expensive,but caring for 2 extra adults isn't cheap either.

Sit them down and say,"It is time you focus on saving to move out.You have x amount of time to move."Lets hope they actually do move out,because getting someone out of your home(when they won't leave) is impossible. I might be inclined to pay the deposit/first month rent on a place just to make sure they DO leave.

Would you have done the basement if they were not moving in? Why didn't they just get their own place? If you want you can give them money from the sale of your home when the time comes,or from the money you are expecting to get. I would not give the total 17k.

Are they refusing to move out unless you pay them 17k? Is that were it stands at this point? I would give them some money and tell them it is time to move out. You will probably have to find new childcare,but it will be worth the peace. 6 years is a very long time to float someone.People will take advantage of others if others allow it.Only you can put an end to it. I love my mom,but I would not want her living with me or giving me daily input on parenting.


Best wishes for everyone involved!

 

[joebryant]

Quote:
You're a caring person. You knew their situation that's gotten worse. Nothing's changed basically.
Stand your ground, parents or no; they have no business interfering, so don't let 'em. But honestly, you aren't the type who can tell them it's over, so live with it. You'd miss 'em anyway.