Is it cruel to ask your parents to move out???

[isadream]

Quote:
I think if she wanted to raise her kids her way she would not have allowed her parents to provide daycare for the last 6 years. If I do not agree with your behavior and your values then I darn sure will NOT leave my kids with you. I would bet that the kids are old enough to go to school now and the OP does not all day child care now so she now she wants to boot the parents out.

Renee

 

[Dunkopf]

Sounds like you should do some math and figure things out. Daycare is worth a lot, calculate your actual savings and how much they actually have given you and you have given them. Find them a one bedroom apt that is safe and move them out. If you calculate that you owe them money pay them off or agree to help out each month with their new place. If you have the resources offer to help out anyway. Your Husband is probably going nuts.

I had my MIL live with my DW and I. She finally PO'd my DW and things got tense. Next thing I know she went to visit her son for a couple weeks. Then she wrote and asked us to mail her stuff to her and keep her bed. I was very happy. She put a strain on our whole family and our relationships.

 

[Rusty Hills Farm]

hmmm. On the other side of the family, SO's parents moved into an assisted living facility when they were on SS. The building was financed by their temple and they paid a minimal rent based on their income (which was only SS). It was a neat place with lots of retirees of their own age and with similar interests and they really enjoyed living there. Eventually (when they were in their 80s) neither of them could manage, so the temple transferred them to its nursing home, where they lived until they passed--about 6 months apart.

Does your church or temple have anything similar? I know they had to be on a waiting list for several months, but when they finally got into the building, it was a VERY nice, well-maintained facility within walking distance to their temple. I know they were very happy with the arrangement--they said so several times over the years. Perhaps something like this would be the answer for your parents?

HTH

Rusty

 

[Judy]

Quote:
X2.

My mother lived alone for many years after my father died. She lived her last 8 months or so with me at my insistence, when she couldn't take care of herself any more. So parents who, shall we say, choose not to be independent, are hard for me to understand.

OTOH, if she gives them $17,000, at least they will be gone for a while. Maybe.

 

[HeatherLynn]

Quote:
What kind of advice is that. Rum is a much better answer I think. Seriously you left her with only one option there. sigh

On a more serious note I would say that yes some money should be repaid since you will get the benefit of the finished basement and the additional value to your home. Split the difference of what was actually paid on the basement. They got 6 years use and now you get the rest. Seems fair. You paid for utilities and food so I think the baby sitting part is covered and both sides are even. Is them living there really the issue or is the interference in raising the kids? Maybe rules and roles need to be renegotiated? We lived with my parents for several years, then on our own in the house we bought and now again as we are building a home closer to them so they have family close enough to care for them. Its all about negotiation. I will tell you that my children really struggled when the grandparents moved to the farm 45 minutes away from us. They had always had them there since birth and we had alot of issues with them adjusting.

 

[Jenski]

I know I should not stick my nose into personal posts like this. . . especially when I am kicking back enjoying a glass of wine. (Didn't have any gin - - sorry joe b.)

And yet . . . here I am, LOL!

I will say only this to the OP: family drives us crazy. CRAZY!!! Oh dear Lord, especially when we are all cooped up together, even the folks who are most dear to us just drive us up the wall. This can make everything seem so . . . huge and distressing. As a not-so-young chick who has lived with adult family members - - and who has lost some very dear family members over the years - - I will say from experience that when family members pass away, it puts everything in complete perspective. The stuff we argue about just doesn't seem so important any more. Everything that seemed so huge is stripped down and it all comes down to one thing. . . love of family. There is really nothing else.

So as I brace myself for yet another kooky, dysfunctional family gathering tomorrow, the middle aged me is so very grateful to have these dear, dear people driving me crazy. I already know what it's like when they start disappearing from my life one by one.

Hang in there! The 3-month break may be just what you need to "reset" your relationship and allow you to breathe.

 

[redhen]

It shouldnt be about who pays what and etc... they are your parents.
And you'll be very sorry when they are gone.
I would never even think about putting my mother out. Just like she never thought of putting me out of her house.
My mother is welcome to move back into my house at any time. And even though i may want to kill her some days.. shes still my mother and i'll be devastated when shes gone and i'll never be able to see her again. THATS whats really important to me. Everything else is just petty s*it.

 

[Elite Silkies]

Quote:
I think if she wanted to raise her kids her way she would not have allowed her parents to provide daycare for the last 6 years. If I do not agree with your behavior and your values then I darn sure will NOT leave my kids with you. I would bet that the kids are old enough to go to school now and the OP does not all day child care now so she now she wants to boot the parents out.

Renee

She has helped them financially for 14 years, they have only helped her with the kids for 6. Yes, daycare is expensive, but so is feeding 2 extra people, plus electricity, water, etc. You do not know how much the parents watch the children or exactly what it is that they contribute.

I allow my children to be watched my mother, but we do not agree on everything. No one is ever going to agree 100% with anyone. How do you honestly know the behavior of people outside of their workplace? Did you interview your daycare workers and spend time at their homes to see what their behavior is at home or what their values are?

But, I never try and assume anything, because most people know what happens when you assume.

 

[SAM1646]

Im not being cruel. Just so everyone know I still put all my kids in day care for a couple days a week so the parents would have a break. And before my youngest was born the other two went to day care 2-3 days a week at $150.00.

I owned a business and I also employed my mother and paid her a salery weekley. Till recently I discolved the business and laid everyone off. due to the expenses. I also paid my father $800.00 a month to drive for me. Husband made me move the business in house and down size since it was costing to much money, and were paying my parents.

I also pay for their half their storage fee at a storage unit for all the odds and ends they had from their house since I dont have room for all that to.

My dad is very compliant and he usually goes downstairs about 6:30pm everynight.

I still put my youngest in day care on monday and it still cost me $400.00 a month. I would never take advantage of my parents. When I first had my son I paid for my mother to have a car and just until last month I paid that car payment and I still pay for the car insurances and there car phone for there emergency's.

They do buy little things like milk bread and odd and ends, but heres a example. I gave my mother $200.00 for thanks giving dinner and she went over the budget by $70.00. She did have the nerve to ask me for the additional $70.00 that she spent since she stated that she was cooking and my husbands side is coming.

????? I dont know. I gave her the money since I was not about to fight.

I think that I spolied my mother and I cant take everything away from her. Sometimes I feel that I buy her off to make her happy. At least thats how my husband feels.

 

[Nekhebet]

Quote:
I think if she wanted to raise her kids her way she would not have allowed her parents to provide daycare for the last 6 years. If I do not agree with your behavior and your values then I darn sure will NOT leave my kids with you. I would bet that the kids are old enough to go to school now and the OP does not all day child care now so she now she wants to boot the parents out.

Renee

She has helped them financially for 14 years, they have only helped her with the kids for 6. Yes, daycare is expensive, but so is feeding 2 extra people, plus electricity, water, etc. You do not know how much the parents watch the children or exactly what it is that they contribute.

I allow my children to be watched my mother, but we do not agree on everything. No one is ever going to agree 100% with anyone. How do you honestly know the behavior of people outside of their workplace? Did you interview your daycare workers and spend time at their homes to see what their behavior is at home or what their values are?

But, I never try and assume anything, because most people know what happens when you assume.

Again, I agree.

Many people seem to have the theme that "you should do this because you'll regret it if you don't when your parents die" or "they're your parents" and so certain things are OWED to them by default.

Please remember that not everyone has the same relationship with their parents and not all parents ACTED like parents. This may not be the case with the OP, obviously but it kind of irks me when people ASSUME that all parents deserve something from their children. I myself will not miss my mother when she passes as she has not been a parent to me, is self serving, and generally does more harm than good. My father, I've seen exactly twice since I was five, and I'll see 30 on my next birthday. So please understand that not all situations are alike.