Is it cruel to ask your parents to move out???

[Slinkytoys]

Did they not save anything from "working" at your business? It sounds like they just doled out the money to your brother. Parents are people too, and can start to feel "entitled" when things get too cushy for them Perhaps when they go to visit him for three months, you could pack up the moving truck and send them their stuff. I moved my mother from Ohio to Colorado. Fortunately we have six residences on our estate. She now has a nice place to live, a car to drive and someone (me) to check on her. She pays her own utilities, for her pets and sundries. Life is much better for her now, I don't have to worry about her AND there is enough space on the 85 acres that we are not in each others pocket. No way in heck would I live in the same house with her and we both understand this.
You need to grow a pair and work something out with your parents. If you do not, your marriage and your children will be damaged. Yes, your children. Your relationship with them IS being changed by your living arrangements. Go to family counseling. They will explain to you what is going on with your relationships, at least the tension alone is enough to affect the kids. You may not see this right now, it will get worse when the kids are old enough to play one against the other.
Just my opinion (and my minor in Psychology)
Slinky

 

[PineappleMama]

Quote:
Sorry but that is not something you should EVER hear coming out of a grandparent's mouth... EVER. Is that all those babies are to them? I loathe people who view children as commodities... or pawns. If that's the attitude they have then they need to be gone before your kids realize that.

As to $17,000... what does 6 years worth of room and board for two people come up to? Our rent, not even counting utilities OR food at all, is $700/month... aka $8400.00 per year... times six would be $50,400... I'd be doing a happy dance if I could get six years of rent PLUS electric, water, phone, internet, gas, food, toilet paper, shampoo, etc for $17,000.00... or 2833.33 per year.

I'm afraid if they decided to bring that point up with me then I'd have to tally up the costs for them... figure what an efficiency apartment goes for in your area... plus everything else... for SIX YEARS... think what you would charge if you were renting out that space... and let them decide just who has been using who.

Boy that just makes me SO mad... hmm didn't realize that's what the name of that mad smilie is... it works. Anyways, they CHOSE to move in with you (knowing it would include helping with the kids), they chose to give you those funds, they chose to support others instead of making a nest egg for themselves... all THEIR choices. Somehow they seem to have forgotten that very basic thing. That THEY are responsible for their own choices. If that's the example they're setting... on top of your kids just being cash cows... nope I'd set a date and tell them to find a place.

No kiddo deserves to be exposed to that kind of thing... especially not when they've got two loving supportive RESPONSIBLE parents.

for you and your DH and

to the selfish people out there... I swear they're multiplying... like amoebas.

 

[mommyofthreewithchicks]

Living with extra adults in the house is ROUGH. I know I have had two adults come back to our "nest" after/between college (siblings-in-law and we have three young children as well). Started as a short period and ended up being a year or more... I have one that has moved her stuff back in but most likely did not like that I have lived and learned and anyone that comes to stay for an extended visit WILL have rules on board so is sleeping over at her sisters (who is starting to feel very taken with this situation, I am guessing after the holidays we will have a meeting of our own).

I go with the model that it takes a village to raise a child. I also think that my children will listen to an adult and NEEDS to do so when they live with us. That comes back to bite me in the tush when someone doles out something when I am in the room. I have spoken many a time to state that I am the parent and when I am here I rule but... If they see something they need to speak up too so at times it has become a battle ground.


I would have a "come to Jesus" meeting with your parents and lay all the cards on the table. They need to know that you feel taken advantage of and that things can not go on as they have. Take a figure for what rent would be and a figure what childcare would be- Trust me I am guessing that rent will be a lot more. Since I heard in your message that there was some pluses to having them around I would remind them of that as well (I don't like to be purely negative).

If they are asking you to keep it quiet then I am guessing that they are taking for granted that they get to see their Grandbabies everyday. And perhaps they are growing resentful for that fact as well. I would not pay them to move out.... But if that is the action taken then I would give them a few months to figure it out. If they are to stay I would work out some type of system where they pull their weight- that could be childcare (although I know of quite a few grandparents who do this with love in their hearts for free) or yard work or something.

As for your DH's family money- Not their concern!!! That would be Dh and yours to have when you get it (might remind you not to count those eggs before they hatch though....).

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
This is why you need a mediator; someone who doesn't have the baggage attached of being the daughter and also their means of financial support. Someone who can help you each to see the situation through each others eyes, and can help you find common ground.

 

[Mahonri]

I have a family here on earth. They are so good to me.
I want to share my life with them through all eternity.
Fam’lies can be together forever through Heav’nly Father’s plan.
I always want to be, with my own family,
And the Lord has shown me how I can.
The Lord has shown me how I can.

It's hard. Find a way to get a small place they can afford nearby.
Love them. Get your brothers involved, have a family council.
Work on a way to help make them happy and feel loved.

Life is just too short.

 

[debilorrah]

I am not even going to continue to read this drivel. The OP got a new basement. Yes. The OP has been SUPPORTING them for SIX years. Debt paid fer cryin out loud!!!! Where is it ok for a parent to come into a grown childs home and dictate how they raise their childen?? India, yes. NOT here.

ETA: For my haters, that is NOT a racist statement. It is a cultural one.

 

[Qi Chicken]

I would get them an apartment close by. Affordable rent. If they both get social security they should be able to afford it. You could pay 2-300.00 towards the rent per month given directly to the landlord. Sounds like it would be a LOT cheaper in the long run. I also cringe when I hear they feel owed for taking care of the grandchildren part-time when you were taking care of them full-time. It should have been a labor of love. But be that as it may, you are all independent adults. They will eventually feel better on their own as will you. Good luck to you!

 

[Elite Silkies]

Quote:

 

[PineappleMama]

Quote:
No Debi I'm right there with you. I made DH a deal MANY moons ago... should the need EVER arise. In exchange for YOUR mom not coming to live with us, MY mom never will. He seemed to think it was a good bargain. (see Today's Episode in family for an example of Mum)

It's WONDERFUL for children to have a large family. Wonderful for them to have multiple generations of knowledge, not to mention love, to tap. But that does NOT mean they all have to live under the same roof.

 

[BarkerChickens]

Quote:
Put up with it? Really............... Why? Her parent's need to know their boundaries. She wants to raise her kids the way she wants to, they should accept that. I don't interfere in the way my kids raise their kids, it's not my right. I might not like everything they do, but it's their kids.

She has supported them for 6 years now, but she owes them? Maybe, I'm missing something.

You aren't missing anything and I just managed to get my jaw off the floor. The OP has been paying for everything for them for 6 years while they have helped their OTHER children. I think that more than covers the cost of the basement. I lived with my mom for 10 years to help her out. I chose to end the cycle 3 years ago and I couldn't be happier than I am now.

I agree!! $17,000 over 6 years is less than $236/mo. That's all they have paid to live there for 6 years. They have been living for free! I understand that finances are tough and family is family, but there is a line that must be drawn at some point. Regarding the earlier comment that the finished basement will get the money back in the sale in the house...great...that would average out to $500/mo for that 6 years assuming they got 100% return on it. Where can most people live for $500/mo total expenses? I'm sorry, but I consider the $17,000 a payment in advance for living there.

As for what to do? No clue...that's a tough one.