Is it cruel to ask your parents to move out???

[annaraven]

OP: You're a freaking saint. Get them outta there.

 

[Mahonri]

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And do it with LOVE!!

 

[HHandbasket]

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I certainly did not view your comment as a put down of the cultural differences in India... you were merely making a simple comparison to the traditions in one country versus the traditions in another.

I agree... mom and dad have been getting the easy way out for way too long. I hope that things smooth out at least for the holidays, though, so you can tackle this problem head-on when the time is right.

It's great to help out family, but when you let someone in your family come stay with you temporarily, and you are working your tail off to keep food on the table while you and your family are going broke and watching the people you're helping take what money they do have and toss it all to the wind willy-nilly instead of getting back up on their feet while they're taking advantage of you for years and years as in the OP's situation, it's time to sit them down and say, "I love you, so move out so that we can still have a relationship."

It's also great that the OP's parents want to help her brother, but the truth of the matter is they are not in position to help the brother and had an obligation to have told him so. "Sorry, we can't help you out because we can't even help ourselves. We have to depend on your sister and her husband to help us." They should have deferred helping their son out until they were in a position to do so.

You can't give people what you do not have, and the parents did not have any spare money to share with their son.

I have a bad relationship with my family anyway, though, because every single time I have allowed family to come and stay with me, I've ended up in the OP's shoes... broke, my life a shambles, no say-so in how things go in my own house, etc. It's an awful feeling, and my heart goes out to the OP in the biggest way.

 

[mom'sfolly]

The OP sounds like she has been carrying her entire family for years....

14 years of financial help for mom and dad including: providing a home and car, paying dad to drive and providing a paying job for mom
Helping brother buy a house, and helping him with half the mortgage; but him refinancing while still taking money from the OP and losing the mortgage


In return, she has gotten constant criticism of her husband and children, "free" daycare, and her parents nearby. They take money and goods from her, but fund the brother's financially unstable lifestyle. And they want the $17,000 they "gave" her to build the basement.

I think she would be better off paying them the $17,000 but telling them that's it. She can no longer provide the jobs, help pay for everything and bail them out after they have bailed brother out.


I think that family counseling for everyone is also in order. OP, you owe them nothing, but if you pay them back and make clear that that is it; it may be the best for all involved. It sounds like you might be the only adult in your family.

 

[Knock Kneed Hen]

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This whole thing is sad--really sad if you think about how its the night before Thanksgiving and you are thinking about/wanting to kick your parents out. Makes me sad for your whole family.

Renee

What I think is really sad is how these parents are taking advantage of the situation. How many of you out there with children would burden your children with this??? We raise our children to be self sufficient, independent, capable...why are these parents expecting their child to relieve them of their responsibilities??? To the OP: Your first priority is the happiness of your marriage partner. If he's not happy with the situation then it's time to change. He's been tolerant for six years. I think that's very loving and generous of him. Now it's your turn to show him what he means to you. You can give your parents time, give them financial help for the first few months if you want, then set them free!!!

 

[joebryant]

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This whole thing is sad--really sad if you think about how its the night before Thanksgiving and you are thinking about/wanting to kick your parents out. Makes me sad for your whole family.

Renee

What I think is really sad is how these parents are taking advantage of the situation. How many of you out there with children would burden your children with this??? We raise our children to be self sufficient, independent, capable...why are these parents expecting their child to relieve them of their responsibilities??? To the OP: Your first priority is the happiness of your marriage partner. If he's not happy with the situation then it's time to change. He's been tolerant for six years. I think that's very loving and generous of him. Now it's your turn to show him what he means to you. You can give your parents time, give them financial help for the first few months if you want, then set them free!!!

I must have missed the part of your husband's not being happy with the situation. If that's the case, they have to go. He comes before them.

 

[SarahBeth9394]

Yep that is why the good book tells us to "leave and cleave". Your marriage is your first priority. When your parents are gone from this earth and your children are gone from your home it is your spouse that you will be with until you are parted by death. Firstly I wouldn't put up with having someone causing strife in my hubby and I's marriage. Secondly I'd tell them that if they can't handle the noise of the children then it's time to find another place to live. Thirdly they have been supported financially and have decided to take advantage of it. They couldn't have lived anywhere on their own as cheaply. Fourthly they chose to bail their son out with the money they weren't using to support themselves. What? They might as well have flushed that money down the toilet since he got foreclosed on.

It's past time they got out on their own, supported themselves, and were relieved of the burden of being annoyed by their grandchildren.

As for the kids. They will do just fine in the long run without their grandparents there. With them gone the stress level in the home will go down.

The OP is a saint for helping them out this much this long. A saint to a fault.

 

[sunflowerenvy]

first all i am sorry that u r have this trouble with your parents. you need to sit down and talk to them . you n husband have set some rules in the house about the kids.[ no more helping out] if they dont want to follow the rules then ask them to leave draw up a written contract

1. do not let your parents babysit or help out with the kids[ give them baths at night, read to them, get them dress for a minute. it is your children

2.if u want to employed them in your home business treat them salary worker u are the boss.

3. if u ask them to leave make sure that apt rent and utility wont be more than their SS. you may have to come up with deposit for the utility n the rental.

4 the money sitution is a rough call yes they live there cheap but u had live in baby sitter., housekeeper.

be glad that you still have you parents alive and well and can take care of them self.

i am in opposite boat of you and your hubby
i am married n have a19 yr old daughter and wonderful and understand hubby.

we took in my mother who was walking with cane, then walker. 8 yrs ago i call her on the phone she was sick i took a bus to home at that time we only had one car. when i arrive at her apt she end up in hospital due to flu. the doctor told me that she wont be able go home by herself. my hubby said that we will take care of her, because i took care of his mom. my brothersn sisters refuse to take her in
ok that was ok but now it was very rough for me to be separete from my daughter n hubby we live in florida n mom lives in SC. so my daughter finish her 8th grade then came and finish her schooling in Sc.
things got worse for me. my mother was showing sign of dementia[ losing of the mind] then and now she end up have Alzheimer's she like having baby now. wheelchair bound, or in bed.
i lost my mother memory 6yrs ago but her body is still there. most days she call me that 'lady who helps me out.
every night when i put her to bed. she thanks me ask me how much does she owes me and please come back in the morning to help me out. gn lady and it hurts to see your mom wasting away . i am just 51 yrs old.

while i was in SC my hubby had 2 heart attack too.
we finally got back together in tenn about 18 months ago. i have my hubby n daughter[ going away to college in spring] and taking care of mom too. we just bought a home in tennesse
so life is rough but the sun will shine every day
laura

 

[Cindiloohoo]

The people who took care of you for 18 years or more...need to get out of your house. Just like some kids take advantage by keeping coming back...occassionally parents do the same to their kids. Eventually someone gets booted out of the nest. That has GOT to be frustrating. I say, get them their own place for Christmas. Don't worry about cost if you are coming into money, invest it in your relationship with your parents, via their own place. What did it cost to raise you? Ya wanna give that back to them, or a few grand they spent on the finished basement? I'd jump on the discount of refunding the money for the basement(of which you hold the equity) to get them out of my home. You will reap benefits both ways. You and DH have done an honorable thing for 6 years by helping them. Keep it honorable, and don't destroy your relationship with them. Tis the season...to give parents the gift that keeps on giving to ALL of you...their own space outside of yours

Keep it civil by offering it as a gift! No need for talking to them. No need for broken relationships. It's a win/win!

 

[Intheswamp]

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Well said, QC, on all points.

Ed