Is There Anybody Else Here With Aspberger's Syndrome?

[chicken_china_mom]

I'm still learning so much about being an Aspie, and raising a child with it, but I'd like some input on a problem that is driving me nuts right now.

My older DD, the one that I am going to have tested (though I know the doctor will diagnose her, and if he doesn't, then he clearly doesn't know the symptoms), is driving me nuts. She just cannot, or will not, follow the rules I set down. She just does her own thing as though she will not get reprimanded for her behavior. Today for instance. We have kittens that we are trying to potty train, and, well, one of them had an accident on the dining room floor. I was so mad because I just scrubbed the entire dining room yesterday, and here a kitten goes in there and poops. Oh I was livid. I can't bend since my car accident in June, so I asked her to clean it up. She said ok, but didn't clean it up. I realized in the afternoon that it was still there, so I asked her again, more firmly. Again she didn't clean it up. I told her to clean it up maybe a dozen times, and by this evening I was yelling, and STILL she wasn't doing it. She finally cleaned it up when I went after her. I don't want to be a mean mom, but I don't want to be too lenient either. But this is a frequent even with her. My rule is to not eat in my room. She had a full dinner at the table tonight of lasagna, but she went in my room to watch tv and without my knowledge she took crackers, graham crackers, and a can of tuna in there and ate them! How do I get her to acknowledge the rules and follow them? If I take tv privileges away, she ignores me and turns the tv on anyway. If I go in and turn it off after she has done that, she has a meltdown. Chores, shoot, she doesn't want to do ANYTHING, and it's driving me nuts! I can recognize a lot of her behavior because I was just like her at her age, however, I did NOT disobey my mother's rules because if I did, she had this big thick belt and she would use it. I feared the belt, lol. How exactly do I get through to her? Can I expect worse to come? Will her symptoms get worse or better as time goes on? I finally am getting through to her about doing her homework, and how she feels most comfortable doing it, but she shuts down about most other things. But I need to find a way to get her to understand that there are rules, and she is not exempt from them. My younger daughter, she understands that there are rules. She understands that she loses privileges if she breaks the rules, but her sister just doesn't seem to comprehend, or just doesn't care. Anyone have advice on how I can get through to her? BEFORE I lose my mind?

 

[annaraven]

1. If you ask her to do something, don't just say "will you do this", say "please do this *now*, here's the papertowels to do it with." (Aspies sometimes don't grok time and won't assume that "do this" means "now". ) Or, if she's in the middle of something and it can wait, set a timer for 10 or 15 minutes and say, "when the timer goes off, you need to do x chore." (Timers are a good thing!)

2. If you don't want her to eat in her room, make sure she understands that doesn't just mean: "don't have meals in my room" but also "don't take snacks or any other food in my room". Then, if she takes them in there, immediately have her take them out again. Just keep repeating stuff like that. And before you allow her in to your room *ever*, remind her each time that she can only go in without any food or snacks. I know it's a pain to remind someone over and over, but it takes time for it to sink in.

3. Aspies develop differently - some things will change for the better, some for the worse (she's going to be a teenager after all and teens are really just two-year-olds in bodies too big to carry into their room for a timeout.) But it will change.

 

[chicken_china_mom]

Quote:
So it's repetition, repetition, repetition. I can get that. Now I know why my mother would repeat things over and over until she sounded like a broken record.

I don't usually ask either kid to do something, I usually say "Hey, it's your day to do the dishes, go do them", or "Come pick this up off the floor". I truly dread the teen years. I'll work more on repetition with her though. If I have to stand over her, I guess I have to. But she has to learn what she is, and isn't allowed to do, BEFORE I lose my mind. I love her and I only want the best for her. Thank you for this advice, I needed it very much.

 

[justbugged]

chicken_china_mom; One of the things you may need to do is learn to be okay with your DD having a melt down. After about the age of three t is hard to learn that a child's melt down is a better sign that you are doing your job as a parent than if they never have one. As long as she gets her way when having a melt down that longer she continue using that as a method to get her own way. She training you, not you training her.

Being a fun parent isn't worth the heartache of what can happen if your daughter doesn't learn some basics about how to function. There are very few employers that will put up with a employee that has melt down when they are asked to do something they don't want to do.

 

[Widget]

Well I finally had the chance to speak with my boss' boss. We talked for about 45 minutes about the whole issue. Or I should say I talked. He's the type that actually lets another person speak without interrupting. Then he waits a few seconds until responding to make sure the other person is finished. Unlike my boss who interrupts before you get out the first word.

He asked a few questions especially about Asperger's since he had never heard of it. Bottom line is he has no idea why my boss is so adamant about the break issue. He sees no reason for the reaction. But to be fair he did say he would get the other side of the story and would talk to my boss. Now I am waiting to hear the outcome. Our talk was last Wednesday when my boss was off. Thursday was quiet and my boss was out of the office for most of Friday. So I don't know if anything has been said to him yet. I know the issue won't be dropped so I not concerned about that. But the next conversation I have with my boss on the issue will be interesting.




Quote:

 

[EweSheep]

Took the test.....good old 16 is my number, average female LOL!

Hubby was 29......ugh!

Good or bad?

My nephew (thru hubby's family) was recently dx with autism. SIL is getting the help for him to be a "productive" little man with all the assistance from March of Dimes.

My niece (my bro in law and his family has alot of ADD and austism, learning disabilities, dyslexic) was ADD, and eyes to brain wired wrong......when she reads her book, she has to jiggle up and down to get to the lines until she read with corrective lenses, she reads just fine. She is in fifth grade, but reads in 1st grade level, writes in Kindergarten level and mental composition of a second grader. She has ALOT to catch up and still on ADD meds.

Hubby has alot of things but not diagnosed.....ADD or what? He can not stay focus, loses temper when things just don't go his way and sort of "lack of empathy" type of male when he hurts people mentally but he really didn't meant to. Self denial about alot of things and blames others for his problems. I had to remind him, him and himself only caused the problems.

My dd is alot like hubby. Have social problems of "fitting in" that no one wants to play with her because she was "strange". Have a tendency to bully people and teachers and I had to remind her daily. She has to be reminded again and again, get up, get washed up, get dressed, get socks and shoes on, etc. otherwise, she would go off to "space" doing something else. If I ask her to pick up her plate, put it in the sink for Mommy to wash, she would get up, walk in the bedroom and sit back down on the chair. Again i reminded her, she did the same thing but more frustrated. I had to show her what I need for her to do each step....it seems like it gets worse more and more in the last six months. She constantly forgetting things. Also, when down for bed, she complains her mind is still going.

 

[annaraven]

Quote:
So it's repetition, repetition, repetition. I can get that. Now I know why my mother would repeat things over and over until she sounded like a broken record.

I don't usually ask either kid to do something, I usually say "Hey, it's your day to do the dishes, go do them", or "Come pick this up off the floor". I truly dread the teen years. I'll work more on repetition with her though. If I have to stand over her, I guess I have to. But she has to learn what she is, and isn't allowed to do, BEFORE I lose my mind. I love her and I only want the best for her. Thank you for this advice, I needed it very much.

NOT just repetition. SPECIFIC, CLEAR instruction with very clear timelines. And remembering that, if she's anything like me, nothing in her brain will prompt her to realize that this means "NOW".

So please accept it as a limitation that may be more physiological than simply being stubborn or careless.

And my sympathy - I know how frustrating it is. My son is the same way. Just remember, it's also frustrating on this end to not be able to remember to do things you really truly wanted to do!

 

[annaraven]

Quote:
Is she forgetting *about* things or forgetting *to do* things? Those are different kinds of forgetting. I find that I need prompts to remind me to do things - I can remember just fine that I need to do x at time y. I just never realize that it's time y, NOW, and that that means I wanted to do x. There's no "oh hey - I need to do that now" circuit in my brain. I rely on PDAs and postits and the like. Eventually, for simple things I do every day, I may eventually remember it. But it's way harder to build a habit than it seems to be for most people.

As for going to bed - yeah. She might benefit from learning some visualization/guided relaxation techniques for getting her brain to shut off. It's hard. For me, I needed to use music that slowly wound me down to sleep. Keep a bedtime ritual, that's long enough for her to wind down with, and realize she may need more than the usual.

Good luck!

 

[EweSheep]

Quote:
Is she forgetting *about* things or forgetting *to do* things? Those are different kinds of forgetting. I find that I need prompts to remind me to do things - I can remember just fine that I need to do x at time y. I just never realize that it's time y, NOW, and that that means I wanted to do x. There's no "oh hey - I need to do that now" circuit in my brain. I rely on PDAs and postits and the like. Eventually, for simple things I do every day, I may eventually remember it. But it's way harder to build a habit than it seems to be for most people.

As for going to bed - yeah. She might benefit from learning some visualization/guided relaxation techniques for getting her brain to shut off. It's hard. For me, I needed to use music that slowly wound me down to sleep. Keep a bedtime ritual, that's long enough for her to wind down with, and realize she may need more than the usual.

Good luck!

She would forget "to do" things...even right then and there, she would just go spacey and I asked her a few times did you understand what I am asking you to do? She would reply, no! or"what???" The concept of NOW does not register in her brain, she would say in a minute, and a minute went by, I would ask her again, do you remember what I ask you to do? She would say no, I dont remember.

We give her a 15 minute bedtime reading but it still keeps her up two hours every night and so grumpy in the morning. Goes to bed at seven pm and sometimes she is out by nine to nine thirty.

 

[chicken_china_mom]

Quote:
Is she forgetting *about* things or forgetting *to do* things? Those are different kinds of forgetting. I find that I need prompts to remind me to do things - I can remember just fine that I need to do x at time y. I just never realize that it's time y, NOW, and that that means I wanted to do x. There's no "oh hey - I need to do that now" circuit in my brain. I rely on PDAs and postits and the like. Eventually, for simple things I do every day, I may eventually remember it. But it's way harder to build a habit than it seems to be for most people.

As for going to bed - yeah. She might benefit from learning some visualization/guided relaxation techniques for getting her brain to shut off. It's hard. For me, I needed to use music that slowly wound me down to sleep. Keep a bedtime ritual, that's long enough for her to wind down with, and realize she may need more than the usual.

Good luck!

She would forget "to do" things...even right then and there, she would just go spacey and I asked her a few times did you understand what I am asking you to do? She would reply, no! or"what???" The concept of NOW does not register in her brain, she would say in a minute, and a minute went by, I would ask her again, do you remember what I ask you to do? She would say no, I dont remember.

We give her a 15 minute bedtime reading but it still keeps her up two hours every night and so grumpy in the morning. Goes to bed at seven pm and sometimes she is out by nine to nine thirty.

Boy does your DD sounds like my DD!!! She completely spaces out over the smallest of instructions, and has to be told repeatedly to do it. The bad thing is, I'm the same way, so I space out and forget to tell her to do it again.

It's a work in progress.

As for reading for 15 minutes, there is no way on Earth that my daughter would read for only 15 minutes. She would stay up hours reading too and if I even tried to take that book away, it would be a guaranteed melt down. So in my daughter's case, books have to be taken completely away at night. We had an interesting situation tonight. My church has a Halloween party every year, and I bought my kids costumes last year to wear this year. Both girls were excited, and they have been fiddling with those costumes for the entire year. Well, they moved the party up from the 28th to tonight, and when my kids found out, all of a sudden my older DD just shut down. She didn't want to go, she tried to say she couldn't find her costume, and then argued that no one would like her costume and that she would look stupid. She was the cutest pink pirate ever, no chance she could look ugly! After a minor meltdown I got her to put her costume on and I did her make up, and they walked down to the church. I couldn't go because I have trouble walking the block down to the church or sitting in those seats since the car accident, so just the kids went. My younger DD is the more social of the two and she had a blast. My older DD was reluctant to participate in the games, but she was proud of herself when she was able to guess how many pieces of candy corn were in the jar to within 2 (she guessed 375, there were 377!), and she won the jar of candy. She was very proud of herself. This is a common thing with her. She begins to get anxious as a social event comes up, and then goes through a series of melt downs before either completely shutting down, or being bribed into attending the event. Tonight she was told that she had to go because I wasn't permitting her sister to walk home in the dark alone. Sure, it's only a block in a town that's only 4 blocks long, but still, I wanted her with her sister. They had a good time, and that's what I think is important. Honestly though, aside from the fact that I have so much trouble sitting in the pews since that stupid car accident (bulging disc), I'm finding church to be a very stressful place to be. I don't feel comfortable there. The fact that it's such a small church too doesn't help. People look at me, they talk about me, and I don't want them to. Sometimes I want certain people to talk to me, but most of them I'm not comfortable around, even though they are nice people. I guess I have to work on that some more. Shoot, I've lived in this town for almost 3 years and I know just enough people to count them on one hand.