I've got to say something, or I'll explode!

[morelcabin]

The problem is that those judges and services should put the control back into the parents hands where it SHOULD be and let the kid know that thier parents are in contol, NOT them! The way they do things basicly just lets the kid know that they've gotten rewarded for thier bad behavior by being allowed to live in town (DD did this to us as well by the way) AND that they can leave when the rules don't wish to be followed at home
Give the parents back some power for goodness sakes!

 

[redhen]

Hi, i just have to say that i am very sorry for all your troubles...its got to be heartbreaking...:aww..
Also, i just wanted to add, that tina maY be right, the judge may not be so much aganist you..she just may feel that you both need a break for a bit...but..i know that i would be very upset if a judge did that to me...because it IS like giving the child her way...arrgh!..that gets me so mad!...because you see, i am a therapeutic foster parent of teens..so i see this stuff every day...i see them move kids from foster house to foster house because the child is acting out...because they dont want to follow rules...(i warned my company..they better not do it to me...if a child in my house is being punished and dosent like it, they need to back me up, and so far so good..

, because that will be the day i quit my job..), so, i see this all the time...its a childs way of avoiding the responsibility that comes with making wrong decisions...they just get moved to another place..where there is no consequence for the past behavior...and THATS why these kids never learn.....and by the time they are adults..well.., then they go to prision...where they learn MORE bad things..its a nasty, nasty cycle.....you see..i am a pretty strict foster parent...i have no tolerance for disrespect, or any of that stuff....BUT, i am also fair....i explain the rules to them...i explain WHY we have those rules....i explain clearly what will be their consequence if they break the rules....and i follow through with it..every time..so they really understand....but..on the onter hand..if i have a kid that is mostly good...never really is defiant..and one day..something happens..well...i tell him, okay...since you are usually so good here...you will only have this small consequence(or sometimes none)..this time...because i want to try be fair..(noones perfect), but yet, they need to know that what they did was wrong.......and yet..i have had some kids that nothing worked..nothing...they are now in residental faculities or lock-up...which is also sad..but..they made the decisions....now they are living with it....they call me..and it breaks my heart..(cause i know, under it all..they are still just kids...even the hardened thug ones...)i'm sorry this is so long...i tend to ramble!....also, please know, that i have a teen boy inmy house now...he is here because he was also very defiant at home and school..and the family asked for help...the plan with him is..to return him home within 6 months..but the judge feels that they need some family therapy..all of them together..to work out what the problems are..and to start off with day home visits..then some overnights..they want to go slow to be sure that the same problems dont just arise again when he returns home...so, thats why i say..the judge may not be so much aganist you..he may be somehow trying to help you out...(i hope so anyways)..also, i just have to say, that i just hope that they dont put her in a home where they will let her run the roads..and get her way....

....because that will just be more problems for you in the future...

....i wish you all the best....my thoughts are with your family, take care, Wendy

 

[Chickybaby]

Thank you, Wendy. I'm not offended at all. I've actually been pleasantly suprised at the responses I've gotten. I'm glad there are people like you, who take difficult teens and provide what they need. I just learned that our social worker has closed the investigation against our family as unfounded - she's spoken to lots of folks who all tell the same story. The problem is in the life she had prior to us, and being allowed to get away with everything, and just pushing and pushing until she got her way. She's so far out there right now, all the lies and stories she's told, she really has no way of coming back from there. Not to home anyway. I don't believe the answer lies in continuing to allow her to "have her way" because it's only going to make it harder when she is returned to us. They can't keep her for 2 years, can they??

Their plan is to have her returned in 3-6 mos. Anyway, it's always helpful to me when I can see other peoples point. Maybe I can see it in a different light. To be honest, I'm not sure I'll ever figure this one out. Just too bizarre for reason.

Thanks.

 

[Sugar Sand Farm]

We got custody of my stepdaughter when she was 15. She had been sexually abused when she was very young by her stepfather. Nothing was done at the time as noone knew. When she was 15 she got into a terrible argument with her mother and stepfather and she went to social services and told them he had molested her. The molesting had stopped by the time she was 10. Anyway we got a call in the middle of the night to eithr come pick her up or they would place her in foster care. Of course we rushed to help her. That was the beginning of a two year battle. We had to take her to rape counseling,family counseling. They appointed her a gardian at lightim. We went to every family sounseling they scheduled. She did not want a family. She wanted brothers and sisters. By the time she was 16 she had become such a bad influnence on my other children I was at wits end. She also was under the impression she could do whatever she wanted. We were just as strict on her as we were on my other children. She felt she should be able to date men,go to bars,dress like something off the street corner. it was terrible. I became pregant shortly after her arrival so it was very hard on me. At evry session of counseling she turned the session around on one of our other children. She would go in first and talk then we would go in with her and discuss everything. Everytime the counselor would say something like You really should get counseling for your son he is really going in a bad direction. It was never about my stepdaughters problems which were alot. She even wanted this girl to date her own son. Finally I had all I could take and asked them to send her home. We helped her time aftertime but she was never satisifed. She told my son that she wanted to get everything she could out of her father as he had abandoned her. (this was a lie told to her by her mother) She had many many problems that the system ignored and placed the blame on us. Seems the system knows it all good luck you and yours are in our prayers.

 

[Cats Critters]

 

[cmcgoun]

Well you have got to respect your child's opinion and see if you can't reason with her. After all dont we deserve an opinion, I am 15 years old and for one I dont blame her for doing what she does. On top of how stressful this age can be, she is in all this trouble, and what not, it can't be good. I really do respect you for taking her in thats very courageous of you, and the fact that you are fighting to get her back really shows that you care for her and want to make her life better, going through foster care must be tough, and hopefully things can get turned around, the teenage life is rough you know sorting all these things out is stressful and cause some of us to snap. Hope everything works out for you!

 

[cjeanean]

That's exactly what my little sister is doing!!! She's pregnant for the 2nd time (first time God didn't let it work out) and she's only 17! she thinks she has it ALL figured out, and no law enforcement is doing anything to stop her! She's run away from home 4 times, and she never got put into juvy or anything. My mom is doing everything she can to help my sister and keep her out of harm's way (the harm she'll bring on herself for being such an IDIOT!!!) yet she thinks she's got it soooo freakin rough and no one loves her and she's better off on her own.

I totally believe in the old-fashioned way of doing things, that rules and boundaries are what make or break you and that children need stability. The problem is that in this day and age no one wants children to have those boundaries, and children can make their own rules because they "need freedom" what they need is a good grounding and hog-tying! Sorry, I'm really upset about the way children are handled nowadays. I don't think it's fair what this judge did, much less what the law enforcement did.

I think you should call the Christian Law Association (I think thats the one) because regardless of whether you're Christian or not they stand up for the so called old fashioned rights of parents, and I don't know if they'll take a case like this but it's worth a shot. You should sue the pants off the judicial system for not alerting you as to where you child was and for completely undermining your authority. Seems to me that this judge had a bad experience at 16 and wants to take it out on you! Good luck, and God Bless.

 

[cjeanean]

Quote:
You seem like a rational 15 year old, but keep in mind that not all teenagers are as rational as you may be. I'm only 22, and I did a LOT of stupid stuff at 15. I told my parents that I was at a friend's house and instead hopped a bus to Chicago to sleep (my first time) with a 17 year old Mexican that I met online. I needed to be put somewhere to protect me from my own stupid mistakes. God stepped in and saved me, and I wouldn't trade the lessons I learned, but it is a freakin MIRACLE I'm still alive. My sister cannot be reasoned with, and I'm assuming that this child in question, if running away like she is, cannot be reasoned with either. For the law to be involved like this says that these parents have tried everything, cause the law doesn't like bothering with people unless the people start bothing them.

Listening to and respecting your child's opinions are very important, but opinions without maturity mean NOTHING. Mature opinions are what count. A 16 year old drug addict (such as I was) may have a very strong opinion that all drugs should be legal and that cops suck and that everyone should just get together and get messed up. Another 16 yr old may have the opinion that all children should be allowed to come and go as they please once they turn 14, 15, or 16. maturity is what makes the difference, and you can listen all you want but when it boils down to it an immature teenage cannot be reasoned with.

Please understand that I am not attacking you, but based on the fact that you posted something like you did I take you to be one of the more mature teenagers (I may be wrong, just for the record LOL!

) I figured I would mention these things so that you'll understand. I know that you're still young, but I am impressed by the quality of your response. Here's another side of the story, from the perspective of one of the dumb kids....LOL!!

 

[conny63malies]

Quote:
I got a stepdaughter like that 18,pregnant ,no HS diploma,GED, car, job,...plans for life. She got pregnant on purpose by a dude that left for basic training a few weeks later.
Her mom thinks it is the greatest thing in the world. He next younger sister quit school too and the the others she has are heading down the same way. But i am not taking them in, no way, no how.

 

[cmcgoun]

Yeppers I understand cjean, and I dont at all feel like you attacked me, you complimented me, I am humbled!