I'll apologize in advance if this gets too long. My 16 year old step-daughter was put into foster care by a judge yesterday, and it's killing us. No one has found us to be unfit or neglectful, our home is fine and she has been well provided for (unless you ask her). We are a bit traditional, old-fashioned by some standards, which is making her "unhappy" and she decided she could leave our home and no one could/would do anything - and apparently she was right. We filed missing persons reports with law enforcement, been in contact with the school, been involved with the Dept of Juvenile Justice, Social Services, you name it and no one simply wants to tell this child she just needs to come home and follow the rules. It's just NUTS! She has a history (but who doesn't) and we were given custody 3 years ago - her mother just couldn't/wouldn't do anything with her. We moved to another State to help give her a fresh start and it was our hope that providing boundaries, stability, support and love would help heal her heart. She has been really good most of the time, but she really got messed up in some stuff and knew she would be in trouble here so she decided to start running, and has been doing just that for the last 4 weeks. She hasn't figured out that no matter where she goes, she takes herself with her. It's always someone elses fault that she makes bad decisions... and the worst part is she has this judge completely snowed! And it has only made the situation worse because she (the judge) has completely undermined our parental authority on every level, and basically reinforced the childs belief that there is nothing we can do. We have never been so frustrated and angry in our lives! Unfortunately, the judge can only see the anger in us at this point and has determined that she cannot place the child back in our home (although we have not been found to be a danger to her). She has NO idea what we have been through, the dead ends we've run into, people hiding her and lying to us (law enforcement knew where she was and did not tell us!), everyone has been telling us what to do and who to talk to and no one is listening to what the problem is or is willing to help us correct it. In fact, last week the child was placed in a temporary home, against our direct wishes and without first determining that it was an "appropriate" place to put her - and guess what, it was determined that is WASN'T late last week - but she was kept there until court yesterday! And now we're being told that the judge is likely going to make us pay child support because she is is fostercare. Are they KIDDING? I just don't understand any of this - I can't imagine how my husband feels! She is a very intelligent, beautiful and loving girl most of the time and the thought of losing her to the system it unbearable. I guess the next step will be to talk to an attorney and start picking our battles, I don't know.... If you believe in prayer (and we absolutely do) please keep us in yours. We're going to need all the help we can get. Thanks for listening...
Has she been assigned a child advocate?? If she hasn't you might want to look into it. They can make the situation worse, but they are usually social workers who listen to the whole story giving it more time than the judge can. Has she had a psych eval? demand that the state give her one. Then ask for family therapy. The situation with teens and the courts these days is really dysfunctional. You've got teens being abandoned in some states under the safe haven law and people don't recognize that this is a symptom of a huge systemic problem. Get a lawyer. If you can't afford one look into pro bono or legal aid offices. Good luck
i understand your frustration - we have a close neighbor who's single daughter IS on drugs and letting her 12 year old date 18 yr old boys, no supervision at all . her grandparents are good, tho rural people ( nothing wrong with that, as we are too) and went to court to have her in their custody. after about 6 months of supervision, good meals, attentive grandparents - she decides that she is bored and starts making false accusations against them.- all of a sudden they are under suspicion and being hounded by the social services - and even talk of sending her back to her heroin addicted mother - CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY??
So sorry. But when the courts give decision making abilities to juveniles, which is what this judge did, it will not result in anything good. This is the domain of a parents right and duties. Disciplin became a bad word in households quite some time ago and it shows. There are no boudaries now, no rules. Kids cannot know how to properly conduct themselves or be left to determine what is best for them. Hopefully your daughter will come to realize what she did was not a good decision but maybe not. It sounds like you care a lot as parents and thus are not to blame. My neighbor is in a similar situation, the daughter did not like rules and chores and homework so she went to live with her drug addict father and she is now a very promiscuous 15 year old and beyond redemption. Another neighbor has adult children living at home, some with high school educations, others dropped out. But they live at home free, do nothing there so the family trailer is caving in and the parents let them because their kids 'just don't know what they want to do with their lives'. Those boys are whopping it up on the roads with their ATV's, mud trucks and snowmobiles though! I think I know what they want to do with their lives.
I'm so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through. Your stepdaughter reminds me of myself when I was that age. I got mixed up with drugs and the wrong people. And no matter what choices I made it was never my fault. My parents are the best people in the world but I just was unable to see that. Im now 27 and have two young boys. I was unable to understand and appriciate all that they had done for me untill I had kids. My dad passed away from kidney cancer last year, I feel that as a teen I really messed up and hurt my family. I missed out on being close to my dad for about 5 years, 5 years that I would love to have back. I think at that age being selfish is all that they know. They want what they want and will do most anything to get it. I sure hope that she soon will understand what you guys are trieng to do for her. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I'm really sorry to hear this. Sometimes (often) I'm convinced that this world is insane. You're all in my prayers. Good luck!
I'll be praying for this young girl, you , your DH and everyone in between involved. Strength, love, and understanding to you all. God Bless!
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. But Nu Chicks is right sometimes at that age it is all about me. I know because I was a troubled teenager. I caused my parents alot of heartache and I cant make up for it today. All you can do is be there for her, You've done what you thought was best and hopefully at some point in the future she will come around but I would suggest counseling for you and your DH. Not that you've done anything wrong but having someone to talk to that is impartial while going through this can benefit you. I'd also check into what I have what in my yard suggested. Good Luck and I will keep you in my thoughts.