Lost a good friend and frustrated

[The Yakima Kid]

Well, I've just lost another friend for being judgmental.

She has a new boyfriend who I know all too well. She asked me about him, without telling me he was her new SO.

Some years ago he and a friend of his wished to embark on some questionable Asian tourism; I doubt I need to elaborate other than it involves extreme abuse of others.

I was shocked and appalled. I haven't been around him much since then.

She was angry that I was bothered by that, told me I am "judgmental" and suggested I was somehow slandering his character by bringing this up.

Unfortunately, just the thought of what the two of them planned to do makes me nauseous. I don't think he ever actually did so, but the casualness of the discussion of the matter left me very shaken.

I hate living in California. Seriously.

 

[BarredRockMom]

My Grandmother used to say "Never be sad that people show you who they really are. When you know who you're dealing with, you'll know how to deall." Or not deal with them, as the case may be. One of my favorites is "Ye shall know the tree by it's fruit." Seems that some of he disappointment & frustration you feel may be because you don't like rotten fruit. Frankly, even if she came back later and said you were right, I don't know how you'd get past her utter lack of character and questionable moral compass, seeing as how yours has remained intact.

 

[BarredRockMom]

Being in a new relationship blinds people. They don't want to see anything bad about the other person because the whole butterflies in your stomach phase is so much fun. My guess is that soon, his true colors will come out and she will see exactly how he is and once it is over between them she will probably come to you and say "you were right." I'm sorry that you lost a friend but you did a good think warning her about him.

Or, "There are none so blind as those who will not see," whether those 'new relationship butterflies' are there or not. The fact that she wasn't even remotely disturbed by what she heard, even if she'd discounted it, tells me that OP is better off without trash in their orbit.

And before anyone jumps in and says that I'm being judgemental & drops a "judge not lest ye be judged" quote on me, let me offer up that I don't care. If discernment allows me (or anyone else) to understand who & what I'm (they're) dealing with, NOT exercising judgement about the person & their beliefs in not only dangerous but foolhardy.

I'd rather stand before the throne of judgement because I judged someone as "stupid" or "trash" than have to explain why I allowed the trash & stupidity to permeate MY orbit when I was given the tools to know better AND TO DO BETTER but didn't.

You can hate the actions & attitudes without hating the actual person...but that doesn't mean that you are obligated to be around them.

 

[Quickster]

Being in a new relationship blinds people. They don't want to see anything bad about the other person because the whole butterflies in your stomach phase is so much fun. My guess is that soon, his true colors will come out and she will see exactly how he is and once it is over between them she will probably come to you and say "you were right." I'm sorry that you lost a friend but you did a good think warning her about him.

 

[The Yakima Kid]

Being in a new relationship blinds people. They don't want to see anything bad about the other person because the whole butterflies in your stomach phase is so much fun. My guess is that soon, his true colors will come out and she will see exactly how he is and once it is over between them she will probably come to you and say "you were right." I'm sorry that you lost a friend but you did a good think warning her about him.

I hope you're right. But I am still in shock at her reaction. She literally lectured me on how there was nothing wrong with doing such things.

 

[FridayYet]

Well I do agree that CA has its share of shallow people, that's for sure.

 

[cluckcluckgirl]

So is your friend calling you judgmental for bringing up an aspect of her SO? If you're just telling her something about him that she needs to know if she's going to jump into a relationship with him, there's nothing wrong with what you did. Yes, often times people can look at their SO with rose-colored glasses and they can also use denial or call you names because they just don't want to face the truth that such-and-such isn't perfect. Since what the SO did involves abuse of others, that's definitely something she should know about!

 

[The Yakima Kid]

And this has to do with the above ex-friend?................... There are jerks in every state.

It has to do with the fact that in the Bay Area criticizing any behavior is *judgmental.* Pedophilia, flashing, groping, it is all acceptable and no one but a judgmental narrow minded fanatic would fail to understand the deep values in a man's deep committed relationship with half a dozen ewes.

 

[The Yakima Kid]

Did you say she said there was nothing wrong wir What he did ?

Yes she did. He and another guy were going to go on pedophilia tour in Asia. I actually vomited because the only objection anyone other than my husband and I had was that it would really hurt his soon to be former wife.

It was like little kids are a consumable, discardable item and the fact that most of those kids never reach adulthood is no big deal.

It has been years and I still have my stomach turn when I think about their behavior.

 

[FridayYet]

I hate living in California. Seriously.

And this has to do with the above ex-friend?................... There are jerks in every state.