Marriage, Blended-Family, Special-Needs Kids, Farming (UPDATE)

[SourRoses]

From the things you've said... it sounds to me like your husband might very well be picking on your son just to hurt you.
Because thats all it is, picking. Theres nothing postitive to be gained in correcting the way a person carries groceries, or walks, or whatever else. Those comments sound like they are intended less to help and more to harm, either you or your son.

The mother in-law thing too. What better way for him to try to make you feel inadequate than force you towards someone who doesent approve of you? Or complain to you that you are not conforming to the image of his mother. That is a tried and true male manipulation technique.

In guessing that the 'revelation' about his mother disliking you, came from him... if it did... Have you talked with his mother to see if this is even true?

 

[redhen]

Quote:

 

[sheaviance1]

First, let me say that I have always been known for looking at things differently.

It seems that you expect your husband to work away from home all week long, and come home and be ready to do chores on the weekend.
It seems that your hubby expects you to do chores all day long, and then be intimate.
Sounds like you both are guilty of the same thing here to me. There isn't much of a difference, really. Right now, for you, intimacy is a chore. I would suggest finding a way to make all of the "chores" more enjoyable. I explained the whole grabby thing to my husband one time and told him that if he wanted "intimacy" his way in the evening, then he needed to make love to me my way all day long!

Your therapist needs to get to the point and quick with the whole seperation thing. You are, quite honestly, seperated during his work week, but only in the aspect of you are doing your thing, he is doing his thing and you are not doing "our thing". It's always hard to have a relationship deepen and grow with so much time apart. My hat is off to dedicated military wives, because they are the cream of the crop!

I would say it is definitely time to re-evaluate the farm. If you both are truly devoted to your marriage, and something is putting an undue stress on it, then it needs to be examined and dealt with. Which brings me back to the whole seperated thing, is it possible that he find a job closer to home or that you move closer to his work?

I have always been of the mindset that the marriage comes first. I have seen so many marriages crumble because of differences in parenting that it isn't even funny. However, it sounds like with your child, he will live with you for most, if not all, of your life. That changes things dramatically. It sounds like your hubby truly doesn't understand autism. Is that the case? Most people don't truly understand it, and cannot come to terms with it. When my youngest son was small, we had some major behavior problems out of him. We found out later that he was hypersensitive to any stimulant, caffeine, flashing lights, noises, etc. He would become very violent and have some very serious fits. I remember one time driving down the road, he took a big can of orange juice in the can and hurled it at the back of my head. Thank God for child safety locks, because he promptly got out of his carseat and tried to jump out of the moving vehicle. He was only 2-1/2. My husband came to me one time and just point blank told me, I don't know what to do with him, I don't understand it, and I want you to take over with him. Now, I could have gotten a bee in my bonnet and gotten all upset, but he was just being point blank honest with me about how he felt. So, I took over the care and discipline of our child. He took on more of the financial responsibility in our home so that I could leave work whenever i needed to and go do whatever I felt needed to be done with our child. We finally figured out what the problem was on our own. We had been to several doctors, neurologist, psychologist, etc. Once we figured it out, and my hubby understood what foods/situations to avoid, he was right back, and he is a wonderful Dad. I don't see anything wrong with him taking a step back and enabling me to work out a tortuous situation for both of us, and I am truly thankful that he was completely honest with me.

As for the home/farm, I'll explain how it works in our home. I am the one who wanted the chickens and rabbits. I feed, water, clean out coops/cages, etc. He helps me stretch fencing and build coops/barns etc. We both want the garden, he tills, we plant, we weed, we water, we can, we freeze. He is the avid catfisherman, but I help him catch bait, and paddle his cute self all over the lake setting lines, etc. He does all the prep work for that. We both love to camp, and we share equally in camp chores. Everything that we do, we do together, but the person who's hobby/interest it is, does the lion's share. I think that is only fair, because if it weren't for me, he wouldn't have "my stuff" in his life. We also don't oppose one another. I would love to have a milk-goat, and he has no interest at all. I will not go and get one and bring it home.

Men have their own form of menopause that they go through, most call it a mid-life crisis. My hubby is 9 years older than I am, and he has already been there, done that. I expect the same level of patience from him that I gave him when it is my turn, and have told him exactly that.

Being a step-parent is not easy. Does your son's bio-dad have any role in his life? I am a step-parent, and my hubby is step-parent to my older two children (i seriously almost typed chickens

). Step-parenting is different in each and every marriage.

 

[SillyChicken]

Confidentially from me to you, my marriage is in trouble. We had our first counseling session last night and I'm stunned at the conclusions the therapist said at the end. So ... I need your input.

First some background: I'm almost 50, have a 14 year old, and have been married for 4 years. I was a single mom for 10 years, struggling but making it on my own. My son is homeschooled and is special-needs: ADHD, OCD, has a math learning disability, is autistic and epilepsy. We have 2 acres, 4 adult goats, 4 newborn goat babies, and about 60 chicks/chickens. Soon to get a seizure response dog.

Question: who's needs are number one in your family: your spouse or your child(ren). I would say the family unit as a whole, however a special needs child does need extra attention. Don't forget to take care of your self too though!

Question: when a spouse comes into a ready-made family, should that new spouse (who's never had any parenting or long-term relationship experience) be expected to step in and be a 50% co-parent? When I married my DH, he had a 5 yr old daughter. While she was staying with us, we worked together to raise her. I felt that she was also now my daughter and I was just as responsible for her as he was. btw, she just graduated, cum laude even from college saturday! Could the fact that your son needs are different scare him off a bit? I would also wonder if the severity of your son's issues are so limiting that you shouldn't have higher expectations than just doing it is good enough. My nephew is autistic along with a few other issues, but my DS wouldn't allow his disability to determine his life, she and her DH was always pushing him to do more and more. He now holds a full time job, he drives his own car and he just bought a condo for himself. The kid is darn smart, and tries to use his autism as an excuse sometimes, and if you let him, he'll never know what he can or can't do. Sometimes when you're close to someone, it's hard to see these things. I do commend you though, raising a special needs child is challenging!

Question: when a spouse is away from the home, for the job, 5 days out of 7, is that considered a separation? Um, not really, but what is he doing while he's away, renting an apt, staying in a hotel, maintaining his own homestead? Does he have to stay away from home, or is that his choice? How does he view the relationship? Did he agree with the therapist?

Question: when you have a small farm with a garden, chickens and goats, and that spouse comes home on the weekend, is it ok for that spouse to expect 2 days of rest and relaxation and NOT do chores, maintenance or other farm-related things? I don't think he's exempt from doing them. Maybe you could split the chores, morning and evening. This is what we do, DH does the morning chores, I do the evening chores. When he's traveling for work, I have to do them all, but he resumes helping when he gets back, and that goes with yard, garden and inside work as well. Just cause he's gone, doesn't mean he should participate in the work that needs done.

Question: when there is more than one adult living on a farm/farmette, are the adults supposed to know what to do or is there a chore-list-maker? Shouldn't the adults just step up and do what needs to be done? I think a list would be helpful in your case. Your idea of what needs to be done, could be different from his, or the things he's been wanting to take care of, aren't on your list of things to do. Regardless, things need to get done. I'd sit down and have a talk with him. Talking things out is the only way to resolve the problems.

Question for you women who have hit menopause: when you have no desire because there's no hormones going and your husband acts like a petulant child, do you say "no sex" or just do it to avoid the inevitable argument? Mine has not existed for years, but I do what I can to make him happy, and me when/if I ever feel like it. I was on BC pills from age 16 to 40 yrs... it messed up any chance of a normal sex life. Now the historectomy has it's own set of issues. But I would also have to agree, being angry and resentful play a huge role in whether you desire your spouse. I would feel stuck if I were in your position. Stuck at home doing everything, stuck with a child that needs help, just stuck in the same old life that you hoped your DH would help save you from by helping out with everything and remove some of the burden.


I'm sure I have more questions but this'll do for now.

 

[sfw2]

I've bitten my tongue and tried to keep my opinion to myself, but, here goes:

1. As the wife of a retired Navy man, I can unequivocally tell you that you are NOT considered legally separated when your spouse is deployed.

2. It can be extremely hard for somebody from a dysfunctional family background to come in and step-parent a child, especially when parenting styles haven't been discussed prior to the marriage. Made that mistake, too.

3. If your husband considers you separated, perhaps he should just pack his crap, and move out of YOUR home. It honestly doesn't sound like you'd be any worse off, and at least you could then work out a legal separation agreement to protect you and your son. Just my opinion, for what it's worth . . .

to you and your son. I hope you can work this all out, one way or another.

 

[ChikeeMomma]

My hubby was never in the military, but he, at one time, worked construction that would take him away for the week. We never considered ourselves separated. My uncle was in the navy and he would be gone for months off to sea. I know my aunt and uncle never considered themselves separated.

I'd continue to talk with him. That's all you can do. When something is said, my hubby and I can take things very differently. For example, he'd ask me what my goal in 5 years was. Currently I'm a stay at home mom and I do his paperwork/secretarial work for his business (he's fully self-employed). I took that as meaning he's pressuring me to get a job in 5 years. I am not sure if that's what I want. I may go back to work, but not until my kids are in at least middle school and I might not. Not until we talked about it, did I understand that he just simply wanted to know what I'd thought I'd be doing in 5 years. My answer: most likely still at home and growing our little farm (I do the majority of the gardening/animal care and have a tiny side business with eggs and produce). And he was fine with that! It upset him because he thought I had no goals (he's a goal oriented guy) because I didn't even want to talk about it with him because I thought he was pressuring me to work. See how silly! We wouldn't have known if we would not have really talked it out.

There is a multitude of examples like this in any marriage. My hubby, too, can be guilty of thinking there are little fairies around that magically give him clean clothes, food, clean dishes, etc. He has to be reminded every now and again.

We do not have a step-parent situation, so I cannot really give any insight there. I have heard, though, that the two spouses really need to communicate and decide what the step-parent is comfy with and what the bio parent is comfy with and stick to it. When a step comes into a family and the children are small, I've heard it's usually easier than if the children are older.

Don't get me started on in-laws!!!

My parents are probably certifiably nuts! We have no relationship with them. His mother is the same, except she wants a relationship with us. I only do Christmas now with them (maybe and hour or two visit) and if they want to come and visit at our home that is fine. His parents only live a couple miles away, but we may only see them a handful of times throughout the year. He feels the same about his parents as I do. And I feel the same about mine as he does. If my hubby wanted to visit his parents that's fine (he doesn't), but he does not expect myself and the children to. In-laws can cause big fights.

I think some issues you are having are very normal. The problem begins when these normal issues are not dealt with correctly or dealt with at all. Keep talking it out. It's gonna be emotional because that's just the way it is. And, like I said, sometimes we are looking at the same thing and each of us see something completely different. We don't know what the other sees until we talk about it together. Hopefully, then you'll be able to comprimise, if need be (both bring something to the table) and sometimes it's just a simple clarification that's needed. Best wishes!

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
Being retired military, I can tell you that being deployed is not and never has meant being legally separated! He may be confusing it with advice given to military who are deploying who need to take care of legal matters before the deployment. Things like making sure that the spouse has necessary powers of attorney so that she (or he) can complete transactions that might normally require the signatures of both parties (selling or purchasing a house, for example), or setting up monetary allotments so that both the homefront and deployed person have money available.

Has your husband ever had a session with your son's therapist? It might be a good idea. I'm wondering if your son's diagnosis of never living independantly is scaring your husband? I know that I would find it frightening. I think you both need to be focusing on what will cause your child to grow and advance as much as possible--not talking about it as two different tracks, but rather about what he needs now and how that will change as he gains maturity and self-confidence.

I wasn't there to see how your son was holding the bag, but was your husband's concern that the bag might fall or break? Yesterday I was at the coffee shop when a dad admonished his young daughter to hold her cup of chocolate milk differently. She was literally holding it by the edge of the plastic lid--at a 45 degree angle. Sometimes the WAY one says something can cause it to come across totally differently, and he may need some coaching in HOW to to correct your son. "Hey, Bobby, thanks for helping bring in the groceries, but it sure would be a shame if the sack broke and the glass bottles fell and shattered...if you put your hand on the bottom to support the weight, it will keep that from happening." instead of "Bobby! Hold the sack on the bottom!"

Once upon a time my MIL did not like me at all. As she got to know me, that changed, and I know she both liked and loved me long before she died. As long as she treats you and your son well, take the step to spend time with her. Tell her about your son so that she understands why he is different than her expectations--let her get to know him better. If she did not treat you or him well, I would not say to spend time with her, but it sounds like she is, at the least, polite. Think about the comment that she does not like how you and your husband interact--try to honestly evaluate the interactions. I'm guessing that she sees hostility or arguing that you see in a different light--possibly as being direct and straightforward. The big question would be how your husband sees it?

 

[Spires6]

These are opinions from a person who's been married fr 25 years (I think every family and situation is different):

Question #1: If you want a good marriage your husband comes first but not at the expense or neglect of the children. You should come first to him also and if he is a good husband, he will put the needs of the kids before his own. Your relationship is probably complicated by the fact that you were a single parent for so long and are not used to having a partner participate in the parenting and further complicated by the fact that you have a special needs child. For years you have put your children first. I know a lot of people are saying children come first but you must have a strong loving marriage and be united to your spouse in order to be able to be good parents. Trust me, this comes in very handy when kids are ill or going through difficulty in the teen years. If the two of you are not united and in agreement on parenting issues, life becomes miserable when difficulties arise.

Question #2: It depends on the couple, the age of the kids and how comfortable both parent and step parent are with this. In most families I know, if the kids are older, the new stepparent usually eases into a parenting role over time.

Question #3: No. I think a separation is when you are not getting along and you decide to live in separate residences.

Question #4:I think he should have time for relaxation and fun but that he also should help out. A home and farm should never be the sole responsibility on one person regardless of who works and who stays home. An idea would be to make one day a work day and one day a family fun day. Or even half a day a work day and the rest for fun.

Question #5:In a perfect world everyone would just step in and do what needs done. The problem is that not everyone realizes or takes the initiative. In my family many things won't get done unless they are assigned to someone. If you want help, make a chore list. How is he gonna know what you want if you don't tell him.

Question # 6: I've not hit menopause yet, but there are days that I'm not in the mood or too tired. I usually go ahead and do it anyway (and like I mean it), unless I am too exhausted, ill or angry. I love him and am glad he still has those feelings for me after all of these years and I don't want him to think I don't feel that way about him (even if I don't at that particular moment).


Good luck. Find a counselor you like and stick with it. Counseling can make you fight more at first but usually helps in the long run. There have been times when we wondered if our marriage was over but we sucked it up and stuck it out and our love and our marriage has gotten better and better over the years. It truly is like a fine wine. I don't know what your religion or faith situation is but one thing I have heard which helps us it that you should love your spouse with the love of Christ. If you pray, pray for your marriage! It also helps to have a regular date night at least once a month with no kids and an occasional weekend or vacation away can do wonders.

P.S. I only read the original question and no other info when answering this.

 

[MyKidLuvsGreenEgz]

So much to answer to so if I forget something, please ask again. We sold a goat baby this morning and geez it was hard seeing that little one leave forever. I actually cried! Yeah, I know, I'm so soft-hearted.

Anyhoo...

It's not just that Hubby criticizes everything about my son. It's the how. Harsh tone of voice. The choice of words. Threatening body language. Thinking he's being kind but not hearing his angry tone and not seeing the scared look in my son's eyes. Or mine. No, he hasn't hit us, but he has put a hole in a wall.

His mother can be very nice and until Hubby told me she doesn't approve of me and doesn't like my son (about 3 weeks ago), I had no clue. (Yes, I **do** think he said that to hurt me.) She pretended very well, but looking back, I can see little indications. Now that I know, I can NOT pretend. I plan to follow the suggestion that someone on here made: if Hubby insists we go with him next time, then I'll insist the three of us adults sit down and air all of this out. My son can sit in the basement watching movies, while we do that. I'll nicely tell her (and him) that while her opinion is meant to support her son, it has no effect on our marriage, how we interact, and how we parent my son.

Hubby and I have our telephone date tonight to discuss basics. I will be suggested, strongly that we have three choices: (1) stop therapy and figure all this out ourselves (2) continue therapy with same idiot, I mean, woman, and hope we meet in a middle ground, or (3) request a different therapist, one skilled in conflict resolution, blended families, and special needs children. I'm gonna push hard for #3.

Did chore list this weekend. Wrote a bunch of things on little stickies and stuck them on a postboard divided into "to do" and "done". He added a few I hadn't thought of. We moved them from left to right as they got done. This might actually work.

Hubby did go to a couple of my son's therapy sessions. Last one was months ago, when therapist mentioned that Hubby's being gone during week and then coming back on weekends was an interruption. Therapist didn't mean it negatively (that the schedule is different and more relaxed with him home, with no schoolwork, and trips into town for errands and frozen yogurt). I didn't take it to mean a bad thing. Neither did son. But Hubby took it to mean that he might as well never come home again.

My expectations used to be high for my son. They are currently low, just getting through the diagnosis portion was rough. Now I'm working with therapists and doctors to find out what he is capable of, and we'll make a plan from that. Then I'll re-raise my expectations, taking everything into consideration.

Raising my son is exhausting. Daily meltdowns (some not bad, some leading to threats of suicide or threatening me with a knife or ice pick ... all sharp things are now locked up). Mentally challenging me by constantly asking same questions about his fixations (real tests of my patience). Always on seizure alert (listening and watching without him knowing).

Son's bio-dad never met son. Disappeared the minute I discovered I was pregnant. NO, take that back. Slipped me a drug to have me abort, THEN disappeared. Luckily, pregnancy went fine.

One of the schoolwork assignments I'm giving him this week is pretty basic: write what you want to do with your life, what kind of job would you like to do to earn money, do you like people, etc. Thing is, money and numbers have less meaning to him than a speck of dust. He doesn't get it at all (it's a math learning disability) so someone will always need to handle his money.

Hubby screwed up and forgot to submit the paperwork to enroll for the cafeteria plan (flexble spending account) this year. He also went ahead and had major dental work done even tho I asked him to get an estimate FIRST. Since I handle all the finances, I have a better picture of how much we could have afforded. (Not my fault: He just kept "forgetting" to pay bills). So when I asked him for ideas on how we can stretch our money more, he suggested living in his mom's basement for a while to save about $50 on gas a week.

I've suggested books on autism and OCD and seizures but he reads a few pages, here and there, and only takes the information that supports his stance. Like "see? it says 'don't treat them differently'" but he ignore the part about "to them directly, taking into account their special needs, desires and abilities". And the part where you don't tear them apart for doing something wrong.

Suggested parenting classes. Just plain ole parenting classes. Refuses.

Those of you who said I shouldn't expect him to do anything on weekends because he works during the week. Fine, you're entitled to your opinion, especially since I asked for it. But I don't rest on weekends either. Even watching TV I'm up doing something during commercials. I've requested that we get rid of the goats because they take up much of my time but have been emphatically told no. Even tho I do ALL the work. So, since **I** don't get to rest on weekends, and I'm not allowed to sell our goat herd, I really think Hubby should suck it up and do his part. Especially since the place is in his name alone. And especially since we equally wanted this place and all of the critters.

I'd LOVE to sleep to noon. Geez, I'd LOVE to sleep to dawn. I'm pretty much an insomniac. Kinda got a lot on my mind. But unlike Hubby, who can sleep until noon, 1, 2 or so with no guilt for not feeding the critters in the morning or wasting daylight, I just can't. I guess it comes down to responsibility. In my weird and horrible family, somehow I managed to learn responsibility, strength and independence. He didn't.

Guess that's it for now.

Again, thanks for all of the input. I'm making notes and trying to work on some the hot buttons that stick out to me.

 

[kara_leigh]

I haven't read any other responses, but I thought I'd post my replies to your questions.

Question: who's needs are number one in your family: your spouse or your child(ren).
Honestly, in normal every day life for me it is about 50/50. If it were to come down to an emergency or something along those lines, my child will come first as I would assume that my husband has big boy pants on and can take care of himself.

Question: when a spouse comes into a ready-made family, should that new spouse (who's never had any parenting or long-term relationship experience) be expected to step in and be a 50% co-parent
Yes. I agree with this 100%. If they don't know what to do, I would expect them to learn in a hurry.

Question: when a spouse is away from the home, for the job, 5 days out of 7, is that considered a separation?
I don't understand this question, sorry.

Question: when you have a small farm with a garden, chickens and goats, and that spouse comes home on the weekend, is it ok for that spouse to expect 2 days of rest and relaxation and NOT do chores, maintenance or other farm-related things?
Um, NOT okay whatsoever. This would not fly with me, sorry. My husband actually tries to pull this every once in a while, and I have to put him in his place, so to say.

Question: when there is more than one adult living on a farm/farmette, are the adults supposed to know what to do or is there a chore-list-maker? Shouldn't the adults just step up and do what needs to be done?
I usually have to tell my husband what chores/maintenance needs to be done, but I don't care as long as it gets done and I'm not expected to do it all and vice versa.

Question for you women who have hit menopause: when you have no desire because there's no hormones going and your husband acts like a petulant child, do you say "no sex" or just do it to avoid the inevitable argument?
I have not hit menopause yet, but if I had my choice I wouldn't have sex. I just don't like it anymore. For me, it's about 50/50 whether I say "no sex" or I just give in to avoid an argument.

Sorry you are having to go through this. (((hug)))