MIL rant...I know I shouldn't do it....

[bburn]

Quote:
I have started on the family and still have another one to get ahold of.

Pedicure? Haircut? Ah.....sounds good. But would rather spend the money at the farm store and get something for the chickens...lol.

Venting helps. Really. I can face her tomrrow. Can't talk to her today and won't. But tomorrow I can face her and let her know how I feel. She needs to hear it.

Many thanks to all for the understanding and suggestions!!! I love BYC!

 

[Godsgrl]

You've got a lot going on, wow. Would your MIL consider moving to a retirement community? She would still have her own apt, for privacy and everything, but meals, housework, meds, and everything would be overseen for her. They also have outings where she could go to the theater or shopping, what have you. It would really take the burden off of you, and life would be easier for your MIL as well. God bless you in whatever decision you have to make. My dh is gone a lot as well, and it is hard to deal with everything on your own.

 

[bburn]

Quote:
She is in Senior Housing. The van comes a couple of times a day and takes them to the center. She has only gone once when a lady that lives there took her. She could get involved if she wanted to. She is going to have to want to or simply stay inside her apartment by herself. We are working on home health care now...should have already happened and am trying to find out why it has not.

 

[Stacykins]

Wow, are your MIL and my grandmother related? If not, they are at least cut from the exact same piece of cloth. It took FOREVER to get her to move out of her six bedroom house that she and my grandpa (Papa) couldn't handle anymore. He was unable to walk up and down stairs, and their house was full of stairs. Plus, his Alzheimers was getting the best of him. My father and I moved her out and into a senior apartment that was fifteen minutes away instead of twelve HOURS away. He found his ultimate peace a few years ago.

Anyway, my grandmother is the most cynical, negative woman you could ever meet. Nothing is ever right, and never will be. She is also very emotionally dependent. Physically and mentally she is in GREAT shape, but she just sinks her hooks into you and drains you of all your happiness. My father is called upon to dote on her every whim and need. She has a car, but never drives anywhere anymore because she doesn't want to. But she refuses to let my Dad take it off her hands, even though he is getting her groceries, taking her to her 15 doctors (yes 15, she is a hypochondriac, very healthy yet any tiny ache or sniffle and she freaks), taking her shopping, etc. She will never use the very nice shuttle that takes people to the mall. I do it all when I am home, but I am in another state right now. I know he eventually put his foot down and said enough was enough. I am glad, because for his health, he needed to. I still take up the slack when I go home, but that woman is like a dementor from the Harry Potter series, she just makes it feel as if all the happiness in the world is gone.

You'll persevere, you are strong! Don't let you or your DH become drained because of her negativity. Don't let her get you down. I know it sucks, but you have to make a mental suit of armor against her mean comments, just ignore and brush them off. If it takes being a robot for the time to get her stuff done, then do it. Like with my grandma, I always hope she will change her ways, maybe your MIL will too when she realizes how she is acting.

 

[bburn]

Quote:
Oh, yes...they are one and the same. But I refuse to fall in where she wants me. When she said it did not matter if I came today I decided it did not. After all...that was what she said. I was aware that was not what she meant. But tomorrow.....I will stop by to get her to sign the paper and leave. Her daughter will be there later that day.....she can deal with her mean old self. I will be nice but I will leave. If she asks me why I did not come I will tell her exactly why......we need to all remember this for when we get old!!!!!

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
The thing is in her hometown she went the the Center most days. And where she lives is in Senior Housing and there is a van that comes everyday!! But she would have to get up and get ready. She will sleep sometimes until 11am. One of the ladies that lives there took her to the Center one day....and that is the only time she has been there. She WANTS us to come get her and take her places.

thanks.....what a whiner, right?

I am guessing that when she was in her own home, she KNEW the people at the Senior Center--likely she had formed friendships. Where she is now, she knows no one. And that will not likely change until someone goes out of their way to reach out to or for her. I would not be surprised if she is depressed. Think about it. One is and has been an indipendant adult able to make ones own choices and decisions, and then suddenly, someone else is making the choices and leaving her very little independance. I would certainly be bitter over that.

How about the next time you go there, you take her to the Senior Center to visit--call ahead to find out what activities they plan for what days, and pick a day and time that will be something that she is likely to enjoy. Stay with her for awhile, visiting and getting to know some of the other people and the staff. If she gets really involved, you can say, "MIL, you look like you're having fun! I'm gonna run get your prescriptions and a few errands while you're playing bridge. I'll be back in a couple of hours to pick you up. Is that okay?" She will probably say fine, and then do what you say you are going to do. But if she says, "No, I want to go with you," then let her. Keep taking her back to the senior center and eventually she will make friends and look forward to it. Somewhere along the way, have the van pick the both of you up to take you there and bring you home--this will show her that she can get there on her own.

As for the son who lives only 45 minutes away. Give him a call and say, "Look, your mom needs you. You need to visit her at least once a week for an hour or two, and it needs to be at a regularly scheduled time. I am overwhelmed and need help. What day works best for you? Maybe you can take her to dinner every Tuesday evening (or whatever day works. If she attended church before you moved her, try to reconnect her with a church of a similar denomination that is near her new home. Call and let the pastor know that she is having difficulty adjusting to her new home; would he have someone come visit and invite her to visit their church.

If she has regular prescriptions, see if you can get mail order perscriptions for her; usually less expensive, and once the initial prescription orders are set up, much easier for you to manage. Alternatively, lots of pharmacies have delivery services.

If you have grown kids who are capable of helping out, ask them to. Don't be ashamed to tell them you need help. That you know Grandma can be difficult, but maybe if everyone pitches in and helps, then no one will be overwhelmed. Chances are that as she makes friends and acquaintances, she will come to depend on your visits less and less.

Many, many

When DH gets home, tell him he owes you a spa day (or whatever else sounds relaxing and refreshing to you).

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
Oh, yes...they are one and the same. But I refuse to fall in where she wants me. When she said it did not matter if I came today I decided it did not. After all...that was what she said. I was aware that was not what she meant. But tomorrow.....I will stop by to get her to sign the paper and leave. Her daughter will be there later that day.....she can deal with her mean old self. I will be nice but I will leave. If she asks me why I did not come I will tell her exactly why......we need to all remember this for when we get old!!!!!

To both of you,
Was your MIL/grandmothere ALWAYS like this, or as she became old and unable to care for herself, did she become defensive about her home and being allowed to make her own choices? When her children were young, was she a loving mother who did all the things a mother should? Unless she has always been a mean, demanding person, she deserves RESPECT and CURTESY from her children and grandchildren. You KNEW she was not really meaning that you shouldn't come--so it was unkind to simply not show up. How difficult would a phone call saying, "MIL, I'm overwhelmed today, and yesterday you said you wouldn't mind if I didn't come. Let's reschedule for tomorrow." (or whatever the next day would be).

 

[Stacykins]

Sonoran Silkies, my grandmother has unfortunately always been like this. Which is why all four of her children escaped from her house at the earliest age possible, and only one (my father) has taken up the responsibility of ensuring her well being in her later years. I don't know how my Papa did it, living with her all these years, he must have been very good at tuning her out.

 

[geebs]

Take some GABA and some Vitamin B-12.... Both will help your mood.... even if you don't want to change your mood....It will help...You can't change the world but you can change how you feel about the world. It is tough... Been there done that... I know EXACTLY how you feel.. Just take care of yourself first and then you will have something to give. Hang in there... the time in life is short. Your place is secure... Remember to set an example for your children that you will want them to treat you nice when it is your turn.

Hang in there...

If you have arthritis... get some Curamin too.

 

[bburn]

Quote:
Oh, yes...they are one and the same. But I refuse to fall in where she wants me. When she said it did not matter if I came today I decided it did not. After all...that was what she said. I was aware that was not what she meant. But tomorrow.....I will stop by to get her to sign the paper and leave. Her daughter will be there later that day.....she can deal with her mean old self. I will be nice but I will leave. If she asks me why I did not come I will tell her exactly why......we need to all remember this for when we get old!!!!!

To both of you,
Was your MIL/grandmothere ALWAYS like this, or as she became old and unable to care for herself, did she become defensive about her home and being allowed to make her own choices? When her children were young, was she a loving mother who did all the things a mother should? Unless she has always been a mean, demanding person, she deserves RESPECT and CURTESY from her children and grandchildren. You KNEW she was not really meaning that you shouldn't come--so it was unkind to simply not show up. How difficult would a phone call saying, "MIL, I'm overwhelmed today, and yesterday you said you wouldn't mind if I didn't come. Let's reschedule for tomorrow." (or whatever the next day would be).

As far as I know she has always been mean. She is worse now. She did not have her kids half their life and farmed them out to anyone that would take them. She has not lived a good life. My DH is the only one of the kids that has actually helped her. She has alienated my stepkids by favoring her daughters kids for years...to the point of buying them gifts for Xmas and giving them to them in front of my step kids.....all years ago. Yes, she is depressed but more from not being able to go to the casino than anything. Honestly. But that does not mean that I am going to let her treat me badly.....I have been going three times a week and doing everything for her. Understand that I don't mind the doing.....but am not going to put up with the bad talking. She is worse to her daughter than she is to me. She says vile things to her own daughter. She is depressed and is taking meds for that. She feels sorry for herself. I understand that. She did not want to move here but that is not my problem it is my DH's problem. I am just the fill in while he is gone. And I will do everything that I need to do. But truthfully, it does not bother me as much what she says to me as much as what she says to the grandkids and her own daughter. I will get through this....have been through worse than this.....and this I can get away from when I want to. I just needed to vent.....