My 19-year-old came home at 5 a.m. - am I overreacting?

[Redfeathers]

I figure at that age they are adults. If you trust her let her be an adult. If you think she is doing something wrong, then talk to her about your concerns. I always tell my kids that I trust them until they give me a reason not to, once I have a reason not to, things around here will change... they know I mean it, so they tend to toe the line and not mess up their freedom...so far I have never had a single problem with them, they are good solid people with a healthy self esteem for themselves and they respect others. My 16 year old daughter has friends that are under tight control from their parents and they are the ones sneaking around and getting into trouble.

If your daughter is a good person with a good head on her shoulders then kudos to you for having done a good job in raising her.

 

[kinnip]

I'd talk to her before putting the kaibash on her social life. If she's working till that late, she's probably just going out with her coworkers who all maintain a nightshift lifestyle. Would you be upset if she went out with 9-5 coworkers after work? You can't keep her safe from drunk drivers at three in the afternoon either, so it's really just a matter of whether you trust her or not. My parents were very strict. I always had a curfew and they were uncompromising in their enforcement, because I was 'under their roof' even when at college. My reaction was to leave and not call for a year. Not the most considerate thing on my part, but I felt like I was up against a wall. That being said, congrats for being tolerant enough to let her keep a late night job.

 

[seismic wonder2]

After I left home for boot camp at 18 it was generally understood I was an adult on my own and didn't live at my Pop's house anymore. When I came home to visit for a few days I was in the house by 10:00 or I slept outside (unless I found um..."other arrangements") because that's when Pop went to bed and locked the door.

I would assume that's how it works your girl went away to college...Unless she is paying rent, then she gets her own key. Otherwise she is still your child and should have a curfue as a child should have.

Grow up, pay rent, move out and pay rent, or stay here and play by the rules. You don't get your cake and eat it too.
Better to learn about the real world NOW than when she's 30-two screaming kids-and a deadbeat husband-living in your basement.

"credit report dot com ba-by"

 

[mom'sfolly]

Talk first, find out what she is doing, and tell her your concerns. It may prevent the mother of all battles. She has been on her own for a year and the genie is out of the bottle. You cannot go back to treating her like a child, you will only alienate her. If she had been living under your rules the whole time it would be different. Yes, as a parent you will never stop worrying about her; but you might want to treat her like any other adult living in your household. If you would expect your brother/sister/mother home right after work, then you can expect your daughter home then as well.

But, she also has to realize that living at home comes with some limitations that would not be present some place else. She also should realize that a good guest, which is what she is now, does not make her hosts worry or impose on their good will. As a guest, she is also responsible for buying things like toiletries, offering to pay for groceries, and maintaining a clean space where she is staying.

Find a place where both of you can be comfortable, with both of you treating each other with the respect due to adults sharing the same living space.

 

[vicki2x2]

Our policy has always been, if you are going to be late or stay out all night, please have the courtesy to call, so I don't stay up worrying. We don't have a curfew once they graduate high school, but if you are going to be later than midnight, call and let us know before hand. We also still expect them to help out around the house, clean up after themselves, etc.

Our oldest moved out a few months after he graduated last year and stayed in an apartment with friends while going to college. Well, his lease is up in a few weeks and he wants to move back home because it is so expensive. Now that he has been on his own, our rules seem pretty reasonable considering the free rent!

 

[LuckysMom]

Well, when she got up this morning she said she had fallen asleep on her friend's couch. She sincerely apologized and promised not to come home so late again. So we shall see. She's a good kid so I won't come down too hard on her.
Thanks for all your advice!

 

[ChickenFanaticAB]

Well I see it kind of worked itself out in the end, but just my two cents...as a 20 year old girl going into my third year of college I can understand what she's going through. I'm a pretty good kid, not much partying, and I usually don't come home too late. I had a curfew in high school, and I always made it give or take a few minutes, or I would call if I was going to be late. I no longer have a curfew, but I don't particularly care to stay out much later than about two, and I usually come home quite a bit earlier. It's true that for people our age the night really doesn't start until about ten (when my friends are all off work/done with dinner, etc...) so it is reasonable to stay out until two or three. Five is pretty late (early?) to be out, but as long as she is keeping up with her job and being responsible, I don't think there is any need to worry. If nothing else, tell her to send you a text at two (or whenever you would like) to let you know when she thinks she will be home. That way if you are sleeping it won't necessarily wake you, but if you do wake up and are worried, you can just check your phone. I think that would be perfectly reasonable for a parent.

 

[wilds of pa]

Well sometimes they need to live and learn...However they are adults at that age and you can only hope you taught them well...I know how the tossing and turning can be..you must hope for the best and always tell them how you feel at the least..

Charlie

 

[SterlingAcres]

When I was 18 and living with my aunt and uncle, I had a 1am curfew. I needed to let them know by 10pm, if I'd be coming home after work. If I wasn't in by 1, I had to sleep somewhere else.

Worked for me. LOL Good luck

My brother's are that age now and they're complete monsters. No respect or responsibility for anything... Ugh.

 

[cjeanean]

When I was 17 and 18 I was out for months at a time, doing whatever I felt like doing. My mom never knew where I was, and because of the state law in Missouri (at 17 I'm a legal adult) she had no control over it. There were nights when I'd sit in the huge drainpipe over in this neighborhood we used to chill in, alone or with friends. I was a stupid kid. When a parent says that nothing good happens after 11pm, they are 100% correct, and it's very hard to find something decent to do after that time. If she's a good girl you'll just have to deal with it, and even if she's a bad girl you have no way of really knowing. At 19 you're kinda stuck, you can make and enforce a curfew (which is an excellent idea, in my opinion) or you can just let her do whatever. My mom still calls at 3am wondering if I'm okay (I'm 22, married for 2 yrs, etc) because she's mommy and that's her job!