My 19-year-old came home at 5 a.m. - am I overreacting?

[2 Beauts]

If you're the one paying for college, it's your rules no matter what. If she's not paying rent, there should still be a matter of respectable guidlines. If you've talked and agreed to a decent time to come home and she doesn't call to say she's going to be late, I'd toss a sleeping bag on the porch and lock the door.

 

[whitecra]

I don't think you are overreacting at all. Just let her know that you can't sleep until she gets home because you worry about her. It is your house and it should be your rules that she follows when she is there.
Chris

 

[Aun <HIS><]

1) My house. My rules.

2) Nothing good happens after 11

3) Being an adult does not mean being equal. Unless you pay half the mortgage.

4) I didn't spend my entire adult life protecting you, for you to screw it all up on my watch. At college, you're not on my watch.

5) Even though you're young and don't need sleep, I'm old and must get a good night's rest. Anything that messes that up will cause you severe anguish in direct proportion to my grumpiness from said lack of sleep.

6) You being up late at home, making all kinds of noise, watching tv, cooking at 2 am, doesn't keep me awake. You not being home when you're supposed to be does keep me awake.

6) I'm not paying for your cell phone so that you can have a social life. That is just a nice perk that comes with it's real function, which is to call in case you have an emergency that will cause you to be late. If you don't use it for it's real function, you won't have it for the perks.

7) You may be an adult, legally, at age 18. It is a scientific fact that your brain does not complete it's development, providing you with full adult judgement, until you are around 24 years old. I sure hope it comes earlier for you.

8) Anyone can be your friend, but you only get one mother. As long as you demonstrate that you are not quite an adult by your attitudes and actions, I will continue to mother you. When you actually are an adult, demonstrated by your attitudes and actions, then we can be friends.

9) I have no problem "letting go." I want to go back to having "time" with my husband anywhere and anytime we want. And belieeeeve me. He just wants to be able to walk around naked.

10) Have you ever played tug-of-war with someone that either wins or loses and then just lets go before you're ready? That's how I broke my nose when I was 8! She let go. She fell, I fell, and my grasped hands around the rope shot back and punched me in the nose. I can't let you go until you're ready without you falling and probably getting hurt. And if you let go before you're really an adult, that's your choice, but understand that you'll probably hurt yourself, and you'll probably break my nose. Or at the very least, I'll get my nose out of joint.

11) You have become an amazing, talented, respectable, beautiful, kind, wonderful young woman. I love you and I'm proud of you. And I obviously have done a great job raising you.

 

[silkiechicken]

My parents got me the car when I was like 17 or so... and out I went. Never had a time I needed to be home but usually made it back by 2 or so. However, I let them know where I was and if I was coming home or not. When I got home I shut off the front lights so they'd know if they woke up if I was back or not. Depends on the kid really. If you trust her, let her be, if you suspect something up, then lay down the law. But who am I to say. I'm still a kid.

 

[Guitartists]

I agree... your house, your rules! Regardless of the age.

 

[Royicus]

No, you aren't overreacting. Nothing good happens that late at night. I didn't realize this at first when I was younger, but it finally hit me when I turned about 21 or 22.

I was out with silkiechicken one night and got back at 12:01am, my curfew was 12:00am. I got home, and the next morning my dad took the car keys from me. I understood and accepted it, even though I didn't agree with it at the time. Luckily enough, since I didn't try to skirt around not having a car (just stayed home, did chores, etc), they gave it back after a few days.

In hindsight, they did the right thing. I now call it a night around 10:30 or so, I'm much more awake driving back, and there are less drunks on the road. It also just feels better. I think when you are young, social pressures and considerations seem most important. When you get older, safety comes into play. What is this age? Who knows, it's different for different people.

So as long as they live under your roof, your rules, like everyone has said. Good on you for caring about your child

 

[moodusnewchick]

I think this post is causing over-reaction if the conversation has not been held. If the 19yr old has no idea what stress she is causing, it is unrealistic to impose "my way or the highway" mentality. As an adult who is old enough to enlist and fight for this country, she deserves a conversation. If she becomes defensive and bratty, and refuses to understand the parental stress of not sleeping until your child is in the home, well then that's another story. If she really is winding down after work, she can explain that. Whatever is going on, she does need a reason and a known place of where she is going. I'm sure she has a cell phone, but I would still sleep better knowing who's house she's going to or what parking lot they're sitting at while they wind down from work. Please talk to her.

 

[Chickerdoodle13]

I can't say I've ever had a curfew, other than the one my "cinderella" license imposed on me, but my parents trusted me. Even though I got home a few nights later than 12, they were fine with it, though I did always call to say I would be late.

I am in college now, and my friends and I have some crazy hours. I can definitely understand where she is coming from, but I have to agree with some of the others - sit down and talk with her. Maybe you could ask her to call if she will be out late, or to call when she gets out of work. I know I would be pretty upset if my parents just up and gave me a curfew for the few months I am home. I have always been responsible and I hope they see me as an adult.

(I guess I should mention that the only nights I am usually out late are the ones when I am doing something with the ambulance corps. My parents can't be too worried when I am surrounded by fellow EMTs and Policemen!)

 

[Three Cedars Silkies]

OK...this is a good one for me because I have a 20 year old. Very responsible, Army Reserves, job, 3.8 college student. However, she understands that, for HER safety, she needs to let someone know where she is and about when she'll be home. There's no curfew...she can come and go as she pleases. But the thought of laying in a ditch somewhere and no one knowing where she is or if she's even missing caused her to agree to let someone know her whereabouts.

Now she's bought her own home, but she still calls and lets someone know that she's home and safe.

 

[luvmychicknkids]

Being an adult does not mean being equal. Unless you pay half the mortgage.

OUCH!!!!! As a housewife, I just got knocked down to child status by that rule!

Sounds like you have a good kid. I would just work on the "let me know if you will be out late" thing and let her choose her own hours. As someone mentioned earlier, now is the time to start learning to be her friend.

Sounds like you have done a great job so far.

Oh, and just for the record, I really dread the day when my kids are grown and I have to go through this.

OK...this is a good one for me because I have a 20 year old. Very responsible, Army Reserves, job, 3.8 college student. However, she understands that, for HER safety, she needs to let someone know where she is and about when she'll be home. There's no curfew...she can come and go as she pleases. But the thought of laying in a ditch somewhere and no one knowing where she is or if she's even missing caused her to agree to let someone know her whereabouts.

Now she's bought her own home, but she still calls and lets someone know that she's home and safe.

This is an excellent point. Even my mother and my father call to let ME know if they plan to be out late. Just a safety precaution and keeps people from having to worry. And I am pretty sure my Mom and Dad are beyond the age of having a curfew.