My DDs is being bullied and being a bully! Help!?

[Buff Hooligans]

I have WHAT in my yard? :

smacking the snot out of those girls in her class is out.

For you maybe. I'll do it for you.​

 

[chickensducks&agoose]

Quote:
For you maybe. I'll do it for you.

I like this a lot!

 

[PineappleMama]

Quote:
We've never experienced structured recess... PE yes, that's a class, but recess they go out and they do what they do. In Elementary, my days and now, there's climby stuff and swings and fields and balls... or you can stand to the side and jabber... It's the same number of students to teachers as in the class, but it's spread over a much bigger area... more area for the teachers to watch, thus less supervision... I see what you mean there. Of course making every kid play dodgeball in their "free time" when they really hate dodgeball seems kind of severe too. I guess either way kids could end up with a ball to the face. Man, how to get a happy medium on that one?

Dressing stuff was embarassing, just 'cuz I'm weird that way, but there wasn't any bad stuff going on... one we didn't have time, but two our coaches offices were right there in the dressing room (girl coach) so any bullying would have had to been REALLY quiet... woman had ears like a bat. But I guess in locker rooms that don't have supervision that could be really horrible. I will now go add that to my list of why HSing rules over PS.

Your kiddo's situation sounds real similar to mine... I didn't ban it, but I didn't encourage either and eventually he saw... of course, we adults are prone to that too. Stop by Boyd's topic for an example of that.

I just have never been able to wrap my head around that kind of meanness... I mean WHY?! Even as a kid I didn't get it. You wouldn't want someone being a jerk to you, so don't do it to someone else. Pretty simple really. And yet there were those jerks that just kept on... and there's this generation of them too. Try and teach mine the 'golden rule'... mostly think I'm doing okay on that front, though some days...

just wish all the other parents would do the same ... for that matter just the adults seeing that THEY observe it would be great. Meh, such is life.

 

[rodriguezpoultry]

I have read some but not all of the replies. I was "that" girl. The socially awkward girl who got along with everyone until they turned into "those" girls with the popular crowds. I SO wanted to be in the popular crowds. I became anorexic and made myself sick out of nerves and doing something that would cause my "friends" to turn on me.

At one point, rocks were thrown at me by girls that I had gone to church with and was in youth group with. I finally faced the fact that I was different.

I went to a psychiatrist, but I don't remember it helping very much, other than fixing the nerves issues.

I do know that I got myself a dog. I told my dog everything. He helped me through some serious mental issues. I also wrote in a journal. It was my place to vent to the world. Get her one and do NOT look at it. It will scare you. It will scare her once she's past this point in her life. I didn't realize it, but I was writing things that could be seen as suicidal.

Here's the thing that really caused me to change. I couldn't change the people at my school, but I could change schools. We moved to a BIGGER school system. There were so many more people with so many different interests and so many more groups! Everyone fit in somewhere and most people fit in everywhere! It was like night and day. Whereas I was hated and detested at one school, I was asked to participate in everything at the new school. I'll admit, I thought they were making fun of me and waiting to see me fail and I was very, very rude to some of them. Then I realized that they truly wanted to include me.

I got some "friends" (who I'll admit were not all that great for me, but still helped me deal with some issues that are encountered every day in my adult life) and my whole outlook changed. When I look back on my journals, you can literally see the huge change.

I realize this may not be the answer for your child, but if there is a larger school, I highly encourage you to consider it. 5th grade thru 7th grade was my most awful time of my life. I have tried to completely block out that part of my life and I still shudder to think what might have happened had I not switched to a larger school.

 

[harleyhappy]

IHWIMY, I am sure there is more going on than what you described in your original post. However based on what you described in your posts, it doesn't sound like bullying to me, it sounds like the other girl did not want to be your daughters friend. That is legit.

I have WHAT in my yard? :

And PM?

But trying to force someone to be your friend just doesn't work. And that sounds like maybe what DD has been doing. For a month? it's been clear she wasn't welcome in that little circle and yet she keeps on walking into it. While those snotty ones absolutely don't have to be jerks about it, they also shouldn't be forced to hang out with someone they, for whatever reason, don't like. They'll have to deal with that when older, lab partners in school, same school team, later in their job. That's work stuff... teaching them now that they HAVE to include someone in their personal lives that they don't want to isn't a good idea.

This is mean, and doesn't apply to kids this age, or a classroom. They are all forced to hang out with each other in a classroom all day no matter what. It is just like work and to pretend it is not is not helpful. Snotty ones need to learn to cope with having to deal with people whose social skills (or social status) may not be up to their standards.​

I agree with PM that forcing someone to be your friend won't work. I also think it is a very bad thing to tell children that they can't choose who to be friends with. How would you feel if someone made you be friends with everyone you were friends with for a few months in fifth grade? How would you feel if you were forced to have a relationship with every guy you've ever dated? Even the really awful ones? Doesn't that validate stalking? Friendship is a privilege not a right.

Every story has two sides, have you thought about how odd some of your daughters behaviors may seem to the other girl? Do you know what the other girl might be telling her parents? Maybe she is being a "mean girl", but maybe there is another side to the story.

Now a confession: I was a very awkward kid! I had a hard time making friends, elementary school was very difficult so me. I had to learn how earn friends, somehow it became a lot easier around high school. Some kids just aren't very good with a certain time, but outgrow the awkwardness.

You know your daughter is lagging in her social skills, and helping her is the only thing you can do. You can not change the other kids behavior and I wouldn't dwell on it too much with your daughter. Focus on the things that you can do something about. I agree with rodriguezpoultry that getting a dog or changing schools might help.

Good Luck!​

 

[caspernc]

OK. I'm just going to throw this out there. Its kind of different. MY DAUGHTER is/was one of those, who people stop and say, "You are SO BEAUTIFUL!" It has happened since she could sit up in the shopping cart. And, not that she is mine, she looks NOTHING LIKE ME, I'm 5'11" and dark. My Emmy is 5'4" and is a size 4 with blonde hair, blue eyed and just stuning. (did not have an affair) BUT her shyness made her life a misery. She could not talk to her new teacher without crying for two months into the year. At 8 years old I found a place that I would love to tell you about but I don't know if I can tell you the name with out BYC permission. ANY how the transformation was total!!! She won 2001 BEST NEW TALENT MODELING in Los Angles. Where did this kid come from! She did commercals for Sony and Barbie, it changed her, but she still has set backs. She carries with her a framed page from her self enprovement class. The teacher was amazing! And maybe it wasn't the place she went but someone outside her life saying, "Hey your life isn't school, but what you want it to be!" "You are all you want!"
I saw a young girl come in there in goth clothing and in six months she was the most outgoing happy kid I had ever seen. Her Mom was SSSOOO happy. She just wanted a kid who she could talk to. Even just some of the time.
We just had my daughters wedding at the house in the back yard and it was so easy to plan. We talked and had the best time. PM me and I will tell you what we did to to help my Emmy. It doesn't work for everyone but it did for Em.
She was bullied in high school, and she knew who to go to at that moment to get help. Her boyfriend and now husband did get expelled at the time. I totoaly disagreed with an voiced my opinion at the time. He stopped the bully from attacking her so she could run for help. But the no tolerance #$#%^ made him get suspended for one day! All he did was to put his hands up to stop the girl but he touched her. You can't touch someone even in self defence. you have to cover your head and hope the teacher is looking. There were two teachers in the gym at the time of all this and they didn't see a thing! Right!

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
We've never experienced structured recess... PE yes, that's a class, but recess they go out and they do what they do. In Elementary, my days and now, there's climby stuff and swings and fields and balls... or you can stand to the side and jabber... It's the same number of students to teachers as in the class, but it's spread over a much bigger area... more area for the teachers to watch, thus less supervision... I see what you mean there. Of course making every kid play dodgeball in their "free time" when they really hate dodgeball seems kind of severe too. I guess either way kids could end up with a ball to the face. Man, how to get a happy medium on that one?

Dressing stuff was embarassing, just 'cuz I'm weird that way, but there wasn't any bad stuff going on... one we didn't have time, but two our coaches offices were right there in the dressing room (girl coach) so any bullying would have had to been REALLY quiet... woman had ears like a bat. But I guess in locker rooms that don't have supervision that could be really horrible. I will now go add that to my list of why HSing rules over PS.

Your kiddo's situation sounds real similar to mine... I didn't ban it, but I didn't encourage either and eventually he saw... of course, we adults are prone to that too. Stop by Boyd's topic for an example of that.

I just have never been able to wrap my head around that kind of meanness... I mean WHY?! Even as a kid I didn't get it. You wouldn't want someone being a jerk to you, so don't do it to someone else. Pretty simple really. And yet there were those jerks that just kept on... and there's this generation of them too. Try and teach mine the 'golden rule'... mostly think I'm doing okay on that front, though some days...

just wish all the other parents would do the same ... for that matter just the adults seeing that THEY observe it would be great. Meh, such is life.

When I was in elementary school we did not have recess. The only free time was during lunch. After you finished eating, you could go outside to play until the bell. During the day we had indoor and outdoor PE (two separate classes; usually not both every day), and most time the activities were structured. Occasionally there were free-choice days, but usually few enough it was not an issue. Indoor PE had benches lined up around the room, and we played various group games. Everything from charades to various forms of team tag, to redl light green light to ... Outdoors we usually played kickball, soccer, softball, tetherball or 4 square. Boys and girls were usually separated; always for field sports.
We never had locker room problems, but my younger son did. Stupid coach was not IN the locker room supervising. I transferred him out and into another class the day after another kid was stuffed into a trash can. THere were a LOT of parents who complained about the lack of supervision in there before they finally did something about it.

 

[Intheswamp]

My wee granddaughter will be 4 in January and is a tad shy of 30 pounds. Feisty, but little. I'm afraid when she gets into pre-k and beyond that she might be subject to bullying which could change her wonderful personality (she just went to a birthday party for the residents at our local nursing home and she was the "hostess with the mostest"...they loved her!!

. Anyhow I looked around a little and ended up ordering this book from Amazon...it just arrived and I've only had a chance to flip through a couple of pages but it looks readable. I'm not sure if it will be something you could use, but it might be worth looking into.

Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades

Best wishes,
Ed