My DDs is being bullied and being a bully! Help!?

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

My 10 yo Dd has always been somewhat socially awkward. She has never made friends easily and when she does sometimes she gets overly clingy to them until she smothers them. Then they run and it breaks her heart making her even clingier the next time.

5th grade has been a horror. Last year she became very good friends with a new girl who seemed just as into her. We had tons of playdates, she slept over etc.... At summers end she was swearing that my DD was her best friend over.

Sometime over the last month or so she changed her mind. She began haning around with another girl and they started the whole giggling together and pointing at her. Then she would say things like, "I think we would be better off if we each had other friends." Pretty sophisticated talk for ten don't you think??

I saw them today at a festival at school. I smiled and waved and the girl gave me a totally dismissive hand flap. I said, "Oh, DD is over there." The girl looked at me in that look only snotty girls can give and said, "Whatever." I was really stunned. I am pretty sure her mother would kill her if she knew. Later I saw DD go up to them and the two girls give her that smirk head shake look and hold up a hand in her face. It was all I could do..... Y'know?

But, now she is handling it well at school only to come home and bully the daylights out of her little sister! She sang a song at her about how annoying she was and then locked her out of the house.

What do I do? clearly smacking the snot out of those girls in her class is out.

What else??

 

[Three Cedars Silkies]

Does your daughter have difficulty "reading" other kids non-verbal cues? My niece has Aspberger's and was much like this in elementary and middle school. Unfortunately, it is probably something that you will have to live with...as far as the other girl. You certainly can stop any bullying at home, if it's truly bullying. Siblings always say some mean stuff to each other and though I don't like it, I'm not sure that you can change it. I believe that unless there is some serious stuff going on, it's best to let kids work stuff out among themselves.

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

I think she does have difficulty reading them, but she's not Aspergers. But, she is very high IQ with the added burden of severe dyslexia.... Makes life hard for ehr and she doesn't see the world quite the same way others do. I keep telling her she is like DaVinci and Einstien. Sometimes it is those who do not see the world the same way the rest of us do that can solve the problems we get ourselves into!

Good stuff, but when you're only ten and want friends it doesn't mean much.

 

[sunnychooks]

If she is shy in social situations perhaps an outside activity where she can gain some confidence will help. If she can develop a skill or knowledge she may be more "interesting" to other kids and she will gain experience talking with them. It's just like us talking about chickens! If she is truly into something you might not be able to shut her up!!!

It will also give her a chance to expand her circle of friends with kids who have common interests.

 

[BloominOrchid]

Does she have a councilor at school? Our school is "no place for hate" and they take bulling very very seriously.
Maybe a note or email into school would help? So school is aware of the problem and can address it at school. Girl are so snotty at this age!
I think you and DD should have a talk too, some mom & daughter time to talk about her situation at school and then address how that makes her feel...and how does she think her sister feels when she does it to her.
I was oldest of 4, and I could torment my siblings till the end of the day, But so help the person that thought they could tees my siblings

 

[Dunkopf]

It can be heartbreaking watching your kids suffer like that. Wish I could give you some input. Girls have their own special brand of cruelty. Boys are usually use physical intimidation instead of mental cruelty.

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

She loves talking about her chickens! And she has made sort of friends when kids have asked to come over to see them and play in our yard .....

She is also involved in Scouts. We are all involved, but even there she is not well accepted and sometimes ostracized. Since I myself, am not socially adept, even when watching her I cannot perceive what she is doing "wrong". I do know some of the girls in her class are starting to "develop" and she is still very much a kid. She wants to be playing and still likes dolls and princesses which is just not cool any more.....

 

[BloominOrchid]

wish you were closer to philli! my DD is he same age.
She loves her chickens dolls and still wants to be a princess too.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Perhaps try to involve her in activities that have a range of ages involved. Also, are there any multi-grade classes at her school? Perhaps you can ask for her to be changed so that she is at the older limit, which will give her more access to kids who are still into dolls and princesses. Does your school have classes that are specifically for gifted kids (as compared with a pull-out program)? That might be another idea; a lot (certainly not all) gifted kids are socially awkward.

In any case, alert her teacher, who can hopefully catch the ex-friend and her cohort and administer appropriate discipline for their behavior.

At home, you need to provide opportunities for your kids to WANT to be nice to each other, and also set the boundaries of unacceptible behavior and consequences. One of the most positive reinforcements I have ever seen was in my elder son's 2nd grade classroom. At the end of each day, the teacher picked several students to name something nice done by another student that day. These named kids would get a ticket, which was put into a tub for an end of the month drawing. The nicer you were, the more likely you would be mentioned by a classmate. At the end of the month, the teacher drew 5 names and had a special lunch in the classroom with them the next day; they would bring their lunch, but she provided homemade treats, and made it a kind of mini-party.

 

[Cindiloohoo]

Kids her age need SOOOO much behavioral modification. My DD was a "mean girl" at that age. I MADE her apologize several times, and never made her play with girls she did not want to play with, but I DID encourage her to be nice to everyone. By encouraged, I mean took her things away/punished her if she was mean, short, rude, disrespectful, or snotty to anyone. I don't play that game of "if I see them do it, they'll be punished" either..if I so much as heard she was ugly to another child, her little tail got it when she got home. She(age 7 mind you) once told a little girl on the bus(older DD snitched her out) she "wasn't pretty" because my DD had done better than her in the school pageant.

I marched her little tail to that girls house and told her parents what DD said, made her apologize to the parents and the girl right there. She outgrew those phases rather quickly because she had motivation. It's the parents place to teach those girls and I would call the parents and sort this out. ALL girls that age can be that way, as you noted, she has been to her sister as well. They have to know it is not a proper or acceptable way to treat others. That only happens when the adults show them it won't be tolerated. I'm sorry you are going through this. If she started displaying the bullying behavior too...ya gotta know it's because of the other girls setting that example and getting away with it. I would not tolerate it for one second. You can't control the others, or their parents responses, but you can sure make her apologize to sis for being the same way. I feel for you...it's a tough age!!