My DDs is being bullied and being a bully! Help!?

[Break an Egg]

Let your DD know that first off, real friends will not act like that. If it was me, I would tell my daughter to ignore someone who treats her like that. As far as her bullying her little sis, she is having a hard time, but it's not excusable.

I would just sit her down and explain to her that she doesn't want to be friends with that girl, because that girl is not a real friend, and that she still needs to treat her sis with love, the way she wants to be treated.

 

[Lorije1]

Visit a martial arts school.... a good one will tell you they can help your daughter with "bullying" by intelligence and integrity rather than physical confrontation. A good martial arts school will build her confidence in leaps and bounds.

I was an instructor for 3 years before health issues sidelined me. It is an amazing thing to watch kids go from so shy they cry walking onto the floor to being "mentors" themselves. Most schools also have several special events for kids, we did quarterly lock-ins.

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

Things we have done so far:

1.) Teacher knows, she just wasn't sure how mean the other kids got.

2.) DD has been to see the school counselor, we are now seeking a private counselor

3.) We have had many many many discussions about do's and don'ts - that there are people we call "frenemies" . This is what these girls are doing to DD. It isn't that they don't want to be around her. It is that they act like they are her friends until they need a scapegoat or some one to pick on. Girls this age are subtle and incredibly mean. They keep trying to give her "fashion tips" to "help" her so she won't dress like a dork..... She likes Pooh and Disney stuff and we cannot afford to buy all of her clothes at Abercrombie and Fitch and I wouldn't if we could.

4.) The first scout troop she was in was worse than the classroom. We complained to council and a new leader was put in. Things improved - some. She won't play team sports. She hates them. I am trying to get her into running as it is something she is very good at, but they don't have track at this level. Next year....

5.) It has been made very clear to her that bullying her sister is NOT acceptable. We generally try to use the Siblings Without Rivalry method. Bullying is not acceptable at home and will not be tolerated. Bullies in our house get to split wood, carry or stack wood.

She too has been told she was going to go to hell for not believing what other people believe. But, dagnabit, what these girls are doing doesn't look like any christianity I have ever seen.

And PM?

But trying to force someone to be your friend just doesn't work. And that sounds like maybe what DD has been doing. For a month? it's been clear she wasn't welcome in that little circle and yet she keeps on walking into it. While those snotty ones absolutely don't have to be jerks about it, they also shouldn't be forced to hang out with someone they, for whatever reason, don't like. They'll have to deal with that when older, lab partners in school, same school team, later in their job. That's work stuff... teaching them now that they HAVE to include someone in their personal lives that they don't want to isn't a good idea.

This is mean, and doesn't apply to kids this age, or a classroom. They are all forced to hang out with each other in a classroom all day no matter what. It is just like work and to pretend it is not is not helpful. Snotty ones need to learn to cope with having to deal with people whose social skills (or social status) may not be up to their standards. You cannot try to force some one to be your friend, but when they act like your friend and then treat you badly anyone would be confused and hurt. Of course she kept seeking them out, she still has her half of the BFF bracelet the one girl gave her...... Yes, she is probably not reading their nonverbals well, but that does not excuse them.​

 

[Mattemma]

HUGS for you and dd. It was easier to deal with the physical bullying. My dd has had a *touch* of the girly stuff and it is so mild yet so much more hurtful.

I had my dd wearing *kids* cloths.Thankfully clothing status does not seem to be an issue at the Montessori school. Try some local resale shops. I have gotten name brand stuff there for $1.Amazes me people pay $15 for a t shirt! Just glad she is not into the slut cloths.

Frenimes(sp) seems to be very popular.That and BF/GF talk at such a young age.Poor kids really have to work hard to blend in to the acceptables of their peers.

Try a variety of outlets.We did and although nothing has clicked I am still glad we gave the classes and clubs a try.Never will know till you try.

As for religion I just tell the kids each family believes a certain religion,and some might feel very strongly about their choice being the only good one.I tell them it is better to just smile and say," I'd rather not talk about religion." and move on to something fun.

 

[newfoundland]

Wearing school uniform stops all this teasing over unfashionable clothes. This is why I was always so grateful it. That and the time saved by teenagers not having to decide what to wear in the morning!

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

Quote:
I really wish this school had uniforms! Ugh! I buy most of her clothes at the consignment shops that have name brand stuff but lots cheaper. But, this is a very wealthy neighborhood and we are not....

I proposed uniforms a year ago to the school board. There are alot of kids way more disadvantaged than mine here, they're just not the majority.

One mother said that uniforms would "stifle their creative self expression and is antithesis to the very ideas of freedom of speech as clothes express who you are!" Her daughter is definitely a queen bee, mean as can be.....

 

[PineappleMama]

I have WHAT in my yard? :

And PM?

But trying to force someone to be your friend just doesn't work. And that sounds like maybe what DD has been doing. For a month? it's been clear she wasn't welcome in that little circle and yet she keeps on walking into it. While those snotty ones absolutely don't have to be jerks about it, they also shouldn't be forced to hang out with someone they, for whatever reason, don't like. They'll have to deal with that when older, lab partners in school, same school team, later in their job. That's work stuff... teaching them now that they HAVE to include someone in their personal lives that they don't want to isn't a good idea.

This is mean, and doesn't apply to kids this age, or a classroom. They are all forced to hang out with each other in a classroom all day no matter what. It is just like work and to pretend it is not is not helpful. Snotty ones need to learn to cope with having to deal with people whose social skills (or social status) may not be up to their standards. You cannot try to force some one to be your friend, but when they act like your friend and then treat you badly anyone would be confused and hurt. Of course she kept seeking them out, she still has her half of the BFF bracelet the one girl gave her...... Yes, she is probably not reading their nonverbals well, but that does not excuse them.​

The very first thing I said in my post was that everyone needed a lesson in manners. And at least once more I mentioned they needed it, and I referred to them as snots myself... I'm not saying they don't need correction... they do, as mentioned repeatedly. Better a teacher/parent now then a really peeved classmate later who just breaks their nose. For THEIR sake I hope the teacher or their parents step up and help them learn how to act right.

Because, as you and I both said, they will be thrown together with all sorts of people in their school/work lives... but I still do not believe that you should force anyone to do anything in their personal life. Control class seating, but recess is their choice of tag, giggling gossip, swings... etc.

Has your boss ever sent his secretary over to your house with orders to 'hang out'... prolly not. YOU may have invited her, your choice, but I doubt you'd be too thrilled with your boss ordering you to hang out with someone on your own time. And I doubt you would be ordered to crash that secretary's dinner party either. Personal stuff is personal stuff. Just saying that I hope the teacher/you parents don't try and force these kids on each other. You said that for a month they've made it clear they aren't interested, maybe tell her to take a month off, leave them totally alone, and see if that works? Maybe it's just a case of burnout? Or, you said she was new? Maybe your DD was her only friend until this one came along? Might be that she's thrilled to finally have made another friend? Also possible that it's the new friend that has issues with your DD and has made this girl choose "her or me" which in my experience someone ALWAYS gets hurt when that happens, mostly the one caught in the middle. But in the end it's her choice to make... sad that she might mold herself just to please this person... and a really scary lesson IMO... god help her if later in life she still has that attitude and meets up with a user or abuser...

But part of growing up is learning to make healthy choices... physically exercise, eating habits, etc... but emotionally they have to learn as well... doing all the choosing for them isn't really going to help that. Hence me advising DS to avoid the snot next door, but when he gave him another... ohhh what was it... 4? shots at playing nice and just got stung again and again... I did want to knock the kid's block off but didn't, and I didn't go over there and force the issue, force them together... I made it son's choice... and eventually, he learned that that kid is just a snot... one who has no interest in being a decent person... and he chose to stay away from him... no more hurt feelings, easy peasy... and because he wasn't wasting time on that brat he made other friends who have been good for him.

Wouldn't listen when I just TOLD him that... who listens to the wisdom of parents... very few, at least historically it's ALWAYS been a gripe... In the end, when you aren't around and the teacher isn't looking these girls are going to do what they're going to do... hopefully that'll mean being civil... but I've seen plenty who just are NOT civil, and figure they shouldn't have to be this is MY world TYVM...

best thing when you find one of those is to avoid the mine field that surrounds them.

Glad to hear the teacher will be keeping an eye... maybe she'll be able to figure out what the problem is... might not be able to fix it, but at least you'd know what the devil is going on.​

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
I agree that kids should not be forced to be friends with others, but htey should also be required to be polite and respectful. There is a difference between free time at school (recess, etc.) and free time at home. At school, the social opportunities are usually rather consrtained, whereas at home, they are not necessarily so. At school a child's choices are limited to which kids are in the class, have the same lunch period and similar. At home there may be many or few friends available in the neighborhood, but with a uspportive parent, additional opportunities can be sought.

I really much prefer structured PE over free-choice recess. Talking to other parents over the years, it seems that the vast majority of bullying occurs during inadequately supervised time: in elementary school, free-choice recess; in middle school, dressing before and after PE.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

We've done uniforms, strict dress code (shirts with collars. no logos, no jeans, etc.) and traditional dress code that merely ruled out extremes and really, they all have problems of one sort or another. Uniforms were WAY more expensive than either of the other. That said, teh uniform no more stifles creativity in other areas or even in out of school fashion than having strict behavior rules stifles an expressive and creative imagination. If you want to bring the issue up again, get a bunch of documented research about the effects of uniforms. In the meantime, if chothes are an issue, tell dd what her clothing allowance is and allow her to select her own clothes (naturally you have veto rights over unacceptible, too mature or immodest styles) If she chooses fewer, more expensive clothes over a larger wardrobe, that is her choice, but she will have to live with it. Chances are that once she is in charge she will make a few mistakes, but she will also learn a lot that will be beneficial; she may well surprise you and opt for more, less expensive clothes. I'm guessing htat the style she chooses may be a bit less little girl than you are choosing, but not so 10-going-on-25 as you fear.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
They sure do learn a lot more when they make their own choices. When elder son was young, htere was a family down the street that had a boy a year older and a girl right at his age. These two kids were ALWAYS out of control. They were both at the same daycare for awhile. DS started kindergarten a year early, putting him in the same grade as the boy, but DS went to a private school rather than the public one a half a block away. I did not outright ban their playing together, but as they got older, was less inclined to allow it. Fortunately life prevented them from constant contact, and being at different schools and involved in various sports, DS developed other friends. In 4th grade DS transferred to an out of district school (super gifted program). Come to middle school, he wanted to try the local schools again (lasted 1 quarter before we re-enrolled him in the out of district junior high) Anyways, he shared a lunch period with the neighbor boy. At first he enjoyed being around him more, but gradually, his eyes were opened, culminating in being called into the office as a witness to an incident at his lunch table. The neighbor boy, With No Provocation stabbed another student with a pencil THROUGH his hand. DS had had it; completely disgusted, and never wanted to be around him again.