I don't know how you do this thing they call life. Really I'm at a loss.
My dad survived a heart attack a year ago last spring, and now he has prostate cancer, just found out this summer. He's doing ok, health-wise, as good as can be I guess, but the emotional toll is showing on him and my mom. Not to mention the financial toll from medical bills.
Over the summer my mom went to the dentist and when she came back she couldn't talk right. She sounds like she had a stroke. So just to be safe she had a MRI, no stroke, but they say she has something wrong with her that they see in "longtime smokers" --- except that she's never smoked a day of her life. She can't talk right, and my sister (who still lives at home) reports that she can't swallow pills anymore and frequently chokes on drinks. She doesn't talk to me about it much though, and really I can't bear to listen to her talk. She sounds like my grandma did after she had a stroke.
Not to mention that she's a bit of a hoarder, with an online spending habit (shopping therapy??) and neither me nor my sister can figure out WHERE all the money is going, other than her spending it on stuff that she doesn't need. It's not really my problem, YET anyway, but it kinda concerns me. And my sister informs me that mom thinks the end of the world is coming after Christmas 2011....sometimes I think they missed something on that MRI and she really HAS lost her marbles!
Which also leads to my grandparents, who aren't doing just real well (they are in their 80's) but visiting them is very hard for me. So I feel guilty that I don't visit them more, because they won't be here much longer, but it's just SO hard for me to do. I mean, there's not much to talk about with them, visits always feel really "awkward" My grandma (who had a stroke in 2005) usually can't figure out which granddaughter I am, and she's all in a "medicated happy" most of the time, and my grandpa (also her caregiver) I think he is still mad at me for dropping out of college (because I couldn't afford it) I'm just not sure what topics we can even talk about. My sister (the good one, in college) also says she has the same trouble finding conversation with them.
Remembering how it used to be just makes it so much worse to me.
I wish there was a user manual for life, like "conversations to have with aging grandparents who can't remember which grandkid you are" and "how to fix your mom when she goes looney" and maybe one for "dealing with the emotional toll of serious health problems"
I mean, on the one hand I can kindof stay out of it because I don't live there, but on the other hand, they're my family!
It just seems like it's hit me hard tonight. I just had to write about it.
I feel like throwing things and crying
My dad survived a heart attack a year ago last spring, and now he has prostate cancer, just found out this summer. He's doing ok, health-wise, as good as can be I guess, but the emotional toll is showing on him and my mom. Not to mention the financial toll from medical bills.
Over the summer my mom went to the dentist and when she came back she couldn't talk right. She sounds like she had a stroke. So just to be safe she had a MRI, no stroke, but they say she has something wrong with her that they see in "longtime smokers" --- except that she's never smoked a day of her life. She can't talk right, and my sister (who still lives at home) reports that she can't swallow pills anymore and frequently chokes on drinks. She doesn't talk to me about it much though, and really I can't bear to listen to her talk. She sounds like my grandma did after she had a stroke.
Not to mention that she's a bit of a hoarder, with an online spending habit (shopping therapy??) and neither me nor my sister can figure out WHERE all the money is going, other than her spending it on stuff that she doesn't need. It's not really my problem, YET anyway, but it kinda concerns me. And my sister informs me that mom thinks the end of the world is coming after Christmas 2011....sometimes I think they missed something on that MRI and she really HAS lost her marbles!
Which also leads to my grandparents, who aren't doing just real well (they are in their 80's) but visiting them is very hard for me. So I feel guilty that I don't visit them more, because they won't be here much longer, but it's just SO hard for me to do. I mean, there's not much to talk about with them, visits always feel really "awkward" My grandma (who had a stroke in 2005) usually can't figure out which granddaughter I am, and she's all in a "medicated happy" most of the time, and my grandpa (also her caregiver) I think he is still mad at me for dropping out of college (because I couldn't afford it) I'm just not sure what topics we can even talk about. My sister (the good one, in college) also says she has the same trouble finding conversation with them.
Remembering how it used to be just makes it so much worse to me.
I wish there was a user manual for life, like "conversations to have with aging grandparents who can't remember which grandkid you are" and "how to fix your mom when she goes looney" and maybe one for "dealing with the emotional toll of serious health problems"
I mean, on the one hand I can kindof stay out of it because I don't live there, but on the other hand, they're my family!
It just seems like it's hit me hard tonight. I just had to write about it.
I feel like throwing things and crying