My Father's Wishes...

[PineBurrowPeeps]

I am an only child. So I am the beneficiary to my father's insurance policy and all of that...
He peridodically sends me updated paperwork for his policy to keep in my files.
Yesterday I recieved some more papers in the mail with more specific requests about his remains and wishes. And I am just heartbroken over what he wants and have no idea if I should talk to him and tell him how I feel or just suck it up because it's about him in the end.
He wants to be cremated which I have known forever, and he wants his ashes scattered, which I also have known about.
But he flat out says that he wants no wake, memorial, or service of any kind and no mention of his death in any newpapers.
I was

and

I feel like wakes, memorials, and services are for the living, not the dead. And to tell me that not only do I have to scatter his ashes (as soon as possible says the will), but that I cannot celebrate his life with friends and family is like asking me to pretend he never exsisted.
I feel like I will have no clousure, no where to visit his body and leave flowers, no newpaper clipping or memorial prayer card, nothing.

Part of me wants to call him and tell him how I feel. The other part of me just wants to deal with it and keep my mouth shut because it's his wishes and not mine.

I just don't know what to do.

 

[beak]

The best way to honor the dead is to follow their wishes. You can always have a party to celebrate his life after his ashes are scattered.

 

[tabsmonsters]

I would call him and and tell him this:

I feel like wakes, memorials, and services are for the living, not the dead. And to tell me that not only do I have to scatter his ashes (as soon as possible says the will), but that I cannot celebrate his life with friends and family is like asking me to pretend he never exsisted.
I feel like I will have no clousure, no where to visit his body and leave flowers, no newpaper clipping or memorial prayer card, nothing.

Yes, those are his wishes but you will be affected by his death and you do need closure. You never know, he may not have thought about your side of it and he could change his mind. It never hurts to ask.​

 

[valentinebaby]

It is difficult to understand why he would make such a request. However, I do agree with you, once he's gone, he will not know if you decide to do otherwise. I lost my beautiful son and had him cremated but, fortunately, he is buried at my parents land in our family cemetery. We had a private ceremony at my parent's house with a minister friend that gave a brief speech and then my husband spoke and a friend sang a beautiful song. All of us gathered around his grave site and threw roses upon his chamber as the Brahms Lullaby was sung. As the sun set later that evening, only immediate family gathered and shovel by shovel, each male member placed dirt into the grave. We had planted a beautiful tree by his headstone that we call a memory tree. I'm only telling you this, so you can see that there are options other than the stodginess of sitting in a funeral home, etc. Everyone who attended said it was the most beautiful and touching ceremony they had ever been to.

When my elderly neighbor's youngest son died too early in his 40's, my husband and I bought a fast-growing crabapple tree, planted it just off her kitchen window and back porch and the three of us said our own breif eulogy and prayer. She was so deeply touched and now when she sees her beautiful memory tree, she has happier, rather than sad thoughts of his passing.

Inevitably, since he has left you with his thoughts, you should try to honour some of his requests. Keep them in your decision making, but in the end, it's your decision as to how you want to remember him. I don't believe you need to let him know of your thoughts now - it may only upset him. I'm sure when he's smiling down from heaven, he'll not be angry as to whatever you do, knowing that you loved him enough to do what you thought was right.

Gail

 

[Raven1]

I think you need to sit down face to face with your Dad and tell him you will do exactly what he wants he trusts you to carry out his wished but he also needs to know how you feel he may only be trying to shield you and others from grief and doesn't realize that you need that closure talk to him tell him you love him often and lots both my parents are gone now and you cant tell them after they are gone no matter how much I told them it will never be enough

 

[JennsPeeps]

I agree with the others: when it comes time for you to celebrate his life, do so in the way that YOU need.

Why not celebrate him with a party now while he can be a guest of honor rather than a memory?

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

I would say talk to him. It is important to honor his requests, but you are right that funerals are for the living. Find out WHY he feels this way. He may simply be trying to save you the expense or feel like he is sparing you the bother. He may have other reasons.

It could be a great way to have a good talk with your Dad. It is wise of him to keep you informed and to try to make his end easy for you. His doing all of that makes it seem like he has your best interests at heart. Going from there, tell him what you would like.




I want to be donated to science and then cremated. My sister is appalled. If I dies before her the arrangements go as a compromise between DH - who agrees with my wishes - and what she wants. If she is already dead I go to science. All the family knows this, and we had many good conversations about it.

 

[greyhorsewoman]

My MIL has asked much the same. She also knows exactly where she wants her ashes spread. No obit or memorial. I'd abide by his wishes. He's had a lifetime to decide how it wants it to be. You'll have the same.

However, family and friends can/will congregate, regardless, and celebrate the life, even if it isn't an 'official' memorial.

If you need a 'place' ... save some of the ashes and plant a tree in your yard for him with the ashes. Or make a 'garden' that you can sit in that is in his memory.

 

[Chicken Fruit]

I imagine what he means is to not have an official wake or memorial service. The sort that the funeral home and director would pull together with you and make mention of in the local papers with the obituary.

I cant believe that anyone, especially your dad, would have the intention or the right to keep you from mourning with friends and family in your own way and at your own home. I doubt highly thats what he's getting at.

Those wakes and memorials and services and things cost money, which would come out of his estate and ultimately from you. I imagine that, coupled with the obvious desire to just "ride off into the sunset" is what he's most concerned about.

Let him deal with his death in his own way, you are free (both legally and socially) to deal with it in your own.

 

[Dar]

do as he wishes....

remember he never said where he wants his ashes spread....

so spread them in a garden and have a tree planting party...its all open to how you interpret his wishes