Dearest friend, now that you have taken the initiative to stop smoking, let me commend you and tell you how sincerely I wish for this to be easy for you. With that in mind, I am asking you to sign a commitment, a promise, a stop smoking contract
.. Get your pen, kiddo, cuz you need to sign at the bottom.
I do hereby promise to stop smoking. This isnt a trick promise. I understand that stopping for three days and then resuming smoking does not qualify as stopping. I understand that smoking cigars, herbal cigarettes, and different brands of cigarettes all count as smoking. Chewing tobacco is simply repulsive and I like people more than that. I will not lie. I will not cheat. I will not smoke. But in case I do, I do hereby promise to do the following:
1. I will dress up like Cher and spend an hour in a gay bar.
2. I will dress up like a rabbi and visit the soldiers in Iraq.
3. I will wear underwear that are 4 sizes too small for two weeks.
4. I will not shave for 4 weeks, then I will fall down on a running Epilady.
5. I will give free massages at the homeless shelter every evening.
6. I will drive through Harlem in a Honda Accord with 1/10th of a gallon of gas left in the tank.
7. I will say I love oatmeal to EVERYBODY that talks to me, looks at me, walks by me . Then Ill say I knew it. and walk away.
8. Ill give my mother a red satin bra for Christmas with a card that says Thinking of you.
9. Ill give my father a red satin bra for Christmas with a card that says Thinking of you.
10. I will join a convent, or join Menudo, whichever is more feasible.
11. I will bathe liberally in Britney Spears perfume every day.
12. I will submit a resume to my current employer citing my vast knowledge of HeeHaw re-runs, Enquirer magazine research, and hundreds of hours of time in the Buffy The Vampire Slayer chat room. I will then demand a raise.
Because I am such a nice and honest person, I promise to abide by this contract.
Signed _______________________________Date____________
Notarys signature_______________________Date____________
Popes signature________________________Date____________
Christopher Walkens signature____________________________
I do hereby promise to stop smoking. This isnt a trick promise. I understand that stopping for three days and then resuming smoking does not qualify as stopping. I understand that smoking cigars, herbal cigarettes, and different brands of cigarettes all count as smoking. Chewing tobacco is simply repulsive and I like people more than that. I will not lie. I will not cheat. I will not smoke. But in case I do, I do hereby promise to do the following:
1. I will dress up like Cher and spend an hour in a gay bar.
2. I will dress up like a rabbi and visit the soldiers in Iraq.
3. I will wear underwear that are 4 sizes too small for two weeks.
4. I will not shave for 4 weeks, then I will fall down on a running Epilady.
5. I will give free massages at the homeless shelter every evening.
6. I will drive through Harlem in a Honda Accord with 1/10th of a gallon of gas left in the tank.
7. I will say I love oatmeal to EVERYBODY that talks to me, looks at me, walks by me . Then Ill say I knew it. and walk away.
8. Ill give my mother a red satin bra for Christmas with a card that says Thinking of you.
9. Ill give my father a red satin bra for Christmas with a card that says Thinking of you.
10. I will join a convent, or join Menudo, whichever is more feasible.
11. I will bathe liberally in Britney Spears perfume every day.
12. I will submit a resume to my current employer citing my vast knowledge of HeeHaw re-runs, Enquirer magazine research, and hundreds of hours of time in the Buffy The Vampire Slayer chat room. I will then demand a raise.
Because I am such a nice and honest person, I promise to abide by this contract.
Signed _______________________________Date____________
Notarys signature_______________________Date____________
Popes signature________________________Date____________
Christopher Walkens signature____________________________
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