Blooie, My daughter tried to be a good parent, but her ex thwarted her every effort. He got addicted to "spice", which she didn't realize at first. He became deranged, and abusive. She left him a couple times, one of which was when she discovered he was doing the spice, and he always cried about how sorry he was, and promised to do better, so she'd go back. Over time, she became isolated, and with no basis for comparison, and became "conditioned" into accepting her situation as somewhat normal. There was something else going on too, which I'll get to in a minute.
A few things had happened that she became afraid for her life. She came running home to me. She was a mess. Within a few days, I was convinced he had been dosing her with something, which is how he was controlling her at that point, and she was going through some type of withdrawal. We got a drug test kit, and there were no street drugs in her system, but I was still convinced she had been dosed with something, and was going through withdrawal. In addition, she was not exactly mentally stable. Her oldest son was a mess too, because of the abuse. Her middle daughter seemed ok at the time. The baby was fine.
We went through heck and back for about 6 weeks, getting her to some semblance of mentally stable. After the 6 weeks, she was doing pretty good, and wanted to go back home. She had gotten a restraining order, and he had moved out. We took several precautions to help ensure their safety, and her grandmother was right next door.
She got her son into counseling. She saw some improvement rather quickly, so she got into counseling too. The psychologist is the one that asked her about him having access to a certain mental medication. It's one that one of his sisters was taking. The psychologist agreed that from everything we described, he was probably dosing her with that medication, and it would not show up in a regular drug test for street drugs. It would show up in a blood test for it, but by then too much time had passed.
Because of the abuse, my grandson begged me to promise him, I'd never spank him. I promised. With continued counseling, he transformed, blossomed, and has flourished. He no longer needs counseling. My daughter has finally completed her counseling as well. It was a long, and at times a very emotional process. At a point during the counseling, my daughter was to begin handling the guidance, correction, and disciplining of her children. She learned methods that wouldn't trigger their fears due to the abuse they had suffered, and began taking it over. I had to back out of the roll of primary disciplinarian, for her to succeed, and for them to function properly as a family. The more she resumed her role as parent, the more confidence, and skill she gained, the more I stepped back. That doesn't mean that when she's at school, or gone to the store, or whatever and I'm watching them, that I don't correct, or discipline them. I do. I have learned though, that I like the role of grandparent for the kids, instead of parent, and she is a good parent.
