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My step-son is driving me insane......

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by chicmom, Aug 9, 2011.

  1. chicmom

    chicmom Dances with Chickens

    Feb 24, 2009
    Strasburg Ohio
    This is my first, personal, non related post. I need to vent.

    My DH and I have been married for 11 years. His kids have always been challenging. He's got a boy and a girl, and I've got two boys. My oldest son is 23, marred 3 years and has a baby daughter that is 15 mos old. My first grandchild! LOVE IT!
    My youngest son is turning 18 next month, and he's a senior this year. He's going to college when he graduates, to persue a career in computers. I'm really proud of my boys. Good manners, pretty good students, they haven't been perfect but what kid is?

    On to the step-kids. They didn't live with us for about the first half of our marriage. Brittany moved in with us when she was 12, but then she discovered BOYS. Lost all interest in sports (she was a great basketball player!), and life became BOYS BOYS BOYS with her. We put her on the pill, because she began lying about what she was doing, to be with boys. In the meantime, her mom married a third husband, with FIVE SONS! And magically, Brit moved back home with her mother to be near the BOYS! At her mother's house, she skipped school until she was expelled, shoplifted twice and was arrested and went to jail. She is now 20 and pregnant by one of her step brothers at her mom's house (NOT MY BOYS). Her mother did not protect her as she should have. I would have gone nuts if my boys even looked at her the wrong way, which they never did. "That would be gross, Mom!" Is their response.

    Step dau has moved back home. She has done a 360 turn about with her attitude, we've got her studying to get her GED. Baby is due in Oct. She helps with housework and is, in her own words, "Glad to be home"! I'm proud of her for trying to turn things around, and of course will do what I can to make sure baby and mama get off to a good start.

    Now, the step-son is a pot smoking burn out. He's been caught with pres drugs twice in the house, plus pot and other stuff. I am just so tired of it. He is a nasty, disrespectful brat who cares only to have a good time. DH is tired of this too, and so his way of dealing with it is to let the boy do what he wants. Step son is never home, and when he is home, his attitude is terrible. His hygene is bad too. All I ask is that he cleans his room, takes his dirty clothes down to the laundry room, and takes out the trash. Very small things that only take a minute, and it's like pulling teeth.

    The kicker here is that his dad let him have a party in our neighboring woods behind the house. Where he had pot and alcohol. He is not 18 yet. He asked my son to go to the party too. (This was supposed to be a campout, with food and a campfire.) Against my better judgement I let him go. Now my son was acting suspicious. (We are very close). I point blank asked him if they had pot and alcohol there and he said yes.

    This is the second time now, (I know, shame on me) that the step-son has gotten my son to party. ) My son just stays with us on the weekends and alot in the summer, because he lives with his dad to attend a good high school. I am feeling like a predator lives in my own house. A drug dealer is preying on my own child.

    It's becoming a strain on the marriage because DH doesn't discipline his son. Step-son does whatever he wants. It's like he rules the roost. I am punishing both boys.

    They will paint our shed, the hen house, and two smaller coops. They will do yard work and other things until everything is ship-shape and ready for fall outside in the yard. They will be doing heavy duty chores outside, as punishment for breaking the rules. No fun until all the things are finished. I will be right outside working along with them. I need to paint the front deck and picnic table, so I can keep an eye on them.

    I really want the step son to go back to his mothers. (He came to us later, and he was already too much into smoking pot, I think.) His dad wants him to stay here and graduate, but he will turn 18 in January, and still has TWO years of school yet, because he has failed a year. He does get good grades since he's been with us, BUT he has behavioral problems every single year. He's in the IEP program, and that helps him too. It is exhausting. He doesn't want to follow our rules, (my rules, I guess, which are no underage drinking, no drugs.) We are constantly bickering and I don't trust him one bit. I don't trust him driving. But his dad doesn't care, lets him do whatever he wants to do.

    I am at the point where, I think if he doesn't want to follow our rules, then he should go back to mommy's where he can smoke pot and do everything he wants anyhow. I just don't care anymore.

    THERE! I VENTED! I do feel better....Thank you for reading.....


    The self proclaimed evil step-monster, AKA Mommie Dearest

  2. greeneggsandham

    greeneggsandham Songster

    Mar 10, 2008
    My first question would be where is the step-son getting the money to buy pot? At almost 18 it may be better for him to go get his GED than have to deal with two more years in high school.
  3. sharron

    sharron Crowing

    May 12, 2010
    scottdale pa
  4. sourland

    sourland Broody Magician Premium Member

    May 3, 2009
    New Jersey
    Worse than a predator/parasite, he is endangering your home. Just think if one of the kids gets hurt at one of his "parties" or the authorities raid your home beccause of "drug related" activities. This kid is not lost, but he needs to be turned around. Hard thing for you to do, but his Dad needs to step up. Either he needs to get squared away or get out. Time for tough love. You are in a very difficult situation, and I wish you the best of luck at resolving this potential disaster.
  5. Slinkytoys

    Slinkytoys Songster

    Jun 22, 2009
    Black Forest
    Wow. You have a husband problem, not a step-son problem. Your husband is either lazy or wants to be the "fun" parent. I'd be putting DH's feet to the fire as well as the boys.
    I agree with Sourland about the GED. Or maybe have your SS take summer school classes to make up the year he lost.
    The main thing to do is get DH on the same page as you. It's not right to make you the heavy. A united front is the only way you will be successful, if you don't want to end up with all the "kids" at home to end up living in your basement at age 30.
  6. Buugette

    Buugette [IMG]emojione/assets/png/2665.png?v=2.2.7[/IMG]Cra

    May 26, 2009
    Bucks County, PA
    Wow... okay, here is my advise...

    1. help him get his GED... no reason to be 18 with 2 years of school left.
    2. at 18, with GED in hand, kick his butt out.

    Problem solved. You can't have him adding to the delinquency of a minor (your son). If "daddy" won't step up... fine... tell him to stay out of it. You will handle.

    Lay down the law, no drugs or drinking while living in your house. Random drug testing will be given, if you fail, you walk out the door. No exceptions.

    I know it is hard, but if you don't catch him now... you never will. My older step-brother started with pot and alcohol 30 years ago. He is is now dead. Everyone tried to help him, coddle him, everything was someone else's fault. Daddy looked the other way, Mommy pushed it aside. Daddy threw money at the problem, fought with my mother when she tried to intervene. What did that get everyone... a dead son.

    Finally everything caught up to him... he went to jail for a couple years. He came out clean and was looking forward to life till he saw what a mess his life really was. No driver's license, no options for job, no friends (as they were all druggies), no house as he lost it due to lack of up-keep, family wanted nothing to do with him, etc. He broke into his old house and over dosed on Heroin. He couldn't face what his life had become. He took the cowards way out. If someone had stood up to him in the begining when it was only pot and alcohol... maybe the outcome would have been different.

    Either he abide by your house rules, or he is not in your house. You can be held responsible for his actions till he is 18, some states longer.

    Write down the rules, go over them with him, list what you will do to help him and what he is expected to do in return. If he agrees, he stays in the house and works on his GED. If he has even 1 lapse in judgement, he is out. One failed drug test, 1 found baggie of pot, etc. Done. Go through his room with him making sure everything is gone so he cannot say... "that is old, it has been here... I forgot about that one." If you husband is tired of the entire thing... fine, but he has to stay completely out of it. Make it clear to him, and to the boy. It is your house, your rules, you are NOT going to live like this.

    He is still a kid, you don't have to live by his rules. His rules will kill him.

    I'm sorry if I seem harsh. I watched my brother's drug use destroy not only my family, but his... his son, his daughter. I will not live through that again. I will not watch any child of mine (step or otherwise) play by a druggie's rule. The only understanding that will be on my part, is the understanding that the child will die if not stopped now. Of the family members on my step-fathers side that have died of drugs: his son, his sister, his brother, his other brother, his nephew, his sister-in-law, his neice and others I'm sure I have missed. No one did anything... just let them live by their rules, in my step-grandmother's house.

    My rule is no tolerance on drugs & alcohol. You will have my full comittment to help you get clean... you have one chance at life, don't blow it.

  7. krcote

    krcote Songster

    May 21, 2008
    Concord, NH
    Quote:Excellently written.

  8. Sonoran Silkies

    Sonoran Silkies Flock Mistress

    Jan 4, 2009
    Tempe, Arizona
  9. chicmom

    chicmom Dances with Chickens

    Feb 24, 2009
    Strasburg Ohio
    Quote:I wish I knew.....He will be gone for days at a time, he stays with his best friend Mark, who is in the same grade as him. I think a sleep over is Ok sometimes for an evening, but not for days. I don't hand him money, believe me! I think maybe the GED thing might be a good idea.......

    Thank you for the input! I really do appreciate it!
  10. Sonoran Silkies

    Sonoran Silkies Flock Mistress

    Jan 4, 2009
    Tempe, Arizona
    Quote:Excellently written.

    Agreed. The only thing I would change is that as long as he follows all rules, he can attend high school instead of forcing him into GED. A high school diploma really is worth more. But, the day he breaks a rule, you haul him down to take the GED test, and then send him on his way.

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