My step-son is driving me insane......

[chicmom]

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Excellently written.

I really really like everything you wrote, and I am trying. It is hard, when your husband would just like to ignore it and let that child run with the wolves rather than argue with him.

 

[ranchhand]

There should be no arguing. Here's the way it is- take it or leave. If he wants to argue, walk away.

 

[chicmom]

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Ranchhand, I am getting a backbone. I told my husband today that if his son doesn't want to obey the rules, that he can move back home with his mom. I know my husband did not like that one bit. He actually screamed at me last night "What do you want me to do, take the boy and leave?!" I seriously don't want that, but I won't be bullied anymore to just shut up and let the SS do what he wants.

 

[danielle82]

My nephew lived with me for a year. It sounds very similar. He eventually moved out/ran away because he refused the drug test, and I said that I loved him, but he knows he can't be doing drugs while he's living here, and if he refuses the drug test, Its the same as a positive to me. He chose to leave.

eta he was also 18 at the time, a junior in High school

 

[punk-a-doodle]

My first suggestion for something like this is pretty much always professional counseling, but someone you all click with to a point. I agree, this isn't a ss problem as much as it is an issue of multiple people trying to live in one household under multiple rules and ideals. You are your husband need to get on the same page for this to work, but you both need to be willing to sit down and do that. As you've seen, trying to ignore this issue just means everyone gets dragged in down the road. Best of luck to you and your family!

 

[redhen]

That kid would not be living in my house. He'd be in rehab right now.
And when he came home, he would have weekly drug testing, and i'd also have him involved with youth services, So if he gets out of hand, you can call them.
His room would be cleaned out..and he'd have NO place to hide his drugs.
He would NOT be driving and running the roads...period. NONE.
His room and personal body would be subject to searches at random times,...OFTEN..
And if you know that kid is selling drugs, you NEED to call the police. Let them watch him and catch him in the act... He needs to learn there are consequences to his illegal actions ...
He would NOT be living like that in my house and endangering my other kids and my HOME. If you get caught letting those kids have parties with booze and weed on your property, man you are screwed, blued and tattooed!

As for the husband..too BAD, you need to tell him that you are NOT risking your home AND legal problems because of his kid. AND..THERE WILL BE NO DRUGS IN THE HOUSE. PERIOD.
And so , if that means that his son needs to move back with his mother OR go into a rehab.... thats fine. But that it is going to stop. TODAY.

 

[greeneggsandham]

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I wish I knew.....He will be gone for days at a time, he stays with his best friend Mark, who is in the same grade as him. I think a sleep over is Ok sometimes for an evening, but not for days. I don't hand him money, believe me! I think maybe the GED thing might be a good idea.......

Thank you for the input! I really do appreciate it!

Sounds like your step-son is getting it from said friend or someone the friend knows. Unless of course he and the friend are growing it. Which could be a possibility.

One of my nephews several years ago started smoking pot and I found out he was stealing his mothers jewelry and selling it. She is not the brightest bulb in the book and couldn't figure out where her rings were going. Anyways he and I sat down for a very long talk. End result he got his GED and is working at a medical supply company making pretty good money.

 

[Mattemma]

I think the boy should take the GED test and move out by the time he is 18-earlier even better. I would not want to put up with it either.Like a toddler having a fit.Often easier to give in and ignore.Since the step son is getting your own son to drink/smoke I would be livid with dh about getting step son to shape up or move out. Sad thing to read about the step daughter getting pregnant by a step brother.Hope all turns out well for her.Same for the step son,but if he isn't willing to do what is asked of him then he really should move out.

The dh should not be fighting with you.You are not making him choose between you and his son.You are simply telling him he needs to step up and be a responsible parent to his child.Look what happened to his daughter. If he refuses then yes he probably should move out WITH his son. I would not want to stay with a partner that tolerated this sort of daily life,and it is unlikely the son would even be motivated to work and move out.Why should he when dad lets him live at home for free,AND lets him do whatever he wants.

Tough situation that I hope you all can work through. Sometimes people make choices that are very poor choices indeed,and you either accept it or say no thanks and walk away. I had to do that with my sibling.It still hurts,but not as much as seeing the poor choices on a daily basis.

You never asked dh to leave with SS,he said that himself to turn the tables and guilt you.Perhaps hoping you would drop the issue.

 

[bullyforme]

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That is a brilliant observation; be on the alert to this kind of passive aggressive behavior. It's very easy to let it confuse you and change your mind (which is why it's used, and so effective).

 

[sourland]

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And there it is-- tough love, but right on the money. Sometimes you have to bottom out before you can get better. Been there, done that, ain't goin' back.