Need advice and to vent and maybe make this panic attack go away...

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
So, exactly what did the "friend" say, and what brought the subject up? How would the friend KNOW that your in-laws hate you, and why would he/she tell you?

What makes you think that your in-laws believe that your relationship with your husband is on the rocks? Is this a recent belief on your part, or long-standing? If the "being on the rocks" with dh is a relatively new belief by your in-laws, do not discount that your husband has said things to them that he has not told you.

Other than your son, who was present when your in-laws spoke badly of you, and did they know your son was present? It could have been that he overheard something that he was not supposed to hear, or that he misinterpreted what he did overhear. How recent or long-term has the talking about you where your son can hear been going on? Has he told his father what was said?

A friend told you something, and dh wants you to ask unbiased family friends, but you do not want to tell him what the friend told you? This makes no sense to me.


I think that your perception of how you are treated and your husband's perception of how you are treated are not the same. Whether he has his head in the sand or you are overly sensitive, I cannot tell. That he wants to ask unbiased opinions sounds to me like he is listening to you and is concerned, but wants you to open your mind to it not being as you perceive. Family counseling might well be in order; a sit-down with dh is definitely in order, and firm ground rules on their access to your son are an absolute.

 

[pawprint2104]

Quote:
+1

And, once in a while treat yourself to something special (movie, manicure, new chicken feeder, etc.) for being a good person and to counteract the negativity they bring to you. Politely defend yourself (it is family afterall) when they make impolite comments.

**edited to remove profanity. Please do not bypass the filters**

 

[HeatherLynn]

Ok, well I guess I am in slightly better shape with mine than you are but that took time. Honestly when I stopped caring things got better. I did let my husband know but I also told him that it is so important to me that he has a relationship with his that if he could support me I would do my best when we had to be around them. In return the one time his mom pulled something like that in front of our kids, he hauled us out of there so fast it was not even funny. I was open about it with him, how it made me feel and such, and I did let him see how much effort I put into keeping things working. No matter how badly they were working I kept putting and effort and I told him it was for his sake. Honestly once his mom ( it was almost always his mom) saw that nothing was making us waver she backed off. She still doesn't like me and will bad mouth me but now even friends and family up there will defend us. Just let him know it hurts and worries you. You know he can't really fix them but you will need extra support so you can deal.

 

[redhen]

Well..
I would NOT care what ANYONE thinks about it.. (including hubby)
If my in-laws talked bad about me in front of MY child.... that would be the last time he was around them. Period.
They MUST NOT be mentally stable if they are talking about a parent in front of a young child. NO WAY that i would expose my child to that toxic mess. no way...
And if hubby didnt like it..ooh well... sc**w him too.
Also..if your husband doesnt back you up about this..then his parents may actually be right and you do have some problems in your marriage. Sorry... your husband is supposed to support you... period. End of story.. you are his wife and the mother of his child.
Dont be a victim... Do whats right and dont let your child be exposed to their venom.

 

[SpottedCrow]

Everyone has given you such great advice.

You married your DH, not his family.
I grew up being treated like chicken splort. And I WILL never tolerate ANYONE treating my children/family that badly. They WILL get SERVED!

I have gone STAG to many occasions because my Aunt kept inviting my BIL (Ex thank the Gods) who had cost me a job one time...and my husband had DESPISED him since. I never made a big deal cuz they were MY family, not his and he didn't have to have a danged thing to do with them if he didn't want to.

 

[WingingIt]

I didn't read all of the replies, but how on Earth can your DH not know already? How can he be close to them and have no idea? I'm sure he's seen you upset after visits or phone calls. I'm sure your 7 year old has repeated things they've said over the years, or heck, he's been IN the room when they said them to your child. DH needs to be informed of everything that he doesn't know already and needs to step up and inform them that it stops NOW. Period.

If they can't treat you, your son and your family as a whole, with respect, then there is no interaction from now on. My child would NOT be allowed to be with any family member that disrespects my spouse and I'll be darned if I'd be caught dead there, either.

After this many years, they should have figured it out already, you two are together and are staying together. If they can't be happy about that (HELLO???) then they can be grumpy and alone together with each other, because none of you will be seeing them any longer. Family can be great, but it can also be misery inducing, and that's not worth wasting time on.

 

[cassie]

It might make you feel better to know that President Harry Truman's mother-in-law never thought he was good enough for her daughter. As for your in-laws, your best course of action is to confront them directly. Tell them that while they do not need to like you they do need to treat you with courtesy and respect and they are not, under any circumstances, to talk ill of you to your son. Keep in mind most bullies back down when confronted directly. Beyind that I would avoid them like the plague they are, and if your husband asks why you refuse to attend family gatherings, politely tell him why. Life is too short to deal with trolls.

 

[poconoadoptionfamily]

Thanks for the great advice everyone.

In the interest of full disclosure I took heavy duty cold meds last night so that along with being sick and exhausted probably contributed to my state of mind. But after getting sleep and the meds out of my system I felt much clearer and spoke to my husband about everything.

DH has known about every incident up until my friend confirming for me last night. And I planned on telling him today about that. Looking back on it it was my fault in not letting him know how much it bothered me and also not letting him know that I needed him to take that extra step as someone on here said. (We both had loud, controlling and verbally abusive fathers and don't like to "rock the boat") YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT I deserve to be treated respectfully if for no other reason than because I am the wife and mother to their son and grandson, but neither I nor DH can really control what they do. We can only control ourselves. So we decided that for us that involves creating and maintaining boundaries, and treating them with respect and dignity because they are the parents and grandparents to my Dh and Ds.

So after speaking with DH we have worked out a plan using some of the ideas here. We're going to 1st speak to our family friends more for counsel than anything. They know my In-laws and also went through something very similar. We also trust them to give us an accurate accounting and I will be open to listening. Maybe I'm wrong, we'll see. Frankly I would be relieved if I were off base. That way we wouldn't have a confrontation to deal with. But, we already know some things to be true. Yes FIL has spoken around DS about me 2 times that we know of. Yes he, (FIL) knew DS was there both times sitting next to him. The one that threw me for a loop last night and concerns me and DH was that if DH were to die they would sue me for full custody. The likelihood that would happen, (Dh dying or them getting custody) is slim to none. We're just suprised that they would even think to do this considering DS's adoption history (bonding issues etc.) Yes my friend told me this and I believe she's telling the truth . She has no agenda and no reason to lie and she's been a dear friend for many years. I think someone was confused about the connection between my friend and In-laws? She is a muscian as well. Also, we all come from a small town and it seems that everyone is connected somehow.

Second, DH is going to speak to his parents. Whether they change their behavior or not DS will only be allowed limited supervised visitation. We had started easing into this already because after visiting my In-laws DS would come home exhibiting behavior problems.. Particularly with women. His teachers ( called one an "idiot") and me and my Mother. But this will be much more limited and DH will be the one supervising not me.

Please forgive the typos and grammar. I'm up late tonight to finish a paper that I procrastinated writing until the last possible minute it's due Friday 8 AM).

I'll write more later...just wanted to give everyone an update,, and Thanks Again for the honest advice. D-

 

[annaraven]

Really glad to hear you're feeling better. And that you and your DH seem to have started working things out. Good for you!

 

[poconoadoptionfamily]

Just an update:
We will be meeting with our family friends on Sunday. ( We wanted to do this in person) I'll keep everyone here updated. Thanks for the support.

Paper is finished. It was my personal biography on my faith for the Church we are joining on Sunday, not a "school paper". This is in response to the person that e-mailed me.