Need advice on how to get a chip off my shoulder

[yomama]

Thanks for responses. I appreciate the empathy, and I'm always amazed how many people have screwed up families like me, or worse, lol! (though that really isn't funny. Kind of sad, really. )

Redhen: I think you hit the nail on the head. As typed out my novel of a story, I realized how petty some of it sounded. Not saying that I wasn't justified to feel hurt, can't always control how things affect you, but I think underlining issues have made this hill a mountain. There has been some tension throughout the family, minor things, but they add up. As for being upset with hubby, I think I just keep expecting him to treat me a little more special, kind of like he used to. But I think I've finally come to the realization that it just isn't going to happen. I just need to figure out how to get over the hump of knowing that I need to forgive and let go, to actually doing so. I'm not a materialistic or superficial person. I'm not used to getting presents, spend my money on animals, not clothes and shoes, etc. So not bringing me at least a card, sounds silly, but I think it is just the fact that family didn't think of taking the time to do so, is more of what bothered me. Its true too, I really feel like this has shown me what the family is truly like. I have found myself avoiding them a little more. Hard, when I live 10 min away from the in laws. My husband and the girls did visit me everyday, for about 20 mins each time. It's just he acted like he didn't want to be there, whereas my girls genuinely acted happy to see me. Unconditional love from kids, I guess.

Beekissed and Hummelhill: I appreciate your advice. ( I appreciate everyones advice) I'm not a religious person, but I do feel that inner peace is only something that I can achieve. No one is going to give it to me. I know that I am wasting energy on this kind of thing. It can and does consume you, and when you are angry, it just makes you so very tired. I like your idea of just saying "I forgive them". Kind of that whole "smile when you answer the phone, and the person on the other end can actually sense your better attitude" kind of thing. (I've dealt with the public and clients for a long time

) I guess eventually if you say it enough times, you start to believe it.

Thanks again everyone so much! I've debated posting about this for some time, because I thought I was going to get alot of "suck it up princess" type responses, lol! I'm so grateful that there are such understanding folks here on BYC!!

 

[redhen]

I'm getting that your hubby isnt giving you what you need?.. hes not making you feel special like he should be doing, in your daily life... not just this hospital incident?..

Have you told him this?? He might need a good hard kick into reality to wake him up...
You shouldnt be feeling that way... i'm sorry.

 

[yomama]

I'm getting that your hubby isnt giving you what you need?.. hes not making you feel special like he should be doing, in your daily life... not just this hospital incident?..

Have you told him this?? He might need a good hard kick into reality to wake him up...
You shouldnt be feeling that way... i'm sorry.

Yeah, I've tried to think of ways to bring it up. Normally, he is a good guy. He'd do anything I ask, anytime. I just feel like the emotional bond is kind of missing. I always feel like we aren't on the same page about things. Not to mention he does things that just drive me nuts. I think that if I weren't feeling this kind of loneliness, those little things wouldn't bother me as much. He doesn't listen, drives me nuts. I could tell him something, right to his face, and he will forget it 10 minutes later. And usually do the exact opposite of what I had asked. It's funny, but it's almost like he only has so much space in his brain for how I need certain things done, that if I throw something new in the mix, it pushes an old one out,lol. He'll just sporadically forget things. Things that have been done a certain way for a long time. It's not like I'm constantly making rules for everything. Most of my rules revolve around keeping things peaceful and running smoothly with the animals. When I want something done a certain way, it is usually because I'm trying to avoid the aftermath that I would have to clean, treat, or in one way or another, take care of. When something is bothering me, I do talk to him about it, most times, and he is aware of how I feel, but then we just fall right back into the same rut within a day or two. I don't want to leave, but I am definitely not happy. I know that it is up to me to make myself happy, but I guess I'm just stuck. I don't know. It sucks!

 

[yomama]

Beekissed: I've been trying your "say out loud, I forgive them". I think it is working a little. I definitely feel like I'm letting go of a little of the resentment towards everyone. Thanks!

 

[Beekissed]

That's great news! I read about it in fiction book called "The Shack" and tried it myself and it really worked for me.

 

[zzGypsy]

hey there,
ok, so a few thoughts here... (ok, more than a few.) hopefully this will make sense, my brain is a little mushy tonight, so if this isn't clear, ask.

sometimes it helps to really clarify what you're feeling, and then you can look at what's causing it.

you say you're hurt - but I think maybe you're actually disappointed.

hurt is when someone *does* something that causes you pain.

disappointed is when you *expect* someone to do something and they don't do it. (or expect them to *not* do something and they do it anyway.)

I'm going to be a little clinical about how I describe this so I can be clear - take a deep breath, stay with me through the whole conversation here.
you said you want help with letting this go, with getting the chip off your shoulder, so this might be a different, and perhaps not entirely comfortable, view. at least it may take a little thinking about.

so.
you wanted a show of concern, some fussing over you, some treats to make you feel special while you were scared, anxious, feeling needy, in pain, and physically compromised. you wanted to be babied a bit, and be the center of their attention and concern. and you wanted it from everyone you're related to, and their spouses.

understand, I'm not saying you should or should not want those things, or if what you wanted was reasonable or not, just trying to characterize what I hear that you wanted.

you have a belief that if they love you they would do these things. you had expectation of that behavior from them. in a way, their doing those things would be the simple and natural outgrowth of their loving you. and it a way, it would prove to you that they do.

and you were disappointed in that some of them failed to do it, some only did it under duress, and some did it partially or only one of the two times.

so I think there are several things happening here.

- all of us want to feel loved, and certain things have the effect of making us feel that way... it's different for each of us. for you, fussing over you when you're sick makes you feel loved. taking special effort, the things that would go with, say, a birthday party (balloons, cards, a visit from folks you don't see often, making you the center of attention). that makes you feel loved. it's important to know what these things are, and to make sure others know what they are as well. it's about learning to speak each other's language.

- sometimes we want folks to PROVE they love us. that's insecurity. we have a particular way we need them to behave, and in the moment when we need reassurance, we cannot really process who they are, what they're managing in their moment, what they are capable of doing. we simply need what we need, and if it isn't delivered, we are disappointed, wounded, let down, forlorn. we feel as if we are unloved, as if they do not care. and that makes us sad, or hurt, and sometimes angry. because they did not deliver what we needed.

- sometimes there are other dynamics at work - passive aggressive details of our behavior, or festering hurts, and what we do is set up a test, one that they will fail, to then allow our anger to be righteously and justifiably displayed. to give us the trigger to yell or sulk or accuse or otherwise punish them for things that are much less of this moment and much more of the history between us. sometimes these tests take the form of expecting people to behave in ways, that if we consider all we know of them, we can reasonably expect they will not do. we say "if she loved me, she'd bring me a cake" when rationally we know that's something she's unlikely to do. but still, if she loved us enough... and so she fails and we're mad, and call it hurt, because clearly she didn't care. when really the whole cake thing is a cover for something more important, and perhaps more fragile, that we're dancing all around but cannot bring ourselves to face.

- sometimes it's simply unrealistic expectations. as you said, people are who they are. if you want to be generating disappointment after disappointment, expect them to be something else. expect them to do things the way *you* would do them. not the way *they* do them. perhaps you would do the birthday party things for a sister in law if she had just had surgery. even if it was the 14th surgery. but your family may not be like you. they're like them. if they're cold fish, and self-involved, and really don't care, well, then expecting them to be warm and thoughtful is a perfect way to get disappointed. stop expecting that from them, see who they are, and leave it at that. but perhaps they're not cold fish, they're just not the birthday-party types. perhaps they show their love and support in other ways. if that's the case, you can learn to see the love in what they do, the way they do it, and that will give you the fullness of feeling your current expectations fail to generate.

- sometimes it's a failure of their psychic abilities. many folks, if asked, will accommodate what you ask for, if they love you. tell them what makes you feel better when you're compromised. tell them that it really makes you feel better, makes the surgery easier, when they come and bring you a card. give them a treasure map with clues to how to make you feel loved. give them lots of joy when they do it. many times we think somehow it spoils it if we have to tell them. but the truth is, they may not know, and if you don't tell them, you may not get what you need. and it will not be their fault.

- sometimes it's a failure of their understanding you and they are not the same. if it were me, and I'd had surgery, the *last* thing I'd want is a visit from family members I rarely see. I'd be in pain, sick from the anesthesia, crabby, surly, and I'm sure I'd be looking like h**l in a basket. People to respond to, people to be nice to, people period are the last thing I'd want. bring me some hot tea or a cup of broth, throw a blanket over me and I'll call you when I feel better! if your family is like me, they may expect you are the same... and would not want to burden you with their presence while you are recovering. they may be, in their own experience, deliberately doing the kindest most loving thing they can think of - letting you recover in peace.

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remember that if you tell them what you want, they may still may not be able to deliver. I can tell my dog Turk that I want him to make pancakes for my breakfast, but no matter that he loves me will all the furry little cells in his body, there will be no pancakes. if his failure to make pancakes disappoints me, and makes me feel he doesn't really love me, that's *MY* fault. my expectations are broken, not his love. if I fail to understand that pancake making is not in his list of behaviors, it is *MY* fault. if I fail to see the way he looks at me, or notice how he leans against me, and if I fail to feel loved by him when he does that, that's *MY* fault. he loves me in *his* way, and if I cannot receive that, my ability to be loved is broken, not his behavior.

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My mother calls me Haley's Comet - I fly through my family's lives once every 72 years, and while it's spectacular when I do, it doesn't happen often. it is who I am. I don't remember birthdays. But I'll sit with an acquaintance who is dying of cancer and in horrendous pain so his wife can have a breather. two or three nights a week, week after week. I don't send Christmas cards. But you can call me at 3am because your boyfriend's hit you and I'll be there at 3:15am with a shotgun to defend you while you pack and a truck to move your stuff. I won't remember when you changed jobs, or what your favorite color is. but if you need someone to sit with you while you mourn the sudden loss of your mother, I'll be there and hold you while you cry, all night if needed. if it were me, in your family, I might not be there in the hospital with the card and the undivided attention, but I'd be the one showing up to feed your animals in the snow because your hip won't let you do it yet.

people love in their own ways. their way may not be your way. we have to learn to translate, to see with better eyes, to take our blinders off.

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so. basically it comes down to what you choose.
you can choose to want things from your family that they are unlikely to do, and you can be disappointed, and then punish them for it.
you can choose to tell them what you want, and then punish them if they do not do as you request.
you can choose to expect them to love you your way, and not appreciate it when they love you their way.
or
you can choose to understand who they are, see and rejoice in the love they bring in their own way.
you can choose to set your expectations realistically, and be delighted when those expectations are met.
you can choose to communicate what you want, and be joyful when some of it happens.

for me, it's much less about forgiving, or forgetting, and much more about understanding who they are and how they love, setting my expectations appropriately, and taking joy in the love they show, the way they show it. that, and being willing to teach them a bit about what really makes me feel loved has made me a much less angry person, a much more secure and joyful person. a much calmer person.

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and just to note, all that is about how we receive love, and feel loved. flip it over and it's about how we give love, and how we let them know they are loved. that's just as important.

...............

and [/soapbox]

 

[sheaviance1]

Total thread hijack here:
zzGypsy, thank you. That could have been written for me today. Some of your advice is my own words given to others, but today, I needed them myself.
End of thread hijack.

 

[zzGypsy]

ok, apparently not [/soapbox] yet...

so I had another thought.

your story, as you tell it, is mostly focused on all you did not get and who you did not get it from. it is not focused on all you did get and who you got it from.

your focus is on your anger and your disapointments, not your joy and love.

what you focus on is a choice, your choice, and it greatly colors the experience you have in life. You Get What You Focus On.

if you'd like an exercise to help you change your focus, here's one...

go to your original post and count
A) the number of sentences which are about your hurt, anger, disappointment, sadness, frustration.
B) the number of sentences about who was loving, what went right, how you felt loved.

if the sentence has both (what's-her-face showed up but so-and-so didn't and that made me mad), count it once in each group.

so A (angry) has xx number of sentences
and B (happy) has yy number of sentences

now rewrite your story

only this time use at least the number of sentences in the A) group to describe the happy stuff, and only the number of B) sentences for the angry/hurt stuff.

I don't promise this will be easy, but it will flip the experience over and give you a new perspective. it will adjust your focus.

ok, now, really [/soapbox]

 

[zzGypsy]

Total thread hijack here:
zzGypsy, thank you. That could have been written for me today. Some of your advice is my own words given to others, but today, I needed them myself.
End of thread hijack.

you are totally welcome.
I've found most of our words are for ourselves, if only we take time to listen...
happy to have been of service.

and they're for me too. so thank you yomama for bringing this for me to talk about.
really, life's a mirror. every moment shows you something about who *you* are.
writing this is my mirror for today.

 

[BusyBlonde]

zzgypsy, you are very wise. You may be speaking to the OP, but you speak to many of us. Not just on this post, but on many I've read. We all want our loved ones to "know" what we need but that's unrealistic. Do we know what our loved ones need? Probably not. We need to do - and love - the best we can. And if we really need something, we need to tell our loved ones. They can't read our minds ,and we shouldn't expect them to.