Quote:
i so agree, some are soooo bad.
respect and communication are key!!!!
i so agree, some are soooo bad.
respect and communication are key!!!!
Need advice on step child please
- Thread starter unionwirewoman
- Start date
- Thread starter
- #22
Sorry to bring this up again , but I haven't been able to post this without "A" seeing it . It doesn't really affect my relationship with me and my fiance' . I am just concerened about her future . We have all sat down and made some rules , unfortunatley we can't watch her every single minute of the day to make sure she's not doing what she isn't supposed to be doing . Her mother wants nothing to do with me , she has even went so far as to say that she didn't want the christmas presents she got because I wrapped them ("A" didn't want to wrap them ) . "A" has told me her mother calls me a slu* and other bad remarks . When"A" tries to stand up for me , she gets yelled at . I have wanted to talk with "A"s mother about her future , but how can you talk to someone who hates you ?
As for why I would marry this man ..... I have never been so happy in my life , he is the ONE . For all the bad we go through in our lives , It's nice to know someone is there who "gets" you . Doesn't happen very often that the person you're with is also your best friend . Thank you to everyone for your advice , I don't agree with drugs to treat problems , but that's just me . I agree she is depressed and it is very hard on kids these days. It just feels like I'm fighting a losing battle .
As for why I would marry this man ..... I have never been so happy in my life , he is the ONE . For all the bad we go through in our lives , It's nice to know someone is there who "gets" you . Doesn't happen very often that the person you're with is also your best friend . Thank you to everyone for your advice , I don't agree with drugs to treat problems , but that's just me . I agree she is depressed and it is very hard on kids these days. It just feels like I'm fighting a losing battle .
Union......you gotta good heart.......as far as the 'other' mom goes............that is sometimes a losing battle.........stay focused on the child ........she needs stable and sure.......your doing good I think....poor thing sounds like she cant win !
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I want only to ask 1 thing about this - Did he leave her for you? The animosity with that could be a really big problem with how she - the ex - wants to deal with issues with the daughter, and with you. If that is the case, it probably is best to have the fiance deal with the ex. But, you will be part of the daughter's family soon, and if at all possible, you and the fiance should meet with the ex.
Otherwise - Does "A" tolerate when you step in and help with the discipline? It really does seem like she is reaching out for some help. With her failing most everything at school, how is school going for her? Are there problems at school with bullies or anything like that? I know a lot of people would just look at the home situation, but there may be issues at school. What classes is she passing? Try to spark some interest in a hobby that might deal with those classes.
Try to find her a therapist for the depression she is obviously dealing with. And since she has made comments about killing herself, if she starts giving away prized possessions, keep a very close eye one her. And medication is not always a bad thing, just make sure that you and the therapist keeps tabs on how she responds. I went for about 11 years trying to deal with depression without medication and I can tell you that finally accepting medication probably saved my life.
You say he's the one, etc. Do you fight about the daughter and her discipline or do you hold it in about it and just get frustrated because he won't follow through? You may be happy now, but just try to remember that resentment may follow in a few to many years down the road. 1 1/2 years is not that long to be together.
I hope all works out for you, but I can see that this is going to be a long, windy, bumpy road.
I want only to ask 1 thing about this - Did he leave her for you? The animosity with that could be a really big problem with how she - the ex - wants to deal with issues with the daughter, and with you. If that is the case, it probably is best to have the fiance deal with the ex. But, you will be part of the daughter's family soon, and if at all possible, you and the fiance should meet with the ex.
Otherwise - Does "A" tolerate when you step in and help with the discipline? It really does seem like she is reaching out for some help. With her failing most everything at school, how is school going for her? Are there problems at school with bullies or anything like that? I know a lot of people would just look at the home situation, but there may be issues at school. What classes is she passing? Try to spark some interest in a hobby that might deal with those classes.
Try to find her a therapist for the depression she is obviously dealing with. And since she has made comments about killing herself, if she starts giving away prized possessions, keep a very close eye one her. And medication is not always a bad thing, just make sure that you and the therapist keeps tabs on how she responds. I went for about 11 years trying to deal with depression without medication and I can tell you that finally accepting medication probably saved my life.
You say he's the one, etc. Do you fight about the daughter and her discipline or do you hold it in about it and just get frustrated because he won't follow through? You may be happy now, but just try to remember that resentment may follow in a few to many years down the road. 1 1/2 years is not that long to be together.
I hope all works out for you, but I can see that this is going to be a long, windy, bumpy road.
Let me begin by saying I applaud your efforts here, but you can not solve the problem.
This has nothing to do with you.
This child's behavior is coming from her parents actions and reactions to her.
Her mom and dad split, moved on with their lives and somehow forgot about this child, each thinking the other one is taking care of this child the right way.
This child is doing these things to get attention from her parents, and with neither parent putting their foot down and setting any kind of rules, the child takes it as her parents don't care about her. She is telling you things, hoping you'll tell the father and the father will react in a postive way. If neither parent wakes up to deal with this child, she will eventually get into worse things, even dangerous things.
I agree the child needs some sort of discipline in her life, but under no circumstances are you to be the one to do it.
The moment you do, this child will resent you for it and hate you for it.
I suggest you have a heart to heart talk with your SO. the sooner, the better.
While you say now he is the ONE for you, he will become your worst nightmare later on.
If you're having a hard time with this now, how do you think you can marry this man, have his child in your home and not be able to discipline her for disrespecting you?
If you would ever tell this child "NO", she will resent you, run to daddy, and he'll say "YES", then you will feel betrayed by "THE ONE", start to resent him for disregarding your feelings, and the fighting will begin between you two.
Right now, you see the importance of staying out of it, simply because you are not married yet, but once you're married, you will not see the need to stay out of it, and it will only get worse.
I strongly urge you to reconsider a wedding until this man realizes there is a problem and decides to do something about it. Tell him you are willing to help him raise his daughter, but only if he will sue for sole custody..........i say this because as long as the mother hates you, she will use this child to cause problems between you, this man, and this child.
A discipline plan will never work unless all parties involved agree to the rules and agree to stick to the punishments.
I don't see the mother sticking to anything she thinks may have been your idea.
I feel your pain here, and i wish you well in this bad situation.
Please take the advice given here by these people, it's very hard for you to see the whole picture as you are on the inside.
I say it again, the first you need to do is talk to this man, even tell him what his child has told you, and make him see that something has got to be done.
This has nothing to do with you.
This child's behavior is coming from her parents actions and reactions to her.
Her mom and dad split, moved on with their lives and somehow forgot about this child, each thinking the other one is taking care of this child the right way.
This child is doing these things to get attention from her parents, and with neither parent putting their foot down and setting any kind of rules, the child takes it as her parents don't care about her. She is telling you things, hoping you'll tell the father and the father will react in a postive way. If neither parent wakes up to deal with this child, she will eventually get into worse things, even dangerous things.
I agree the child needs some sort of discipline in her life, but under no circumstances are you to be the one to do it.
The moment you do, this child will resent you for it and hate you for it.
I suggest you have a heart to heart talk with your SO. the sooner, the better.
While you say now he is the ONE for you, he will become your worst nightmare later on.
If you're having a hard time with this now, how do you think you can marry this man, have his child in your home and not be able to discipline her for disrespecting you?
If you would ever tell this child "NO", she will resent you, run to daddy, and he'll say "YES", then you will feel betrayed by "THE ONE", start to resent him for disregarding your feelings, and the fighting will begin between you two.
Right now, you see the importance of staying out of it, simply because you are not married yet, but once you're married, you will not see the need to stay out of it, and it will only get worse.
I strongly urge you to reconsider a wedding until this man realizes there is a problem and decides to do something about it. Tell him you are willing to help him raise his daughter, but only if he will sue for sole custody..........i say this because as long as the mother hates you, she will use this child to cause problems between you, this man, and this child.
A discipline plan will never work unless all parties involved agree to the rules and agree to stick to the punishments.
I don't see the mother sticking to anything she thinks may have been your idea.
I feel your pain here, and i wish you well in this bad situation.
Please take the advice given here by these people, it's very hard for you to see the whole picture as you are on the inside.
I say it again, the first you need to do is talk to this man, even tell him what his child has told you, and make him see that something has got to be done.
- Thread starter
- #26
First of all I want to thank everyone who posted advice for me on this topic . I have to say when I read it all through I was saying to myself "they don't know him " , and you don't . However , through many sleepless nights I came to the conclusion that you were right on the whole getting married before this issue was somewhat resolved thing.
Someone asked if my SO left his wife for me , the answer is no . The great thing about our relationship is that we can tell each other anything and not hold it against the other . COMMUNICATION is the key to happieness . That being said I told him that before we got married I wanted him to sit down w/ his ex and figure out a plan . He agreed , with some reluctance to do it . His story is much different from most . He got his ex pregnant and his dad told him he had to do the right thing , so he did , for 18 yrs. He traveled alot because there was no work in the state , but he loved it because he didn't have to be around her . He makes good money , yet he was always broke because she spent it . She was a stay at home mom , who never cleaned the house (I can verify this ) . She goes out of her way to bad mouth me in front of her children (big no no ) and only calls when she needs money . Sorry it's so long , just wanted to clarify some things . Oh and p. s. her mom is doing nothing about the bad grades , my SO said he didn't want to be the bad guy because he was afraid "A" would'nt want to visit any more .
THAN YOU ALL !!
Someone asked if my SO left his wife for me , the answer is no . The great thing about our relationship is that we can tell each other anything and not hold it against the other . COMMUNICATION is the key to happieness . That being said I told him that before we got married I wanted him to sit down w/ his ex and figure out a plan . He agreed , with some reluctance to do it . His story is much different from most . He got his ex pregnant and his dad told him he had to do the right thing , so he did , for 18 yrs. He traveled alot because there was no work in the state , but he loved it because he didn't have to be around her . He makes good money , yet he was always broke because she spent it . She was a stay at home mom , who never cleaned the house (I can verify this ) . She goes out of her way to bad mouth me in front of her children (big no no ) and only calls when she needs money . Sorry it's so long , just wanted to clarify some things . Oh and p. s. her mom is doing nothing about the bad grades , my SO said he didn't want to be the bad guy because he was afraid "A" would'nt want to visit any more .
THAN YOU ALL !!
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be so carefull be so careful what you confine in him.. love has a way of "replaying" these little juicy tidbits later on.. trust me on this.. for you too..
cute caring lilttle confidences have a way of growing into fury later on in years.
be so carefull be so careful what you confine in him.. love has a way of "replaying" these little juicy tidbits later on.. trust me on this.. for you too..
cute caring lilttle confidences have a way of growing into fury later on in years.
I am a stepmom, and believe me-it can and will get A LOT WORSE if you don't take care of it NOW! Your fiance needs to step up and "be the bad guy", aka PARENT! He's afraid she won't want to visit?? Well, he traveled forever- maybe she thought he didn't want to visit! (sorry I sound so hostile, maybe you'll understand as you read on...)
I'm very frustrated with my husband, because, he and his daughter's mother (they were never married) neither one wanted to keep tabs on their daughter, "be the bad guy"- and now guess what?? She is barely 16 (birthday in August) and is going to have a baby! (due 2-22-08) This child doesn't have a clue what she's in for! I do not want to raise another baby, but her mother is so unstable, ie. can't keep a job, roof over her head, and has been in our local paper for domestic violence issues with her boyfriend!
I love this child, and my heart is breaking for her. Like A, for many years she lived with her mother part of the time, and here part of the time (and in my SD's case with her brother and his girlfriend part of the time) and no one really knew what she was doing, or where she was at all times.
I'll stop ranting/rambling now, but trust the advice you have been given-don't marry until this is resolved.
I'm very frustrated with my husband, because, he and his daughter's mother (they were never married) neither one wanted to keep tabs on their daughter, "be the bad guy"- and now guess what?? She is barely 16 (birthday in August) and is going to have a baby! (due 2-22-08) This child doesn't have a clue what she's in for! I do not want to raise another baby, but her mother is so unstable, ie. can't keep a job, roof over her head, and has been in our local paper for domestic violence issues with her boyfriend!
I love this child, and my heart is breaking for her. Like A, for many years she lived with her mother part of the time, and here part of the time (and in my SD's case with her brother and his girlfriend part of the time) and no one really knew what she was doing, or where she was at all times.
I'll stop ranting/rambling now, but trust the advice you have been given-don't marry until this is resolved.
- Mar 25, 2007
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Will add just one more word of warning:
EVERYONE thinks that their situation is special, different, and whatever bad thing happened to other people won't happen to them. Everyone. And they are always shocked, shocked! when it actually does happen to them.
Since you are a union electrical worker: How many anti-union people do you know who think they will NEVER have an employer who is exploitative and provides unsafe working conditions, and they will ALWAYS be able to find another job with better working conditions if they don't like what they've got? How many anti-union people do you know who believe they will ALWAYS be able to fix, negotiate or leave a bad work environment?
Everyone thinks that THEIR precious angel kid will NEVER be a bully, a brat, or need corporal punishment. At most, they might admit that Junior "has some emotional problems but is a nice kid deep down inside, where only I can see it," even if their unsocialized little monster acts like a demon on crystal meth and has already killed three other people.
Nobody thinks that THEIR spouse/SO will ever abuse them, steal their money, leave them for their 20something secretary, or any of the other despicable things that spouses can do. Everyone thinks their case is special.
I'm not saying that your fiance is a bad guy or will ever do anything bad to you--I'm saying, don't think for one minute that somehow YOU are an exception and unlike everyone else in the world, YOU will be lucky and not have any problems. Don't think that we all get this advice by watching Oprah or something; most of us have learned this stuff the hard way, and we never thought it would happen to us either. When you accept that bad things happen and love is sometimes NOT all you need, it's a lot easier to get to work on fixing things and making them better in the long run.
EVERYONE thinks that their situation is special, different, and whatever bad thing happened to other people won't happen to them. Everyone. And they are always shocked, shocked! when it actually does happen to them.
Since you are a union electrical worker: How many anti-union people do you know who think they will NEVER have an employer who is exploitative and provides unsafe working conditions, and they will ALWAYS be able to find another job with better working conditions if they don't like what they've got? How many anti-union people do you know who believe they will ALWAYS be able to fix, negotiate or leave a bad work environment?
Everyone thinks that THEIR precious angel kid will NEVER be a bully, a brat, or need corporal punishment. At most, they might admit that Junior "has some emotional problems but is a nice kid deep down inside, where only I can see it," even if their unsocialized little monster acts like a demon on crystal meth and has already killed three other people.
Nobody thinks that THEIR spouse/SO will ever abuse them, steal their money, leave them for their 20something secretary, or any of the other despicable things that spouses can do. Everyone thinks their case is special.
I'm not saying that your fiance is a bad guy or will ever do anything bad to you--I'm saying, don't think for one minute that somehow YOU are an exception and unlike everyone else in the world, YOU will be lucky and not have any problems. Don't think that we all get this advice by watching Oprah or something; most of us have learned this stuff the hard way, and we never thought it would happen to us either. When you accept that bad things happen and love is sometimes NOT all you need, it's a lot easier to get to work on fixing things and making them better in the long run.
His story is much different from most . He got his ex pregnant and his dad told him he had to do the right thing , so he did , for 18 yrs. He traveled alot because there was no work in the state , but he loved it because he didn't have to be around her . He makes good money , yet he was always broke because she spent it . She was a stay at home mom , who never cleaned the house (I can verify this ) . She goes out of her way to bad mouth me in front of her children (big no no ) and only calls when she needs money .
This is not a very different story. Lots of folks I went to high school with tell the same story. Lots of folks here can probably tell a similar story. This happens all the time. You do not want to assume that things will magically be different for you. This story should tell you that he is impulsive (got ex pregnant young, presumably when they did not have a stable relationship), that he is easily led (went on to marry someone he did not love or have a good relationship with, for 18 years--he could have stood up to Dad and mailed child support checks), that he does not stick up for himself much, that he is not fiscally responsible (gave all his money to the irresponsible wife while knowing she was not going to spend it responsibly), and finally that he does not have any spine to stick up for YOU unasked or make any effort to fix problems in relationships.
I'm sorry I'm being so harsh, but I would worry that after you are married, when you DO have a problem (one will happen, if you are married for any serious amount of time--illness, accidents, money issues happen to us all), he will not be there trying to work things out. That takes emotional strength and it's a lot of work, and it's a lot more than just communication. I can talk to my husband all I want about, say, the electric bills, but if he just sits there and agrees with me, then never actually turns off lights when he leaves a room, it doesn't do any good.
This is not a very different story. Lots of folks I went to high school with tell the same story. Lots of folks here can probably tell a similar story. This happens all the time. You do not want to assume that things will magically be different for you. This story should tell you that he is impulsive (got ex pregnant young, presumably when they did not have a stable relationship), that he is easily led (went on to marry someone he did not love or have a good relationship with, for 18 years--he could have stood up to Dad and mailed child support checks), that he does not stick up for himself much, that he is not fiscally responsible (gave all his money to the irresponsible wife while knowing she was not going to spend it responsibly), and finally that he does not have any spine to stick up for YOU unasked or make any effort to fix problems in relationships.
I'm sorry I'm being so harsh, but I would worry that after you are married, when you DO have a problem (one will happen, if you are married for any serious amount of time--illness, accidents, money issues happen to us all), he will not be there trying to work things out. That takes emotional strength and it's a lot of work, and it's a lot more than just communication. I can talk to my husband all I want about, say, the electric bills, but if he just sits there and agrees with me, then never actually turns off lights when he leaves a room, it doesn't do any good.
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