Need an ear, and maybe some relationship advice.

[redhen]

Quote:

It IS hard..

 

[spacecowgirl]

I have read this entire thread, and I have to say I agree with every post! Aren't we all lucky to have such a wonderful support group here on BYC?

I hope you take all this advice to heart, and realize that the situation you are in WILL NOT get better. I have personal experience with this as well, as I got married at a very early age, for all the wrong reasons. I met him when I was about 18 and I'd been unhappy with him for three years...but I thought I could change him. He was damaged...I would save him.

Well, though he proposed a few times, I always said "no", even though we were already living together. ( I know I'm making myself sound terrible, here ).. I knew he wasn't really what wanted, but I had settled.

Well, then I got pregnant. As soon as I found out, I said, "well, I guess we're getting married"...no excitment about it whatsoever, just a "shotgun" wedding.

We married within the week, and the next two years were a nightmare. I knew he was a lazy bum and a loser before, ( no work ethic or motivation, etc ) but he became 100 and 10 percent worse after we got married. I won't go into all the details, but I can honestly tell you I didn't have one single happy day. He was mentally, emotionally, and on occasion, physically abusive, and, with the help of my father, I got the courage to leave him, as I hope you do with your current "boyfriend"....

Do I regret marrying him? Yes. 100%.

Do I regret the time I "wasted" in that relationship? No, not really, because I learned a very valuable lesson about what a relationship is, and isn't about.

I'm happy to say my new husband and I are eight years in, and are perfectly content. We both give to eachother and the relationship, and have actually never even had a fight! You deserve the same treatment, not what you're getting now.

Go to California! Travel! Meet people and enjoy your life the way you want to. You will find the right guy...don't waste the rest of your life by settling.

 

[dahlia333]

From my experience when you date different people you learn more about yourself and what things are important for a happy relationship.....what you can and cannot live with. Date more people!

 

[they'reHISchickens]

Have you noticed that not one person has recommended that you try and stay and work things out? Listen to your gut, it's telling you something for a reason!

 

[calicokat]

My cousin is in this same spot, only it's gone on far longer and they have a 7 year old together. He's not changing. In my cousin's case, he does try to change and things get better for awhile -- but usually after a big crisis where threats of divorce are made. I even remember him coming to a family get together . . .. . once. But over time, his older habits/personality edge out the "trying to change" and it's all back to him in a back bedroom being anti-social, and her wondering what to do about it. It is who he is, and it's how he's always been. They've been married about 15 years now, and maybe happy for 3 or 4 of them total.

Thing is she (and you) can't do anything about someone else. You can only make changes in and make decisions for yourself. Like another poster said, time to evaluate what you are and are not willing to live with . . . .for the rest of your life.

 

[mulewagon]

I'll tell you, from my experience - being alone when you're with somebody is miserable and devastating. But being really alone - by yourself - just you and your pets and what you want to do - is delightful! Such a sense of relief!

It seems backwards, but that's the way it works. Get to California, learn in the wilderness, then hit the road and explore the other side of the world! Make new friends, send tons of pics to your old friends, tour every museum on the continent. Don't miss the Appalachians and the Gulf, the prettiest places in the world!

Goodness, you have the whole world in front of you! Get out, live. Move to another country if you want - you can ship pets. Go, go, go and don't look back...

 

[artsy1]

well.noone said......marry him.......i've been married 3 times. the last one stuck ....................in april it will be 20 years........of a happy marriage.
Guess where I met the man of my dreams? church.
don't make a mistake like i did...listen to your gut.
you are young................go have more adventures.............you are awesome....................live...............girl ..............live

 

[BigDaddy'sGurl]

I won't add my story as it reads much like so many others here...

Okay, maybe I will since you insist LOL

I met a guy online, I was young and on the rebound, and moved him in a month later. Knew he wasn't "the one" but thought that with time I would feel "the spark" with him... really I was afraid to be alone.

Married him (after he had to beg and talk me out of the car: did I mention I was young?) some 8 months of rocky relationship later, and surprise surprise, he left me in debt, with a 6 month old baby and another on the way a little over a year later. I didn't end the relationship because again, I was afraid to be alone. So, for 7 long years I was a single mom, struggled to make ends meet, my kids' dad is a deadbeat who never paid support and missed visits, etc., all because I was afraid.

Now I found the man I do feel "the spark" with. Knew it almost immediately. Married within 4 months of dating, he is the dad my kids deserved, and 3 years later, I am more in love with him than I could ever imagine being... I am blessed, but I wasted my first efforts on someone because I was afraid.

Life is simply too short to spend with someone who makes you have such sincere (and warranted) doubts. I know it will be hard, I know it will hurt and be scary, but you DO deserve more than he is willing to offer you at this time.

 

[DelcoChix]

so, here's one more to add to the growing list of ".....if in doubt, don't" group. A wedding is a one day event, a marriage is a lifetime commitment. When you get engaged there should be no doubts about the person you are planning to spend the rest of your life with. You are marrying them as is, not as you hope they will be. You should be friends and sharing some interests is a good thing--but the biggest thing is God first, spouse/children, second, family, friends and others third...then yourself last...If he does not believe as you do, you are doomed. When he puts himself in front of you before you're married, wearing a ring and speaking a few words aren't going to change that. Sounds like you have grown up in the last 7 years...and he's still 16.
You sound pretty wise, putting yourself out here and asking for insight--well done. As Beekissed said, you will find all the answers to relationships in the Bible...you're not alone it this
Best wishes--it's going to be alright.
PS: I've been happily married for 21+ years...never looked back and had regrets. He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me.

 

[Carols Clucks]

My suggestion to you: do you think he is depressed or has some kind of social fear that he is hiding while hiding in his room?

Since you are still on the fence about what to do about him, you might want to step back and see if that is the issue. You are not going to change him! If he is happy with himself, he is not going to want to change either. But if he is unhappy and hiding from the world, then maybe some one turning on the light for him will help him to seek help on his own.

I would focus on my future if I were you, if he leaves you-say thanks and keep looking forward to a better future. If he decides that he wants to join you in a better future, invite him a long for the ride.