Need some advice on a friendship issue...

[vfem]

Well, my best friend, since I was 16 has been on a selfish, high strung, crazy person streak since she broke up with her daughter's father. They were together, and engaged but never married, for 6 1/2 years. Their daughter is 4 1/2. When she decided to leave him she was going through some rough times with another ex taking her to court and stalking her on made up things. He has mental problems, and because she felt sorry for him she dated him and barely got out of it in one piece. Nearly 10 years later he's still popping up bothering her.

So that trauma effected her relationship at the time, and she was so separated from him, she said he just didn't understand her anymore... and wasn't fufilling her emotional needs anymore. Of course, she met someone, and they talked in secret every night until she decided it was time to move on. I was left out of this last part... as it turns out, this someone was my ex-fiancee who was NO good for me... and not to mention NO good for the 4-5 friends of mine he dated after he left me. I KNOW he's going to be no good for her either. He's needy, he's one of those guys who convinces a girl she needs no one else but him, separates her from the friends she loves and her family... because... again, they couldn't possibly need anyone but him. He's jealous, and he's a real jerk to boot. Too many of his ex's came to me crying like I could fix him or explain why he does what he does... after 10 years, I still can not get him out of my life! He continuously connects with friends of mine... I don't get? She refuses to see that either!

I've voiced my opinions she should stay away from him, but she won't listen... so her second option was to leave me out of if for the sake of our friendship. Apparently, he hates me so much he would prefer she didn't talk to me (see a pattern), also got her to stop talking to 2 mutual friends of ours (the pattern continues). Now she's bugging me to please be involved with them, please be the adult around him... she needs to me to be the 'better' person and please spend time with both of them... no matter how NASTY he is. (and he is!)

With all this said, I think I'm going to be the lesser person (this has been going on for 10 months now), I want to end the friendship... though I am going to miss her and her daughter terribly. I have helped her with food, and cleaning and moving and bills... and she can't seem to get on her feet on her own... she can't seem to do anything but be wreckless and cling to this guy. She admits he's a child, and selfish... and then she demands after all the hurt and pain he caused me, that I act like an adult, because she can't expect it from him?

Now her ex tells me he checked her email, and found her emailing wedding chapels asking for an available date in the next 2 months?!

I want to scream at her, yell, act like a child I suppose... rather then that I am ignoring her phone calls for the last 2 weeks...

I don't know how to go about this? My other friends say what she's doing is bad for her, to me and bad for her family... and I just can't stop her from jumping off this cliff. So how do I get out of this???

P.s. - there is even more to this, but this is all that I really need to get into now.

 

[chickensducks&agoose]

Sounds like you've done enough. Wash your hands of it, you can't help her anymore. I hope that she and her daughter are safe. but you need to move on.

 

[vfem]

Yeah... I know it... I just don't know how to go about it. I don't want to scream and yell and be all angry, even though I am. I want to chose my words, and I want to be prepared for how sad I am going to be... and I will be very sad. Its like ripping off a bandaid... its going to hurt so you put it off.

 

[herfrds]

From personal experience. Stay out of it until she hits bottom and he is gone and she needs you.
Just keep tabs on her, but stay away as long as he is in the picture.
Hard to do, I know.

You cannot talk sense into a person in this situation.

 

[redhen]

I'd just stay out of it.. its not your problem anymore..(thankfully!)
She'll learn..she'll learn... all you can do is be there for her when its over ...
I wouldnt end my friendship with her though.. unless shes done something to me...
Has she done anything bad to you??
But i also would NOT be hanging out with the 2 of them either...

OOh and stop helping her... shes made her bed.. let her live with it like a big girl...

 

[sourland]

Just let her go. Make a conscious decision to delete her from your life and move on. Don't confront her, don't give advice just move on. He has been dragging you down, and apparently so has she. It sort of appears like a one sided friendship. Stop giving of yourself.

 

[darkmatter]

"You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can't pick your friends nose."

Sometimes you just gotta let your friends go their own way regardless of past associations.

 

[Elite Silkies]

I would simply tell her that you have both reached a point in your lives that it is time to move on. Tell her that you love her and her baby, but for your well being, you must let her go.

I'm sorry, a true friend would not expect what she is expecting from you. I really can't even see how she could be in a relationship with him in the first place. Friends don't do that to Friends.

I hope that you find a solution that will work with you and keep your heart at peace. Do what is right for you. At this point, you really can not consider her feelings. I don't think she is thinking rationally.

 

[FlashPointFarm]

Best thing to do is say nothing hurtful. So, if that means not talking to her, so be it. She may not be rational enough to take some constructive criticism. Ignoring her calls is the right thing to do, it sounds like.

I also think dating your friend's ex's is very tacky. It makes everyone involved uncomfortable. Your friend's ex's should be off limits, no matter what.

 

[SilverPhoenix]

Quote:
Yes, this is what I think as well. Be there for her if she really needs you when this all falls apart, but otherwise I'd stay out of it. You've done enough and it has to be left up to her now.

These types of situations are so hard! It's difficult to just stand by and watch them get hurt, but they don't listen to voices of reason (and often "shoot the messenger" so to speak) so there's really no way to make it so nobody gets hurt. Don't cut yourself off from her completely, but just stay out of things for now.