Need some advice on a friendship issue...

[vfem]

I've been going through the ignore it phase... I thought that was fair... but this 'be the better person' thing she keeps saying is too much!

I just got off the phone with her sister, she is going to call me on the way home... I've been friends with her for 16 years and she completely agrees with me and her ex. She's all about taking sides when I wouldn't... however, she's the sister, she can judge and say what she wants and always still be family.

I just wanted to be left out as I've already said my piece.

How long until rock bottom I wonder?

 

[TigerLilly]

Did your "friends" stand by you when you were with this control-freak? Did they date him while you were still with him? Did they happen to ask for your blessing or let you know they wanted to date him before they did? If you answered no, yes, no...then you might need to re-evaluate the "friends" you seem to have. If you didn't answer that way, thank God that you do have friends.
As far as this one goes, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. If she was there for you with the man, she already knows what she's in for, even if she's thinking that he's changed or she can change him. I agree with most of what everyone else has posted. If she's really dear to you, step back & stay in the shadows as much as you can. You both need to realize that even best friends are not always going to see eye-to-eye on things and this is a big "thing." By all means, be there to help pick up the pieces, don't judge. But let her know why you feel the way you do & tell her that when (not if) she needs you, you'll be there, no matter how long it takes.
You also need to think of yourself. Stress & drama are not good for anyone. As hard as it may be, step back & let nature take its course.
Good luck

 

[noodleroo]

For him to have dated that many of your friends, you must all be in a pretty small town. There's a great big world of wonderful things outside those city limits. I would tell her this:

"I love you and your daughter. I don't believe your relationship with 'so-and-so' is healthy for you or your daughter, but its your decision. I made my decision not to have 'so-and-so' in my life and if you are determined to continue your relationship with him, then I wish you the best; I just can't be a part of it."

You have no control over what she does and you probably have very limited influence. The best you can do is save yourself from her toxic relationship, not her or her daughter.

She sounds like someone that has had an abusive past. People who live through abuse from a young age sometimes confuse the pain that they know with 'love'. Especially when the people that are supposed to 'love' them continually hurt them. She probably always attracts men that fit her understanding of 'love', doesn't she?

Its sad...

 

[SarahFair]

Danged if you do, Danged if you dont.


I told my friend I think she has a drug problem that she needs help with and I cant put myself or my family around it any longer..
She then accused me of calling her a junkie, betraying her at the time she needed me most (which was months before I told her this), etc.
Now months later she still wont talk to me and the first time I saw her I tried giving a friendly smile and she stuck her nose up at me.....


So whats better for me? Being in a toxic friendship or knowing I did the best thing by telling her what no one else will (aka being a true best friend)?
I think I chose the right path... and I think you will too

 

[noodleroo]

Quote:
Good girl...I think you did exactly the right thing...

 

[cassie]

Give her two books as a gift. The Sociopath Next Door and Without Conscience. Then distance yourself. You might read the books before you give them to her though. Give you some insight. Once when I was involved in a similar situation, a social worker, who was a friend of mine, told me you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. You can't always prevent a train wreck. All you can do is get out of the way and maybe, if you are so inclined, help pick up the pieces.

 

[justbugged]

The person that is planning to get married to your stalker ex is looking for anyone that will validate her position. Of course you qualify for the job; you helped bail her out the last few times from what I read. So she figures that if she leans on you enough, you will cave in and give her support again. For the guy will getting back at you again for not taking care of him all these years will be just a sweet bonus for him. It sounds like you know what you are going to need to do. It is okay to ignore these two. You can't fix everyone. You clearly have a big heart, and want to help however you can, but there are some people that the best help you can give them is none. As long as you continue to help them out, they will be victims.

It is like parents that cling to their children long past adulthood. These people are often not allowed to ever be adults. The parents will coddle and continue to care for them as though they are small children. So that by the time they should be able to provide for themselves and care for children of their own, that these Adult/Infants, are now only capable of remaining home with their parents. The Adult/Infants will throw tantrums and be incapable of any means caring for themselves, and yet will want their immediate desires catered to. They will rely on anyone around them to care for those needs, and will look for people that will fall for their behaviors, so that they can have instant gratification of their wants. They in effect become retarded. So as long as they can manipulate the adults around them they will. As long as someone will feel sorry for them, and bail them out again, there is no reason for them to grow up get a job and support themselves, and their offspring. These people are retarded by their own behavior. It doesn't sound as though they are people of limited intelligence, or physically handicapped. Yet they are living as though they are both.

Having had a daughter that was both of limited intelligence and physically handicapped, it burns me to watch apparently normal intelligent adults acting like they need to use up others time and energy. There are enough people that really need help, that it would be better to spend your time with someone that really needs, and wants the help and love you have to offer. I can tell that these two will suck you dry, use up your resources, and never appreciate anything you do. She is not a friend she is a vampire, that will suck you dry, and then she will still be p#@sed off that you didn't do more. These people will say, and do all the right words, as long as you are doing what they want you to do. As soon as you stop, they will turn on you like a pack of dogs, on a chicken.

I would cut your losses now, it won't change the outcome. The trick for you will be filling up the emotional hole which her loss will make for you. You have spent quite a bit of time caring for her and her daughter so there will be a gap in your life. I think the hardest part about letting go will be the not knowing how the story ends. But you can always hope that in a few years, she will come back a be able to say that not helping her out was the best thing that could of ever happened to her.

 

[littlefarm_bighappy]

Waittasecond.....you are going on info from an ex of hers that he has because he snooped her email??


This is drama with a capital D, and it sounds like NO ONE in this story has any boundaries.

Also... just because the Ex was bad for you and 4 or 5 of your friends (this didn;t bother you either?) doesn't mean he should never date again..

The whole thing seems very, very weird, and it sounds like the dating pool in your area is rather small......

 

[PineappleMama]

Quote:
Sums it up pretty well I think. I've seen similar things with my Sis and Mom and they will not listen to ANYONE. Even if it means losing their kids, foster care, etc it doesn't matter only the guy does. Until they get that out of their head there's nothing you or I or even CPS can do.

Kinda like cigs... you KNOW they're bad for you, but your body craves the poison... try repeatedly to quit... but it's not just physical addiction but mental too... it's all wrapped up in your body and mind and until you can break free you're trapped. Or booze, or drugs... pick an addiction... grown adult, you know the stats, the medical info, you know your lung capacity/etc is being effected... and yet you still light up, pop that top, roll that joint... not a druggy, terrified of alcoholism, but I do smoke so I'm speaking from observations of family and personal experience on that one... the similarities are SCARY... and just like with those things an intervention, AA, NA, patches, etc will only work if the person WANTS them to work...

You tried an intervention... other friends have tried... family has tried... being a good friend/sister/etc does NOT mean handing someone the needle because they 'need' it... supporting them when you know they're doing something bad for them is NOT helping... like others said, she's wanting justification and if she doesn't get it then maybe, just maybe, she'll have to take off the blinders and see things as they really are.

Her trying to tell you that to be the bigger person you should shoot up with her is NOT cool... she is NOT your friend... keep that image in your mind and maybe it'll help you stay strong...

Just Say No!

 

[vfem]

Quote:
The problem is its not small.. it feels as if he searches people out like that. I am not taking the word of her ex as law either... but I do realize the more I try to pretend they aren't dating the more things come up that they are. Just two people hanging out with our circle of friends who felt sorry for one another and started dating. As for the 4-5 friends, they weren't my best friend, and I really don't have contact with them anymore now I think of it. He honestly can date whomever he wants... I even told him on several ocassions I wish him well, and I meant it. If this makes them happy "I want no part of it". And I've tried to go about our friendship like this crazy situation isn't even happening. I can do it no more.

I think the point isn't the situation itself its the fact that I've politely refused to talk on the topic, and she is desperately trying to get me to put my 'rubber stamp' of OK on this situation.

SarahFair, I am sorry to hear about your situation. She does sound like someone who has gone toxic because of the fear of change, and anyone who notes what she is doing is 'judging'. I have fear she will plow into a wall on her own soon enough, hopefully she'll just get banged up a bit, but enough to seek help and maybe seek your understanding and forgiveness someday.

Cassie, I believe she's actually read the first one! Her ex who forced her into a sad downfall last year is DEFINITELY that guy! She had much theropy and help over the years with he bad choices, but I don't think she really took in everything she tried to get from those sessions. I wouldn't give her a book or try to make her out to be crazy or the queen of mistake making, I know she needs to learn on her own, if she really wanted my opinion and help on this... she'd ask for it, so I don't want to preach.

So I guess I should just tell her we need some time apart for obvious reasons, and someday, if she needs me... I'll be here right where she left me.