Need some advice on a friendship issue...

[booker81]

(((big hugs)))

I had to let go of a friend of...about 18 years or so (since 6th grade of school), a while back. It sounded a lot like your situation, without her having a child, but with the weird dating stuff, strange actions, DRAMA, etc. When she "needed" me, I was right there, and you can bet I did all I could for her when she needed it.

When I needed a friend, she was busy, a lot. Like the time I was home with our 9 month old daughter, and my husband was called for hurricane work for a month....I just wanted a friend to come and spend the day with me, that's all. She was "tired", and then had to get ready to go to the bar later.....

I still would come running to her aid, in all the stupid situations she got into, until hubby put his foot down. I will bet when you get a chance to talk to your husband, you might be surprised (or not) to find that he's got a better view of what is going on, and he's probably sick and tired of sharing you with someone who doesn't care for you as much as he love ya.

My husband told me he never wanted my now ex friend to step foot in our house ever again. She hasn't, and my life has been a LOT calmer and nice since I walked away from such a toxic person. It was really, really hard, but I just put the energy I'd been directing at her, back, and focused more on my family.

 

[vfem]

Well, I do believe I deserve some time to get comfortable with what is going on. We'd been friends since I was 16... which is when I moved here! Anyways, after feeling so disrespected for so long its just going to take a little while to get back into a groove. I've done my last 'favor' that goes unpaid. I also realized I do run out of patience! I'm stretched thin enough with my immediate family and the in-laws... wow... those are the things that friends are supposed to be there to get you through.

Well hubby is working today to get that contract done if he can. He's been working from 7 to 9pm since Monday, when he gets home tonight... no matter how tired he is... I'm going to try to get him to sit down and listen to me. I think maybe that will really change how I feel.

But just so people understand, she and I have several mutual friends who have already chosen to stop speaking with her. Her own sister and her have not spoken in 5 months over this. I hate being just another casualty!!! "So mote it be...."

 

[chicken_china_mom]

Sometimes friends just grow apart. People that are your friends in childhood are not necessarily meant to be your friends when you become an adult. I had to learn this lesson the hard way. I had a friend that I met my freshman year of high school. We hit it off immediately. She was talkative, friendly, if a bit too aggressive, bubbly, and we got along great. We survived all the drama of having boyfriends, and I was her biggest support when, at 19, she got pregnant by this louse, a gang banger that verbally and physically abused her. I helped her when she needed help, but she is strong and never really needed too much help. She broke up with that guy basically in the hospital an hour after the baby was born, and moved on with her life. Somewhere along the line she got this idea in her head that she needed to move up in the world. She got a decent job while living in the basement of her parents' house where she and her daughter lived, but on weekends we would get together and go to this country nightclub (mostly because she loved it), and we'd have a few drinks and I'd watch her sing karaoke. When I met my kids father, she instantly hated him. I think that was the beginning of the end for our friendship. She did help me through a lot of drama, and she was there for me when I got pregnant with my first daughter. When I was 5 months pregnant, her b-day rolled around and she wanted to go to the country nightclub for her b-day. As her best friend, of course I went. I sat at the table with all her friends, drinking cranberry juice while they did shots and got drunk, and somehow some people ended up at our table that were like friends of friends, and there was this guy that was with them, a nice looking guy, and if I wasn't pregnant and in a relationship at that time, I might have been interested in him, but my friend, well, she locked eyes on him, and that was it. He was HERS. She flirted, and flirted hard with him. She dragged him on the dance floor and rubbed herself all over him and was writing her name on his hand, and just basically throwing herself at him. I won't say I'm the best judge of people, or how they are reacting, but to me, he did not look interested. In fact, he looked like he couldn't wait to get away from her. She began stalking the club, watching for him, and every time she'd catch him there, she'd force herself on him. Eventually his willpower weakened, and they started dating. I sat back and watched, and I knew it was a train wreck waiting to happen. He didn't want to seriously commit to her, but she wasn't going to let him leave. When he tried to get her to loosen her grip and make it an open relationship where they could date other people, she pretended to go along with it, but he met someone else. He had promised my friend that he wouldn't sleep with anyone but her, but heck, even I knew he wasn't holding up to THAT bargain! I couldn't talk an ounce of sense into her. When she found out about the other woman, she was furious. Open relationship or not, he belonged to HER. SO what did she do? She got pregnant. Yup. She hit below the belt in my opinion. She openly admitted to me that she had done it to get him to leave the other girl and be only with her (Yes, the baby was his). I was shocked and appalled that she did that. At this point I was close to the end of my pregnancy. Now that she had a lock on him, suddenly she had no time for me. My baby shower came, she had advance notice from my baby's father (he threw it, it was a surprise for me), but she chose the exact day of my shower to be the day that they went and told his parents that she was pregnant. And apparently it took her ALL day to do that. My daughter was born on October 28th, 1998. She didn't come to see me in the hospital, but that one I understood-she had lost the baby and while I was in the hospital having my baby, she was at another hospital getting a D & C. I felt awful about that, but I kid you not, exactly one week later, she was pregnant again. I know she did that on purpose, before he had a chance to recognize his freedom and run. Her son was born 9 months later, about 3 months before my younger daughter was born (my girls are back to back). She was still living in her parents basement, but suddenly that became not good enough for her. He had an apartment. She wanted it. So she told him that if he wanted to stay in his son's life, she had better be allowed to move in. He gave in, and when the baby was about 2 months old, she and the two kids moved into his tiny, one bedroom apartment. Next step in her plan? Can you guess? Yep, she wanted to lock him down for life. She told him that if he wanted to stay in the baby's life, he had better marry her, or she was taking the kids (cause now he was raising her daughter like she was his) and leaving, and he'd never see the kids again. Yes, she literally gave him this ultimatum. He proposed and they were wed before the baby was 9 months old. I was her maid of honor, but I didn't support the wedding at all. I watched him change from a nice, polite, easy going guy into a monster. In the meantime, I was cut more and more out of her life. My first daughter's baptism? Nope. She didn't come. 1st b-day? Nope. New baby born? Nope, didn't come. 2nd baby's 1st b-day? Nope. My final straw was when my younger DD's baptism rolled around, and she promised up and down that she would be there, and...nothing. I was so hurt. I just stopped taking her calls, and trust me, she didn't call very often. She now felt that she was better than me because she had a $900 a month apartment, and she had a good looking husband (she was probably about 300lbs, a chain smoker with crude language when they got married), and had the 2.5 kids, and due to losing my job while pregnant, and my ex losing his job, we were living with my mother, and not married. She had started talking down to me, and I ignored it as long as I could, but man, I was ALWAYS there for her, ALWAYS, and she couldn't be there for me when I needed her the most. She constantly criticized me, and was always berating my childrens' father. She made me feel like I was worthless. Well, in 2006 I reconnected with another old friend from high school, one that had been a mutual friend, and she wanted to go see my old friend really bad and one afternoon while we were taking our kids to the zoo, she asked if we could swing by my friend's apartment since it's really close to the zoo. I begrudgingly agreed, but I said I would wait in the car with the kids. Well, once my old friend found out I was in the car, she came out and got me and made me come into the apartment. We weren't there for long, and that was fine, it didn't take me very long to realize that she hadn't changed much. But I found her entire life to be rather ironic. She had gone on to have one more kid with her husband, but their relationship had become so highly volatile that he was beating her regularly, and had begun hitting the kids. He was so miserable, and trapped, and knowing her personality like I did, in a way I pitied him. He stuck around for the kids, afraid she would never allow him to see them, but had grown to hate his own family. The day I visited, she said she was getting ready to file for a divorce. She was finally miserable enough to recognize that her fantasy has failed. We agreed to keep in touch, but we didn't. In fact, when I walked out the door of her apartment, I told the friend that I was with that I really didn't care if she continued to talk to our old friend, but I would not, and I would appreciate it if she would not talk about me to her, or any other old friends. She agreed, and it saddened her because as teens, we had been inseparable. I haven't talked to her since, but I do know that she is now living with a man that has 2 daughters of his own, and they are raising the 5 kids together. I don't know if she's happy, I don't know if her ex husband even has anything to do with the kids. Do I miss her? I miss the old her, the way she used to be, before she suddenly decided that she was better than me and everyone else. I still love her. I often think about her and the long phone conversations we used to have. I wish we could be friends again, but our lives truly did take us in different paths, and I don't think there is anything there anymore. Sometimes people just grow apart, and you have to move on with your life because it's what's best for you. I'm sorry your friend is acting like she is, and I completely agree that friends should NOT do to each other what your friend is doing to you. She should not be with your ex. It's just plain wrong. And she really is asking too much of you. Take a step back and let her fall on her own without you there to catch her and see how long she makes it. I don't see her being with him long term. I wish you luck, peace, and I hope you heal from the hurt quickly. It's been about 9 years now since I cut ties with my friend. I miss her every day, we were like sisters, but you do what you have to do to survive, and I wasn't going to let her destroy my spirit. Good luck.

 

[Cindiloohoo]

vfem...I'll be your friend hun

Sometimes folks just grow in different directions. This relationship would be encouraged into a different direction if it were my friend. She'll realize what she's missing one day. It hurts when you feel so little to someone who was once a huge part of your world, but it'll get better sister. Just hang in there.

 

[vfem]

You make it all seem so natural... but it still hurts for me. Even if its the way thing go. It just so much easier to think of growing apart as just not talking as much, and life happens. I don't like the thought that was over such petty things.

 

[booker81]

Oh hun, it's been over two years since I cut my ex-friend out, and I still want to help her sometimes (we work in the same company, live in the same town).

It sure as heck isn't easy! It's just more....peaceful.

 

[wildeflowers]

Quote:
Aw, hun, we know what it's like. Yes, it's easy for us to talk about it now, but it wasn't always like that. I have to tell you when I broke off with my friend (and she with me, so it was mutual, although she tried to be social with me again later), it was like ending a relationship. It was painful. It was so hard, but now I can tell you that it was the right thing, and better for all concerned, even her, I'm sure. I had been getting little hints all along, and I said, when you ignore the little taps on your shoulder, God will come along and kick you in the tush for not listening. I learned a LOT from that experience, and I am thankful for it because even though it was painful, I know I am a better person for it.

It certainly is not easy, but like booker said, you'll find peace in there somewhere if you do what is truly right for you, for your family, and even for her.

 

[FarmerJamie]

Okay, ladies, I'm going dare a thread diversion. Advice you have for a DH (and others) who sees his DW being taken advantage of in a "friendship", but when the issue was tactifully broached, WWIII erupted. Yes, some issues in the marriage, but nothing to cause this type of reaction. The "friend" was really helped (long story) by our family, then got on their feet and found other "friends" and as soon as they get a DUI, *bam* wants to be best friends again. Just a post or two would be fine, then back to your conversation. Thank you for listening!

 

[redhen]

Quote:
My advice is to stay out of your wifes friendship problems..
UNLESS it starts to cost your family money... (i.e. bailing someone out of a DUI or paying their bills..etc..)..than THAT becomes a family issue... and you DO have some say then...

Shes an adult.. and even though it may bother YOU to see your wife being taken advantage of.... its HER decision on what she wants to tolerate from her "friend"....
Just step back and trust your wife..
Make sense?

 

[FarmerJamie]

Quote:
...(i.e. bailing someone out of a DUI or paying their bills..etc..)..

you nailed it