need some constructive advice.

[hunterjumper999]

nevermind. i was ranting and raving.

 

[TriciaHowe]

First off

We kind of went through a similar thing here about 6 yrs ago. We lived 6 hrs away from our parents (hubby and I) when his mom was dx with stage 4 breast cancer. Luckily we have 5 acres, so we got a variance to put a mobile home on our property and moved them up here to us. We didn't want his dad to be alone when she passed. When she decided on palliative care we moved them up here. She went into hospice care and died 6 mths later. His dad was dx with Lewy Body dementia about a year later and still lives here with us...

I hope everything works out for all of you

 

[Rusty Hills Farm]

Sad. All of this is very sad. Having said that, I firmly believe my own kids are NOT responsible for my happiness or success in life. That is my own job. Fortunately for me, so far I think I've done it pretty well. But even if I hadn't, I know deep inside my own gut that my kids are SUPPOSED to move on and build their own lives. That's what you have done. That is what you are SUPPOSED to do. Do not feel guilty about it.

Keep calling. Keep caring. But accept that your mom is responsible for her own life and how it turns out. It really is up to her to make it work out. It's sad that her first marriage didn't work and her current partner is dying. But these things are a part of living. When life kicks us in the teeth, it really is up to us to pick ourselves up and find a way to go forward. We don't get to kick back and lay all our troubles on our kids and expect them to fix it for us. Do let her know that you care, but don't consider for a moment going back and "taking care of her". Instead urge her to make friends, explore new interests, and generally take charge of her life again. Heck, I know folks in their 90s who still do just that: They volunteer or they are invested in their churches or they start a bridge club or a book club--they keep on keeping on. My own mom was 84 when she passed and she was in the midst of writing a murder mystery and taking an online class to help her learn how to do it. She was living in a nursing home at the time because of a heart attack that left her wheelchair-bound but she never quit.

People are stronger than they ever realize and they will never realize how strong they are IF everybody rushes in to take care of them. Sure you make sure she has resources and you keep active tabs on her BUT you also encourage her to build a life for herself and interact with the people around her.

JMO


Rusty


PS If it matters, I'm 64.

 

[justbugged]

Quote:
Very wise observation. This statement is true no matter how young or old you are. A Parents job is to create self supporting contributing members of society. That should mean that by the time you are 20 to 24 years old or so that you are going to be able to do it. We should not raise children as part of a retirement plan. I know that I love my children and that they love us, but we are not planning on living together again. I can't even imagine what could happen to make something like ever happen. If god forbid it needs to happen, then we will have to have an adult relationship not parent and child.

It is okay to vent. Some days it keeps us from saying something we shouldn't, to someone that probably really deserves it.