Nice Girl syndrome... so true

[redhen]

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I'm so, so glad you got yourself and your kids out of there and have a new take on life.

X2!!! Good for you!!

 

[WickedNerd]

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It's not that simple! Just isnt. I have spent time in a shelter myself and I know it is NOT that simple. Lots of guilt over taking the kids away and self esteme issues going round and around in arguments and misery....life is too short to be a " Nice Girl" I now have my "big girl panties" on ....if I had the funding I would start my own shelter.

I completely agree. Many people just don't understand what a survivor has to cope with when leaving the situation.

As I said before, society puts a stigma on single mothers so that women are trained to believe that "If I can't make it work so that my child has their father around, I'm hurting them and I'm a bad mother." I listen to children from abused homes cry to their mothers in shelter, "Where's daddy? Why can't we go home to daddy?" or missing their home. It's not that simple and it breaks your heart for the mother and her children.

I know you know this, ChooksinChoppers, but since we're on the topic, I'm going to illuminate the shelter life for people who haven't experienced it. When fleeing to a shelter situation, women and children leave most of their belongings and creature comforts. Sometimes they come in with nothing more than the clothes on their back. I've had a mother come in at 3 am in nothing but a nightgown and her baby just had a diaper and a blanket because that's all she had time to grab. No money. No credit cards. No clothes. She comes to a big building where there are other children, some completely wild because their mother lost all sense of control because her abuser belittled her in front of her children and so she doesn't know how to get the children to respect her anymore. There's chaos, the beds are strange, you have to share a room with other women and children who you don't know. All you're left with once you finally get the children settled down are your thoughts. When you've been in abuse and have been scared to sleep for a good chunk of time, those are some of the scariest nights of your life. You don't know what you're going to do. You've been told you're worthless for so long you believe it on some level. Anyone would be afraid and overwhelmed. When people are both of those, their judgment can be clouded and they will sometimes go back. Unless you've been in it though, you can't judge them for it. Yes, the children are put in danger and DHR or CPS gets involved in a lot of these instances...but it's still not fair to judge.

I'm not a supporter of the extreme either. I don't agree with being a man-hater, Chickened. I really don't, even though I may come across as such. I'm against DV. I've had to work with male victims in shelter too. I am against people asserting power and control over people they're in a relationship with when the relationship should be a mutual partnership of love and respect. My BF and I have that kind of relationship. I support his decisions and what he has to do and he supports mine and what I have to do. If we can't agree on something, we talk about it. That's as it should be.

I'm glad you're standing on your own two feet and keep doing what you do, Choppers. It takes guts.

And Junk, going back to when you said I should leave the job if it's affecting me so that I can't sleep, I have a new job but I'll still be volunteering with the shelter and still be doing relief work for them. Why would I put myself under that stress willingly? Because I care. I can't just turn off my heart and turn a blind eye to this. I hope that if you come face to face with it like I have, you won't either.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

Children cannot always get out of abusive situations but as an adult you have a choice

I think you hit on something really important in that you do have a choice, though I've always found the line on when people are seen as old enough to make a choice really fuzzy (some people I know moved out of the house before they were legally old enough to work, some don't feel they can do that). Sometimes it is just a matter of making people understand that they have a choice, and showing them what those choices are and that they are worth having choices (seriously, learned helplessness, like dogs who were administered shocks and no longer tried to escape the painful and scary room even though it was as simple as jumping over a low wall http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness ). I think promoting people who get away from abusive relationships in a positive light is one way to help people understand that they do and can make that choice and be okay.

But yes, mental illness or deeply learned patterns can make that goal even harder, and also hinder choice making in even normal situations.​

 

[SourRoses]

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[chickened]

Fair enough, I see kids grow up real fast in an abusive household. and on the other hand a loving household the kids are practically pushed out the door. I personally believe that it takes a bigger bully to stop a bully or an abusive husband. Our contemporary society has forgotten that. My attempts in my youth to be mean to someone was usually ended by the threat of a thumpin'. I know some cops that would tell you they would love to work over some of these guys. I know this is not PC thinking but it darn sure works. I know a few women from my past that had abusive boyfriends and when they found another guy who was bigger the guy usually left her alone especially after a few talks.

 

[Dunkopf]

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How did his reattachment operation go anyway.