Outrageous Work Rules
>
> Dress Code
> 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according
> to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and
> carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well
> financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
>
> 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
> money better so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
> therefore you do not need a pay raise.
>
> 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need
> to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
>
> Sick Days
> We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof
> of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are
> able to come to work.
>
> Holidays
> Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They
> are called Saturday & Sunday.
>
> Compassionate Leave
> This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you
> can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
> effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the
> arrangements.
>
> In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary,
> the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
> We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
> hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
>
> Toilet Use
> 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
> There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
> cubicles.
>
> 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the
> toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will
> open, and your picture will be taken.
>
> 3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted
> on the University notice board under the "Chronic
> Offenders" category.
>
> 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned
> under the company's mental health policy.
>
> Lunch Break
> 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
> to eat more so that they can look healthy.
>
> 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
> balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
>
> 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
> all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
>
> Thank you for your loyalty. Remember we are an employer of
> choice, and we are here to provide a positive employment
> experience.
>
> Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
> frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
> allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
> and input should be directed elsewhere.
>
>
> Dress Code
> 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according
> to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and
> carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well
> financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
>
> 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
> money better so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
> therefore you do not need a pay raise.
>
> 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need
> to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
>
> Sick Days
> We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof
> of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are
> able to come to work.
>
> Holidays
> Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They
> are called Saturday & Sunday.
>
> Compassionate Leave
> This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you
> can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
> effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the
> arrangements.
>
> In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary,
> the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
> We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
> hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
>
> Toilet Use
> 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
> There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
> cubicles.
>
> 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the
> toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will
> open, and your picture will be taken.
>
> 3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted
> on the University notice board under the "Chronic
> Offenders" category.
>
> 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned
> under the company's mental health policy.
>
> Lunch Break
> 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
> to eat more so that they can look healthy.
>
> 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
> balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
>
> 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
> all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
>
> Thank you for your loyalty. Remember we are an employer of
> choice, and we are here to provide a positive employment
> experience.
>
> Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
> frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
> allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
> and input should be directed elsewhere.
>
