Personal advice needed on marriage and finances

[chickenzoo]

We have one bank account for us, both our incomes go in it, all the bills get paid out of it. We do not figure up who made this much etc.. it all goes in and bills are paid. If one of us wants something we talk about it, agree or not and then take out the money or wait. If one of my animals is sick - it is both of ours- so we pay the bill. We do not divide money...... I would tell him to man up and help his family. There would be no way hubby would let me sell something I love if he has the money to feed it....... he has money aside from ours that is his spending money, from which he keeps as he sells things...

 

[EweSheep]

Quote:
Yep that's right!!!!!!!!!!! We do the same thing here. With the exception that we split the income tax money refunds by three's LOL! Hubby, me and my daughter! That is our real treats!

 

[hangin'witthepeeps]

He has always worked. He was unemployed from July 08 until October 09. He has never been made to pay a routine bill except for car insurance all his life. Apparently, he's good at it. I did pull his credit report before we got married. He has NO credit. Never bought anything on credit and doesn't want to buy anything on credit. All the credit cards and loans are in my name.

I agree with people saying pool the money and pay bills first, then savings and split the rest.

I do need more backbone, it is my character flaw, I know I have it. I talked to him at lunch about how I was concerned for the bills and the stress it's putting on me. That I need help paying some of the bills and he needs to give me more money. We have a joint account. I usually write him a check every two weeks minus the $200 for me. I like the system we have, I just need him to pay half the bills. He does not have the check book or the debit card. I know he could go to bank and wipe me out if he wanted to, but he hasn't. He said we would talk more tonight. I appreciate you all listening to me and giving good advice. I just needed to build up my confidence and nerve to approach the subject. It is a very sore subject with me and I did not want to let my emotions or stress rule the conversation.

 

[Slater1995]

hangin'witthepeeps :

Well, to make a very long story short as I can....

I have an 18 year old daughter (not by my husband) with mental disabilities.
We have a 7 year old son, together.
He has a horse.
I have a mule, dog and chickens

I make ~ 1,100 a month
I pay all the bills, house payment, light bill, loan payment, health insurance, life insurance, my auto and home insurance, food, vet care, child school expense, child Christmas expense, property taxes, up keep on the house, and health insurance co-payments (drugs, hospitalizations, etc)

He makes ~1200 a month (just started making this amount last September after I found him a job, he was without work for a year and a half in which I paid everything and he paid me nothing)
He pays dental insurance, his auto insurance, and me $400 a month.

I recently sold my Mule because I could not afford the hay and grain which my husband and I split the cost of. I had to get a loan this year as our air conditioner went out (got a new one) and then the septic tank needed repaired (drain lines replaced).

I feel used. I'm angry, but I don't know how to approach this with him. I think he should pay more. I think marriage is to help one another. I need help, I wish I had $600 or $800 a month in which I could blow and do whatever. I feel jealous of his financial freedom, I had to sell my Mule at a lower price than what she was worth. He has his horse priced so high he will never sell it. I fee sick to my stomach, I love him but I'm used up. He does not beat me or abuse me. He does his chores around the house and is an all around good guy. We just have this one problem, I created. I'm a wimp, I told him to just give me $100 a week when we first got together 8 years ago. He wasn't making much and I did want to take all of his money.

Something else to take into effect. It's my house, my property and my barn. Of course if I die, all my property would legally be his. What I'm trying to say is I had these things before we got married, except the barn which I paid for and we built together to house his horse.

What do I do? My sister says if he doesn't help financially more that I should ask him to leave. I would be better off without his financial burden. I'm not talking about divorce but just asking him to leave. I can't afford a divorce.

Thanks, Melissa

Marriage is a combined effort. It takes both husband and wife contributing equal shares of everything for it to work. My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years and we have three kids (13,9,7) We went though a really rough spell when I lost my job. We lived on $400 a week. We had our church and friends that helped us when we needed it but we learned the hard way how to live simple. After I got a job we started paying off all our debt. No more credit cards or loans. They are really bad news. I have been at my job now for 2 years and we have 1 credit card left to settle. Both of our veichles are paid off so no more auto loans. Of course we have our house payment and utilities but that is just about it. Small expenses here and there. I created a budget spreadsheet to show what we have to pay each month and whose paycheck the money comes from. My husband gets paid weekly and I get paid twice a month so I broke the bills down by that. He put some of his check in the bank to cover the bills that my check does not and we pay some by cash. the rest of the cash (Not that there is much left) is put aside so that we can save for things or maybe we want to eat out or something.

Anyway, I would be happy to e-mail you my budget spreadsheet if you want to try it. It is pretty simple. You would have to have Excel to use it though.

And someone mentioned Dave Ramsey. His program is what got us on track, so it is worth looking into.

I hope I have helped you some.

Teresa​

 

[halo]

I didnt read this whole thread (but I will); Ive never heard of a marriage where the husband didnt come home and just give his check to his wife. Im serious; all my friends operate that way. Both checks go into the account, bills get paid, each keep a little pocket money, and thats about it. Ive never heard of a situation like yours.

Im sure there has to be a compromise somehow. What would happen if you lost your job? Wouldnt he have to pony up and pay all of those bills youve been paying? And I cant believe youve paid all those bills on $1100 a month. That in itself is amazing.

Something needs to be done, I can imagine how you must feel.

 

[hangin'witthepeeps]

I did look at Dave Ramsey, I did the Start Here if you are new. I believe my answer lies in the emergency fund. If I had an emergency fund, I would not need to borrow money or use the credit card. So along with paying his half, I'm also going to suggest a little more for the E-fund that I would keep track of so he doesn't have to. I just hope he will be understanding about the amount he's going to receive every month he's going from $700 to $300. The only bill he has is his gas. I pay the feed, hay, insurance, food, everything. So that's $200 for gas and $100 to spend. Wish me luck.

 

[halo]

hangin'witthepeeps :

But what would be a fair compromise? It's hard coming up with "guesses". I know the regular stuff

250 House payment
130 lights
350 health insurance
25 life insurance
230 loan payment
40 vet bill and dentist (monthly until paid both are his bills)
400 approximately annually for taxes
75 cable
100 phone


What do I charge for food? Health expenses? Upkeep on home? It's all of these little things that are eating away at my money. The little inheritance I had is now gone. I have over the past 8 years, put a new motor in his truck, paid a lawyer for his citizenship application, paid a $3000 vet bill for when his horse had colic. He never has the money for these major things and I always find it, somewhere.

What do you charge for food???? What is this??? This aint no marriage.​

 

[hangin'witthepeeps]

Thanks, Halo for looking at the math and understanding how I feel. It really means a lot. That is why my "nest egg" is gone and so is my Mule.

 

[halo]

Do not be nervous about sitting down and discussing this. You are the adult in this situation; he is merely the overgrown child, needing someone to tell him what to do. I can't imagine him saying no to what you propose; what will he do, leave?? You arent asking him, you are firmly TELLING him what needs to be done, and how it has to be in order to keep the household going.

You have carried more burden than you should ever have. You already have children who need your help; you dont need a 62 year old child, too.

 

[hangin'witthepeeps]

Yep, that's how I feel. Like his parent. I believe his first wife was a controlling type person. She raised some very good kids, so she must have been an extraordinary woman. BUT, she did everything for him. I can't, he needs to see that. I am a follower, just like him. It is hard for me to be the "alpha" if you will. I'm glad that you see I'm nervous.