Personal advice needed on marriage and finances

[Gypsi]

Sounds like you have a plan. Good luck to you!

 

[ranchhand]

Quote:
Major breadwinner here is DH - and I make SURE there's beer in the fridge! He does so many things unasked, it's truly amazing.

We are equal partners, and we discuss finances in a casual, everyday fashion. I mention what amounts the bills are, etc. (Used to be an Office Mgr.) He can check it anytime he wants. Total openess about spending for the most part, though I did recently find out he's buying a honeybun every morning....... now looking for a good recipe!

 

[ranchhand]

Hope the evening discussion goes well!

If not, remember my earlier advice!

 

[Yard full o' rocks]

Hanginwiththepeeps

I am the sole breadwinner in our house and have been since my DW was 8 months pregnant with our first son (now 15). My DW is a "stay at home mom" and there is NO amount of money worth what she does for our family.

EVERYTHING we have is in joint checking accounts....we have no "his and hers". The only seperate account we keep is one for me to handle my travel expenses thru (I'm in sales and travel a lot....acct is needed for LARGE Amex bills from travel, expense reimbursements, etc)

I have not even seen the check book in over 15 yrs....she handles it all. My checks are direct deposited into our savings account and we "pay" our checking account once each month a mutually agreed upon amount needed to run the household. (This helps insure we don't spend everything we make)

Remember, God established men to be the head of the household and it is OUR (Men's) responsibility to carry the financial burdens of the family. Now, for you working women out there....this is not meant to bash you by any means as I know that sometimes an additional income is necessary to make ends meet, and I applaud each of you for being willing to do just that. Fortunately, we have been blessed financially so that my DW does not work outside the home. Occasional, my DW will take a job substituting at the local Elem. School. When she does, that just becomes HER mad money (which is normally spent on extra things for the boys)...I never ask her to use it for the household expenses (although she busted her @&* when I was laid off last yr to help us through that mess)

All that said, I think he should feel OBLIGATED to at least share equally in the household expenses. Don't let him get into "your kids", "your car"...etc, etc. He married you knowing these things and should have accepted them for what they were.


Best of luck tonight...I'll be praying for you (and him too)

Scott

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
Not necessary. It sounds like the expenses have not been co-mingled. Is his name anywhere on the title? You may need to hire a lawyer to give you a firm grasp of whether he owns any interest in your house and property or not. Even if he doesn't, he would likely inherit (and that has tax issues if he is not a joint owner with right of survivorship) if you were to die. Your state laws and whether or not you have a will (and then what you have written in it) would determine the amount of your estate that he would inherit. I believe in some states he would receive everything and in others your children would receive a certain percentage. All of that being if you do not have a will.

Anyways, you need to decide exactly how you want the house and property owned (a revokable trust might be a good choice). And then you need to renegotiate the overall budget. You need a plan that is equitable. Your incomes and many other things have changed over the course of your marriage. He was unemployed for a significant length of time. I won't go so far as to say that the two of you should combine your income and pay it all out of one account, as many folks do, but you do need to budget it as if it were all one income. You probably need to pay attention to setting a certain portion aside for investment purposes, and you each need roughly similar "allowances." Any "luxury" over that requires discussion between the two of you.

Assuming that you choose to keep separate accounts, once you've agreed on a budget (also known as a spending plan), you then decide who is going to take charge of each expense. You then need to regularly schedule time to go over the budget and tweak it as necessary.

 

[Cindiloohoo]

This post is kinda sad. I had been a SAHM for 8 years to my 2 step daughters. DH made the money, brought it home, and I worked to keep things taken care of so that he could go back to work every week knowing I had his back financially. Now the roles are flipped. He's SAHDad, and I work. He takes care of everything here so I can go to work and bring home the proverbial bacon. It's a total comitted partnership. No matter who does which thing, or combination of things...it is shared, and we both sleep well. We both took for granted at some point how important the things the other partner was doing actually was, and now we each get to share in the others side of the pain for a while...kinda ironic, now he gripes about the kids, and my back is always hurting

Sounds like your DH needs to walk a few steps in your shoes. Stop paying the bills for a month and tell him it is his responsibility because you want _____ and are saving up for it, so it's his turn for you to give him $400 a month and keep the change. After a month, he'll appreciate you...trust me, after working for the last month of 10 hour days 5 days a week, I APPRECIATE DH having worked 10 5's the last 8 years!!!!!! I wish he could go back to work!! I've been screaming "uncle" for 2 weeks

Sometimes it just takes a reminder of how good you've got it to make you really appreciate it and step up and help more. REMIND him.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
From a legal standpoint, this is not accurate. Anything that you bring into a marriage remains solely your own unless you co-mingle those assets. Real property doesn't just become the new spouse's just because a marriage occurred.

As to whether property acquired during a marriage is owned separately or jointly depends on state law. In community property states, anything acquired or earned by either party during a marriage, with specific exceptions such as inheritance or gifts belongs equally to both parties. In non-community property states this is not the case.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

hangin'witthepeeps :

I appreciate all of the advice. I just needed this wonderful encouragement so I can have "the talk" with him. I agree with taking his check and giving him an allowance. I just feel like a bully doing it. I have some roll reversal issues going on. I need to get over them and take responsibility and not worry about hurting other peoples feelings. I need to quit being a door mat.

One issue you have is that it sounds like you really don't know all the expenses, and certainly not his. Y'all need to keep very close track of where every $ is going for the next month. Once you know that, you can then address whether it is being spent wisely or not.​

 

[mommyofthreewithchicks]

Hello- I have yet to read all the replies but... I think you need to have a sit down chat with your DH! In our house we pool our money- One bank account and everyone "should" know the bills that have to be paid out of it. We try to talk about the big stuff. I stay-at-home with the kids, but I earn my keep here at the home front. DH works his butt off to earn the money- either way it is "ours". My sis and her hubby do things differently by splitting everything down the middle. If I remember correctly one pays for the house payment the other childcare, food and car and they split the rest between them as well. To me this is too confusing and too much like having a roomate plus I get to hear my sis complain that even though it is split she ends up paying for all the children's clothing and items to that effect.

Splitting everything can work for you, just like pooling works for us but you need to be ok with it as does he. Sit down and chat- it isn't working the way it is now! Marriage is supposed to be a support system and two people going through life together thus both of you have to be on board with what goes on.

 

[Barry1963]

I havent read through every reply but i thought i'd add my opinion. With my wife and I we dont have a yours and mine system, its ours. If one of us wants something for themselves then we figure it out and git er done. when two people get married and become/start a family selfishness is the first thing that has to go. When my wifes computer fried a while back, I gave her mine for a couple weeks while we nested the money away to buy her a new one.

everything you go through, be it money, emotional,etc, is a shared thing. Sounds like you need to have a real heart to heart and ask him if he's ready to sell his horse ???