Personal advice needed on marriage and finances

[scbatz33]

Quote:
(bonking you on the head!!!) no no no!! You have to stop saying "I"......its WE dont have to cough up $300 to buy hay, not you...remember...WE WE WE!!!!! (no, Im not French).

but do you have to go to the potty?

But yes, it is "WE, Us Our"

Chant it to yourself over and over again.......

 

[kfchickenlady]

Quote:
(bonking you on the head!!!) no no no!! You have to stop saying "I"......its WE dont have to cough up $300 to buy hay, not you...remember...WE WE WE!!!!! (no, Im not French).

Ditto! old habits are hard to change, we all know, keep it up youre doing great!!!

 

[koop]

Don't be afraid of going to a counselor, most people need someone to look at their relationship from the outside, and a counselor is TRAINED to help you.............unlike us

But as someone who has taken five marriage courses in the 7 years I have been married (not my choice), you can't have "his and hers" it will never be fair, like someone said "there are saver's and spender's". I don't think everyone is polarized to either side on this, its more that one is "more of a" spender or saver. But everything needs to be "ours", and you have say over everything that is "ours" weather you bought it or earned it, or he bought it or earned it, or when it was bought or earned.

But it sounds like you need professional help, go out and look for it. You may need two counselors one for your marriage and one for "our" money.

 

[roosterdog]

Quote:
That is what my parents did and they have done well with it. Each one had their own account, and the joint account for their household expenses.

As for us, we have a joint account and our dd's checking account (SSI) that we put extra money in for whatever we would like to have such as new clothes, new toys, etc. If hubby wants something, he would ask me if it is ok or wants some spending money, he would run that by me and I will see what we would need or whatever. Communication is very important to both of us and we have done well without having to bicker or fight over money. Been together for 12 years and married for six years.

I agree with this plan 50/50 joint and communications.

It is even harder if He is the bread winner and you are a housewife...my situation sticks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[PineappleMama]

^Now THAT I have noticed... growing up mom was the saver, stepdad the spender...

Now, DH is the saver... that boy can squirrel away with the best of them... but me... I see the sale papers, see my freezer and can't not stock up... the grocery is my weakness.

But, thanks to my crappy memory I can tuck a bit in this or that book, bowl, etc. and totally forget about it... then I'll randomly stumble across it later and it's a nice surprise. I can even pretend that I meant to do that.

 

[Lazy J Farms Feed & Hay]

Quote:
I don't think a wife should "charge" her husband anything....A marriage is a joining together o two lives, not a landlord or parent over the other. If he is your equal, then you shouldn't be charging him at all, It should be "our money/our bills" IMO

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[suburbanminifarm]

Yard full o' rocks :

Hanginwiththepeeps

I am the sole breadwinner in our house and have been since my DW was 8 months pregnant with our first son (now 15). My DW is a "stay at home mom" and there is NO amount of money worth what she does for our family.

EVERYTHING we have is in joint checking accounts....we have no "his and hers". The only seperate account we keep is one for me to handle my travel expenses thru (I'm in sales and travel a lot....acct is needed for LARGE Amex bills from travel, expense reimbursements, etc)

I have not even seen the check book in over 15 yrs....she handles it all. My checks are direct deposited into our savings account and we "pay" our checking account once each month a mutually agreed upon amount needed to run the household. (This helps insure we don't spend everything we make)

Remember, God established men to be the head of the household and it is OUR (Men's) responsibility to carry the financial burdens of the family. Now, for you working women out there....this is not meant to bash you by any means as I know that sometimes an additional income is necessary to make ends meet, and I applaud each of you for being willing to do just that. Fortunately, we have been blessed financially so that my DW does not work outside the home. Occasional, my DW will take a job substituting at the local Elem. School. When she does, that just becomes HER mad money (which is normally spent on extra things for the boys)...I never ask her to use it for the household expenses (although she busted her @&* when I was laid off last yr to help us through that mess)

All that said, I think he should feel OBLIGATED to at least share equally in the household expenses. Don't let him get into "your kids", "your car"...etc, etc. He married you knowing these things and should have accepted them for what they were.


Best of luck tonight...I'll be praying for you (and him too)

Scott

You sound like a REAL man, Scott! It's good to hear that there are still some men like you out there who actually pride themselves on being the dragon-slayer of the family!​

 

[DuckLady]

hangin'witthepeeps, you have made such enormous first steps in this situation!!

Now the hard part is to stick to it. It will be easy for hubby to fall back to bad spending habits when he really wants to spend on something and get pouty or even surly when you remind him of the situation. It will be easy for you to fall back to old habits and withdraw back to bad communication habits and just not say how you feel or what you need when this happens.

Just be consistent, yet flexible, depending on the situation at hand.

Great job!
I have been following this thread and I am proud of you!

 

[AmCanyonStables]

hangin'witthepeeps :

Well I talked to him. I typed up a budget of monthly expenses. He looked it over and seemed shocked. He's a real talker and he had nothing to say. I was a little disappointed. I also told him I had to have X amount of money for the bills and we would then discuss the left over amount on what to save and what could be spent. He did ask for $30 this morning for gas and that he would need $30 for gas next Friday. So either I reached him or he's just in shock. I don't know. I'm relieved that he seems to have agreed but the lack of emotion has me bewildered.

This is a great start - to keep it going, make sure you sit down monthly and go over the bills, even if he is just sitting there while you pay them or delete the totals of the auto payments. Someone in a couple is always better at paying the bills, but both should be aware about where the family money is going. If not, they non-paying person loses track of what things cost, and this can create arguments. It may be why he had the shocked look - he had no idea how little was left. And I agree - practice saying "our bills" " we need groceries" "we have to feed the animals" "we have to save for car repairs and vet bills"
Treat him like a man and a partner, and guess what, he will be one!​

 

[zippitydooda]

Ok, after I posted, I read all the other posts & saw I pretty much said the exact same thing everyone else said. I'm glad you talked to him and gave him the opportunity to be a partner. I think some women do the same thing with the kids... they want to handle everything and then get frustrated when they end up handling everything. Most husbands want to be included, and really want to be needed, so maybe this will end up bringing the two of you closer. God Bless!