Some of you are familiar with my brother who attempted suicide a few weeks.. Or months.. Ago I don't even remember when it was. Anywho, I need some good thoughts sent my way from wherever you are! My brother is an addict/alcoholic, in a real bad sort of way, he has been using since he was about 17, hardcore. And he has been trying to get clean and sober since he was about 25, he is now 30. We both live at home due to financial problems, he works, I attend school. He also has two kids who are a teenager and 5 year old. He is seperated from the mother on her terms because of addiction.
Yesterday, this same brother, came to me and asked if he could pay me to ride with him to the out of town. I was confused and said no I couldn't because the chickens were out and somebody needs to be here. It was too hot to lock them in their coops. He looked really uncomfortable for a second and I asked why and he said for me not to tell our parents. I nod, mostly because I am curious and didn't even think what it would be and he said that he used the night before and didn't feel like he should drive. I was shocked and just said for him to go the next day or something, it could get worked out. Well he ended up going and right now I feel an immense hatred toward him for using again, and guilt for letting him go. He has skipped work the last two weeks, I am guessing he won't return to work. But I just feel like I want so badly to GET out of here. I wish I had my situation together and could escape, chickens dog cat and all. I am feeling so stressed because not only the using thing but he constantly does stuff that lacks common sense. He was telling his 5 year old to shoot me and my Mom's outside cat with a plastic dart gun, and though that's not real just think if he had a real gun! That is a 5 year old, who idolizes his father.
I am just feeling stressed and trapped here, I am going to school in Fall and looking actively for a job in ANYTHING. I will scrub toilets if it means I can rent some 5th wheel on some land with my animals. I used to live in Grass Valley and had a great job up there, not a lot of advancement but I brought home 1000-1200 a month, and being just me and the animals I think I could live on that. I just wish it wasn't taking so long, I really need to get a break from this place lol.
I just need some good thoughts, not sure why I feel so stressed, maybe I am overreacting? I don't know but I was crying out back earlier and guess who jumped on my shoulder cooing softly? Joon. My 4 month old Barred Rock pullet. She is wonderful and I couldn't help but smile. Chickens are great therapy but me and my girls need a place of our own heh!
Yesterday, this same brother, came to me and asked if he could pay me to ride with him to the out of town. I was confused and said no I couldn't because the chickens were out and somebody needs to be here. It was too hot to lock them in their coops. He looked really uncomfortable for a second and I asked why and he said for me not to tell our parents. I nod, mostly because I am curious and didn't even think what it would be and he said that he used the night before and didn't feel like he should drive. I was shocked and just said for him to go the next day or something, it could get worked out. Well he ended up going and right now I feel an immense hatred toward him for using again, and guilt for letting him go. He has skipped work the last two weeks, I am guessing he won't return to work. But I just feel like I want so badly to GET out of here. I wish I had my situation together and could escape, chickens dog cat and all. I am feeling so stressed because not only the using thing but he constantly does stuff that lacks common sense. He was telling his 5 year old to shoot me and my Mom's outside cat with a plastic dart gun, and though that's not real just think if he had a real gun! That is a 5 year old, who idolizes his father.
I just need some good thoughts, not sure why I feel so stressed, maybe I am overreacting? I don't know but I was crying out back earlier and guess who jumped on my shoulder cooing softly? Joon. My 4 month old Barred Rock pullet. She is wonderful and I couldn't help but smile. Chickens are great therapy but me and my girls need a place of our own heh!
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