Raising daughters

[ducks4you]

Quote:
...not quite enough. It's hard to parent, because you have to be the one taking the criticism, and cleaning up the physical and emotional messes. I'm 52, but 10 years ago I felt like I didn't want to be the adult. It's kind of a balancing act. Now, my daughter's are my BFF's. In order to effectively deal with the disrespect you will need to take ANY emotion out of the way that you react to your daughter's behaviors, and I mean all of them.
Whatever way you organize, I suggest that you start by considering 3 things that she does that are the most irritating, and decide a reward as a result in correct behavior, and a punishment as a result in poor behavior.
If you were paying me for advice I think first on my list would be

She follows me around criticizing me.

I am SURE that there is something that you do for her, or buy for her, that should be withheld consistently, every single time she does this.

Consider her age:
--She cannot drive.
--She must respect your town's curfew.
--She needs YOUR permission to leave the house and go anywhere.
I have 3 daughters (22, 27 and 30 years old,) and though I am very proud that they all graduated from college with high honors (one graduated Summa Cum Laude) and are all employed full time, they don't always take my advice. I believe that after they turned 21, I could only suggest, and let them learn some of my hard-learned lessons the hard way themselves.

I should also mention that I have trained several dogs, including the two I have right now, and I have owned/trained over 30 horses. Two of the dogs were beyond hope, and several of the horses had such poor training, that they were too dangerous to keep. You can do that with your dogs and cats and horses because they are your property. If you work at your relationship with your daughter, you'll be much happier. She might not thank you for years, maybe not at all, but you will know that you tried to give her the life skills she needs to get along with other people.​

 

[TaLani]

Oh dear Lord do I feel your pain! I too have a ten year old and I swear she's 10 going on 16! Ugh!

However, I do not take kindly to any backtalk when I know I'm right and she's wrong. My daughter knows that she can tell me why she's angry & has a right to be angry sometimes since I'm not perfect and we resolve the issue, but having a sassy mouth for no good reason gets her a good slap on the mouth and she straightens up really quick. Taking my daughter's tv away and making her do LOTS of chores is a sure fire way to make her change her tune too. All kids are different in what discipline works and doesn't work though, that's for sure.

Determine what she loves to do and take it away or don't allow her to do it - hit her hard on those things when she misbehaves, be consistent about it and she'll straighten up if she wants those things again. Kids are no dummies though, if they can get their way by having a hissy fit, they'll certainly do it. They are experts at railroading! I've seen way too many people that didn't get a handle on their kids early enough and by the time those kids got into their teens and beyond, it was too late. Consistency is the key. You can't be firm one day and lax the next.

Maybe since the verbal way of trying to resolve things doesn't seem to work, maybe writing her a letter and leaving it on her pillow would work. Also, sometimes a "Comment Box" works for some parents - it takes out all of the verbal fights (which gets everyone no where), and you communicate back & forth with the comment box and if you write things down a lot of times the child can see how silly the issue really is. It seems like you're allowing the horse to direct the path, not you and that needs to change - for both of your sakes. She's running on emotions right now and the logic part of her brain isn't developed enough at this stage in her life, so that's why you step in and set her straight. She won't thank you now, but some day she will. Hang in there dear, you're not alone!

 

[redhen]

I have WHAT in my yard? :

Redhen said

Following your parent around and critizing them about everything = disrespect

If I hadn't had a sister like this I would automatically say it was disrespect too, but it is a nasty personality trait that I need to teach her not to do, I think. It isn't about disrespect, it is about being certain that she is right about dang near everything and wanting to tell everyone how to do it the "right way" as in her way. Not only is it really a bad thing to do with me but can you imagine how teachers must take this, and friends?? I can yell at her for it and tell her she is being disrespectful, but that won't tell her why she shouldn't do it. I want her to understand that it is hurtful and unproductive. That she is not always right and doesn't even need to be. Her need to be right and her conviction that she knows better is SO much like my sister (and granny to be honest) that I think it is part of their nature. An ugly part to be sure, but hard to tame.

I keep asking her, "How important is it for you to be right, right now? And why do you have to be?"

But, it is hurtful. I hate being criticized (who doesn't) but I don't think she knows how to stop herself. And sometimes she IS right.​

Personality traits are learned behaviors from how you were raised. They come from your surroundings...
So... if DD is acting like your sister..then she picked it up from her somehow...

ETA: Maybe use your sisters behavior as a teaching tool for your DD?? Your sister should just love that...

 

[phaethona]

I have 3 daughters(12, 8 and 4), and I can certainly relate. they're generally great girls, all above average intelligence, I often get compliments on their behavior. never really had any issues with anger w/ the oldest-there's not one single hair of aggression in that girl. but my middle kid is another story, she was sweet as can be until last year, it was like someone flipped a switch in her, all the sudden she got a bad attitude, put almost no effort into schoolwork, and was just all around negative. I was really worried that there was something very wrong going on w/ her emotionally, and I tried very hard to get to the bottom of it. we've had some good results from reinforcing consistency. "If you don't_________, then you wont get to_______" setting expectations for her and following through. It's hard because in the moment, frustrations build(on both sides) and at the same time we love our daughters and we dont want to be the ones making them upset, and I think that's where it becomes easy to forget who's in charge here. I can see in her that when she truly believes that the consequences (good or bad) WILL happen the way I say they will, she makes better decisions about how to act. It's hard when she doesn't get what she wants and throws a fit, but it's important to remember the big picture, and that I don't want her to be an adult thinking she deserves everything in life without working for it, there are way too many people in the world like that already.

And you're certainly not alone on the door thing, I've threatened to take it off the hinges several times before, and I will if the situation warrants it.
On room cleaning, my girls will go do it when I tell them, but they try to get lazy and do a half decent job, when they tell me they're done and I know they aren't, I give them a trashcan and tell them "the beds, the dresser, the desk, and your feet are the only things allowed to touch the ground, anything on the floor besides those, get thrown out." inevitably they find more things to put away.

the fact that you're venting your frustration proves that you are a strong, caring parent, and that you're trying your best. raising daughters is very hard. stay strong, stick to your guns, and hopefullly things will get easier for the both of you soon.

 

[lacasitarojafarm]

I have WHAT in my yard? :

She knows if she slams doors it will get removed, and she knows this is not a democracy.

Good then you have laid the ground rules correctly.

I have WHAT in my yard? :

I don't want her to not be angry with me. She is human too and she will get angry. Everybody does. I want her to learn how to handle her anger, but I have too bad of a temper to help her.

Yes it is human to get angry. It is also human for the people around your daughter to not like her nitpicking attitude and *you* have to teach her how to get along in the world. So your terribly difficult balancing act is to find a way to reflect to her how she acts is making you feel, and to show her how to express her anger and dissatisfaction APPROPRIATELY, and PRODUCTIVELY- not how to direct it at those closest to her which will bring her a lot of grief in life. You may want a child/family therapists assistance in this. They can teach you how to work with your daughter using skills andhow not to dance the angry dance with her.

I have WHAT in my yard? :

My depression came directly from being told I had no right to be angry, when I was.

There is no such thing as having a right or hot having a right to feel an emotion. YOu fell what you feel, you just do. What you have to figure out is does she have a right to express it in a disparaging way towards you and others? Are you teaching her how to express her anger in a nagging self-righteous way which will get her exactly nowhere with others? Anger is often a cover emotion for other things. Sadness, anxiety, low self-esteem or even love can be expressed in an angry criticizing way. That is what she has to figure out is what is she feeling and why does she express it angrily? And lastly she is her fathers daughter and certain traits are INHERITED.

I have WHAT in my yard? :

Children and ESPECIALLY girls have to learn how to be angry. They will get angry, but this is why we have women who get hit and women who are passive aggressive, because we tell them they cannot be angry and they aren't allowed to be angry. Then they can't recognize anger when it is justified and they don't know how to express it.

No we all get angry, the challenge is how to express it PRODUCTIVELY. If you are angry, why? What is making you angry, are you really angry or are you sad, or bored, or resentful and why are you feeling that way and what can you do about it? That is the challenge.

 

[happyhens44]

I have WHAT in my yard? :

Quote:
So what message are you getting?? Do you think it is possible for a parent to get the right message to one child but the wrong one to the one watching??

This one sounds like the wrong message to both of you, but we're human too and we get mad and say things we do not mean just like you do. Your Mom and sister may be able to work things out so your mom lets the punishment go, or your mom may be caving in too easy. When everything is calm can you ask her how and why your sister gets off? Sometimes I think younger siblings don't get it so bad because they watch how it plays out for the older one and they learn what they cannot get away with so they don't try it!

Ohh No. Im not dissagree with anyone I was just ramboling on. I am just reading the thread and toldyou guys some stuff about my parents​

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

Quote:
If I hadn't had a sister like this I would automatically say it was disrespect too, but it is a nasty personality trait that I need to teach her not to do, I think. It isn't about disrespect, it is about being certain that she is right about dang near everything and wanting to tell everyone how to do it the "right way" as in her way. Not only is it really a bad thing to do with me but can you imagine how teachers must take this, and friends?? I can yell at her for it and tell her she is being disrespectful, but that won't tell her why she shouldn't do it. I want her to understand that it is hurtful and unproductive. That she is not always right and doesn't even need to be. Her need to be right and her conviction that she knows better is SO much like my sister (and granny to be honest) that I think it is part of their nature. An ugly part to be sure, but hard to tame.

I keep asking her, "How important is it for you to be right, right now? And why do you have to be?"

But, it is hurtful. I hate being criticized (who doesn't) but I don't think she knows how to stop herself. And sometimes she IS right.

Personality traits are learned behaviors from how you were raised. They come from your surroundings...
So... if DD is acting like your sister..then she picked it up from her somehow...

ETA: Maybe use your sisters behavior as a teaching tool for your DD?? Your sister should just love that...

I believed that before I had kids. My DD never met my granny and my sister has been deployed for most of her life so has never spent any real time around her. Besides as an adult my sister learned to control this tendency. I guess I should have said like my sister was as a kid.

Its the weirdest thing to see it when it seems like it should be such a learned behavior and it looks like such an innate one! Children are not tabla rasa! If anything sis would probably be willing to tell her what pain this trait caused her....... - after of course telling me what I was doing wrong!

 

[ducks4you]

Here's something else, maybe for other parents reading this:
Do NOT get in the middle of ANY fights between your children!!!
IF they have good relationships already, the fights will blow over, and the storm is through, and there you are...
still fuming...
everybody is looking at you funny...

 

[phaethona]

Quote:
I agree, mine argure A LOT, and I leave it up to them to figure it out. they're gonna be sisters forever so they might as well learn what battles to pick now. I can't imagine how stressed I'd be if I got in the middle of it

 

[Break an Egg]

My oldest SD acts exactly how you describe, I would just remind her that no one is perfect, and if she asks (as mine would), "why then do you try and make me perfect?" You tell her that you expect alot out of her.

My eldest SD is 12 and would argue with a boot.