Raising daughters

[PineappleMama]

I have WHAT in my yard? :

She knows if she slams doors it will get removed, and she knows this is not a democracy.

I don't want her to not be angry with me. She is human too and she will get angry. Everybody does. I want her to learn how to handle her anger, but I have too bad of a temper to help her.

My depression came directly from being told I had no right to be angry, when I was. Children and ESPECIALLY girls have to learn how to be angry. They will get angry, but this is why we have women who get hit and women who are passive aggressive, because we tell them they cannot be angry and they aren't allowed to be angry. Then they can't recognize anger when it is justified and they don't know how to express it.

We tell our kids they have no right to be angry and then get mad at them when they don't stand up for themselves.
We tell them they cannot be angry and then wonder why they let another adult abuse them.


When they won't clean their rooms - and we're about an hour from this right now - I go in with a tupperware bin and simply take everything that is not put away. They have the option to earn it back or I give it to goodwill. If they can't take care of it they must not appreciate it and I am sure some one else will.


Thanks for reminding me why it is so important that I hang in there and keep my own temper under control............

I love the remove the door bit... son HATED that one... as the dog snuck in and took a poo... tee hee. More of a lesson than I planned, but it did get the point across. When you have your own doors, you can slam them all you want. When I've got to pay for them you will treat them kindly.

Amen to the next bit... the problem of course is that, being kiddos, they have to LEARN the difference between justified anger (ala someone flat out stealing and breaking something they cared about/worked for) and just being a brat (not wanting to eat broccoli) and how to deal with it... proper responses... throwing the broccoli on the floor, punching the person in the nose... not cool. ASKing mom "Can we please have a veggie other than broccoli?" fine... yelling at mom that she's a lousy parent for serving a healthy, sic disgusting, food is not. Being kiddos... well they aren't going to ask "Can I scream at you?" nope, they're gonna do it... and based on your reaction they'll know if it's acceptable or not... if you blow it off, no punishment, etc then they'll assume that behavior is perfectly fine... and will keep it up... and keep pushing those boundaries... think back to the toddler years... same thing, but bigger/harder to catch kids.

But if you tell them that there is no justified anger... well many possible results... the depression thing... or the build up until you snap way... or the repress all emotion thing... or don't ever discuss feelings even when someone is hurting you thing... depends on the person, but I can't think of a single way for it to be a good thing. Learning to CONTROL your temper, yes. Learning to bite your tongue when angry, talk things out when less emotional, yes. But not total hold in or total let out... disaster waiting to happen.

I like your tupperware idea... I've done that... but I got a big ol' garbage bag. Put it in the garage. If they even remember that it's there after a month then we'll talk. Honestly they've just got so much crap (thank you Nana) that they never notice.


Quote:
I donno, as a kid I wish my parents had intervened... my sister... (younger by 5 years, 14mos older than bro) sheesh... she was totally allowed to hit, scream, throw GLASS objects, screwdrivers, etc. And me and my brother were basically ordered to just take it. No hitting back of course but also no asking for help from an adult when she became psychotic. We're not talking a little hair pulling or being called a butthead... I mean trying to HURT.. as in blood... saying things like "Why won't you just die?' NOT things that a normal 7 year old should be saying right?

So, there are some cases where parents are needed to PARENT... as in protect their child from a threat... even if (especially) the threat is in their own home. Had they parented in the first place the threat may very well have not existed... Goes back to the boundary thing. From day one she was NEVER corrected. Any behavior was fine. And just look at her today... *sigh*​

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

Being ordered to just take it IS intervening.

Siblings WITHOUT Rivalry!!! The best book ever about siblings. I follow that very closely as best I can (DH is not as good about it) It works very well every time.

 

[ducks4you]

PineappleMama, I'm sorry about the favoritism you referred to. I was raised in a dysfunctional home, and I was not the favorite sibling, who, THANKFULLY did not reproduce, and now has passed away. My revengewas to do my best to raise my kids with as much fairness as possible. DH and I have probably padded the nest too well, but I don't have problems with my DD's thinking I have a favorite child. I also don't have a favorite dog (I own 2) or a favorite horse (I own 3). Do you know, they all get jealous, too?

It's funny, but there is NO logic and there are no overall characteristics that cause parents to treat one differently from another. You would think it would always be "pretty" or "intelligent", but it isn't. And, these parents raise monsters--I have a 75 year old uncle who never grew up, and bullies his wife and daughters. I see right through it, he knows it and he won't spend any time on the phone with ME when he visits my mom, and she hands him the phone.

 

[PineappleMama]

^Wow, you too?

Some days the kids just HATE my Fair is Fair thing... IE DD who's wanting a pet... Bro didn't get one until he was 9... she is 8 (today)... but I offered... if you can keep your room clean between now (when she brought it up) and your b-day... showing you're responsible then we'll consider it... room is a mess... so there you go. And she knows that it was HER choice to blow it off... not mine.

But, as I've said before... ask me again in 20 years...

Characteristics... well I was the smart one... only one who graduated anyways... but I was the half sib from the previous marriage so... complicated... Bro was the only son... usually that helps... but I donno... Sis looks just like mom... maybe that's part... never could figure it out... eventually got to where I didn't need to know their reasons for behaving as they did... I only need to know mine... so that if it's something that needs fixing I know where the source of the problem is. They don't want to fix their behavior then nothing I say/do is going to make them.

Get the sis to mention what her behavior cost her.. sometimes a single conversation from someone that's truer to your own situation, can be worth a million talks from someone who isn't.

 

[TyrannosaurusChix]

Quote:
That is so odd... i thought i was just weird form having that kid left out and hated complex.


I cant bring myself to favorite anything either.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

I have WHAT in my yard? :

They often act (both of them) like it is my duty as mother to do all of the chores and that any slight assistance they provide is cause for a congressional medal of honor!

I am talking to my DH about going on strike and refusing to feed them or help them in anyway in order to get through to them. Of course the house will become a pig sty! But, it might be worth it.


She is being somewhat disrespectful, but I am also trying not to parent her like my parents did me - I was taught that I had no right to be angry about anything so I never learned to do anything with my anger but deny it and stifle it until it turned into depression. Anger is often there for a reason and learning how to tell the difference between anger that tells you someone is actually doing something wrong to you and anger that is unjustified is a major life lesson for those of us with bad tempers.

It is one thing to be allowed to be angry (versus not); it is something else entirely to let her express her anger in a disrespectful manner. She is being more than somewhat disrespectful; she is being very disrespectful. It is not her job to criticize you, at least not as she is doing.

If DH is not already backing you up, he needs to (I assume this is their dad? Even if not, he needs to step in with an "obey your mother!")

Rather than going on strike, take away the things they value--whatever things they collect, computer or video game time, toys, phone priviliges, fancy clothes or accessories, privacy (removing the door to their room is often mentioned in these sorts of posts). Set up, in advance, what you believe to be an equitable system, and tell them that from here on, X behavior gets Y consequences. As nearly as possible make the consequence logical. Be very specific in your explanation of the behavior that is unacceptible, and at first give one brief warning if they step too near the line. Be sure to list appropriate behavior and those positive consequences, too. In the short run, this may be harder, but will give better long-term results.​

 

[equine623]

Just my two cents...please consider possible food allergies. To those who haven't directly experienced it, it may sound like a joke. But I can think of a dozen people easily who react in emotional, not physical (or not just physical) ways to foods that they are allergic and/or intolerant to. Even at the tender age of 7 months we saw a difference in my DD's behavior when she consumed corn or corn products. For years I was depressed to the point of suicide and while I'm certainly not going so far as to say it was all food related, a gluten free diet took care of much of the depression plus the migraines. Food makes a HUGE difference. Chemical levels in the brain are directly related to what you eat... again just thought I would throw that out there for people to consider.

Being a parent is hard, and what works for one family won't work for all of them. Good luck

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

I think DD is reactive to sugar spikes. So I monitor her diet and have been helping her monitor her own mood in relation to what she has eaten. She tests as NOT hypoglycemic, but I think our children become acclimatized to horrible levels of sugar in everything.

I used to do the 1-2-3 off to your room, discipline but I slacked off. So, this after noon I was asking them to do something I had been asking all day. I said very calmly, "I have been thinking about how we used to handle discipline around here and how I used to count and send you to your rooms. I am thinking that I thought you had outgrown that too soon and we need to return to it."

DDs 1 and 2 both hopped up, "Don't start counting mom." Resigned annoyed tone of voice but instant compliance. I just smiled. I could not beleive I had forgotten.... The book is 1-2-3- Magic.

 

[chicken_china_mom]

I am the mother of two pre-teen girls, and I tell you, there are so many days when I want to rip my hair out or bash my head against a wall. I love my kids, I really do, but my kids are as different as night and day, and sometimes I might be having a good day with one, but not the other. Usually the older one is good. Let me describe my kids:

My older DD is rather calm, smart, almost always has her face stuck in a book. She has severe ADD so she has to be reminded A LOT to do things, but she does usually do what she is told to do. She is independent but respectful of me. She'll be 12 this October.

My younger DD is energetic, loud, talkative, aggressive and has ODD (an aggression disorder). She has frequent melt downs, is demeaning to her sister, and has a very dominating personality. She is constantly trying to challenge me, manipulate me, and is the biggest drama queen I have ever met. She'll be 11 in November.

My personality is very laid back and calm, much like my older daughter, but oh does this little girl get my temper up! My older daughter is the more responsible of the two, and will generally do what she's told. Sure, she will fuss some, but she's pretty good. It's the younger one that gives me my gray hair. Reverse psychology does NOT work on her, nor does bribary or offers of reward. I flat out have to take things away from her or she doesn't want to do anything. Everything is a battle, from getting her to let a dog out to doing a load of dishes. I'm still trying to find something that will work with her, and I'm constantly having to change my methods. If she keeps this up for the next 7 years, I swear I'll be in an early grave. I can't keep up!

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

One of the dirty little secrets of having children that no one tells you before you have them is that it is possible to give birth to a child that you will love, but not like.

It is possible to give birth to a child that is as unlike you as possible and one who's personality is so diametrically opposed to your own as to be all but impossible to live with.

I don't have this extreme case myself, but I know parents who do. Not everything about who your child is can be controlled by nurture......