Rambling rant-how do you survive parenthood to a teenager?

[Mom 2em All]

Quote:
Kurt,

I would never disregard anything you, or any other teen said, because you are "just a stupid teen". I never feel that way, in fact you offer more insight than most others because you are going through the teenage years of today.

I appreciate your advice, and you are very intelligent.
My son does show self-destructive behavior. In fact, when i tried to be the tough-love Mom I thought I could be today, after reading all the advice and suggestions here today...when he was cussing and throwing things, I commanded that he stop right now...I am the parent, yada yada,,,he began banging his own head into the wall.
I don't think he is bullied though. I think he has some other deep dark issues going on. He is good at being a bully at home- and ever-so-popular at school. However, i know there is something going on. I just don't know what yet- or how to reach him, get through to him. And even though it would be so much easier to give up, throw in the towel...I won't- because he is my son.

 

[HennysMom]

*SCREECCCHHH*
STOP....

You just said it... the magic words Mom..

"he's good at being a bully at home... but not at school..."

I said it in my first post and I'll say it again - PLEASE find out if he's being bullied at school. If he is - its transferrance - he's transferring his anger, frustration and everything else to homelife.

I've seen it soooooo many times... please talk to him in a non-confrontational way where both of you can have a mediator or a place to go if things get heated. Perhaps write him a letter - and express yourself that way and he can do the same. Kids just dont want to talk about things at first, but.....if given the chance and time, they will open up if they know they wont be criticized and laughed at (not by YOU but others) i.e,. "I'm a big strong football player, I'm a "man", men arent supposed to cry.."

Bull - real men cry... and feel.. and care...

Again - hang in there.. and keep going forward.. not backwards honey...

 

[Fudgie]

Quote:
In my opinion, go get your car keys, climb into the van and drive to the hospital. tell them that you want your juvenile son checked out for hypothermia and hand them a note to drug test him. PERIOD.

Tell him you are concerned and that is that. No discussion.

He has given up his right to choices. if that does not do any good, call the police and have him arrested for truancy. He has a record of missing school and he needs to have an adjustment. Tough love mom tough love!

 

[redhen]

what i have had to do with some of my past teen foster children is: have a daily report from the teachers...it is very simple and VERY effective for keeping track of him AND his school work...example:

Math Science History etc....

Was he in class yes yes no

today?

was homework No yes yes
turned in?

tonights homework is:________________________

any teacher concerns:_________________________

and it was dated AND signed by the teachers each day....its easy..so, the teachers should not complain about doing it....and it REALLY works for me...becasue they KNEW....that if they brought home a bad report...didnt do homework..etc.....that there would be a consequence every time....unless the teacher wrote an excuse for him..**.i.e...johnny tried to work well in class today..but the kids were tossing desks around...so..**.LOL........good luck!, Wendy

 

[redhen]

ooh..and you can let him know that...if he continues to have a fit..you CAN have the cops come....and they will handle him then.(LET HIM KNOW THE CHOICE IS HIS....IT ALL GOES BY HIS BEHAVIOR....)...but..you dont want to leave him in your van...because then YOU could be held responsible if anything happend...know what i mean?.......tell him to come inside....and if he cant control himself while in YOUR house...you call the cops....dont give him any options....he's not the one in control there.....good luck again!, Wendy


edited to add: AND he really needs a drug test..asap....

 

[Year of the Rooster]

If you would like more teen insight, I'd be glad to help.

Just the other night my mom were having an arguement because of the new Swim Team coach we have this year. Everyone on the team hates her and her attitude is driving me nuts. These past few days we've had two hour delays and our practices are "optional"(we have them in the morning before school, I wake up at 5:00 and practice starts at 6:00 at our local YMCA) She comes up to me at practice and tells me that I was the only one who didn't let her know that I wasn't coming. All I said was 'ok' when she asked me to send her a text or call her or something to let her know. THEN I asked some of the other team members and they said they didn't know we had to, so, guess what?, I WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE. I have know idea what her deal was.

This isn't the only stress in my life though. This year (I am a sophomore.), I had my Grandpa die from cancer who was 84 AND I had my 20 year old cousin whom I've only seen ONCE in my entire life, die from a Heroin overdose. Talk about totally emotional stress. I have talked to my coach about the days that I would miss and you know what? SHE DIDN'T GIVE A CARE. All she cared about was if I would be at practice or not. No simpathy whatsoever.

Now back to my mom and I last night. I basically explained this to her and that noone else on the team likes her. My grandpa was also her dad so she could relate. I am also taking 3 honors classes and I doubled up on my sciences this year, talk about major academic stress. Not to mention all of the other physical/emotional changes that come with puberty. I am not one for stress you can probably tell, when I'm stress I get sick. Until last night, I felt horrible. My mom and I talked and I had a great cry.

The point here that people have already mentioned: Communication. I owe some of this to my mom who was persistent enough to get me to talk. Try talking to him. Isolate him in his bedroom or something so he cannot leave. Don't be discouraged. Like some others have said, watch out for drugs. My older brother was arrested this past summer for selling Marijuana and went to a prison. Hmm.. more stress...

Keep trying, be persistent. Talk. I'm sure your son will understand in the end. Explain to him that being a man doesn't mean being tough. I would know, I am very gentle and most people say I wouldn't hurt a fly(unless you really tick me off, and I mean REALLY.) I hope some of this helped.

 

[redhen]

me again..lol... i just wanted to let you know that i do foster care...and the program i work for is for high risk teens...so..i just wanted you to know there IS something you can do to get him the help he needs.....i actually have a 15 year old in my home now that his mother called CPS and ASKED for help with his behaviors...*all the ones you are explaining in your thread*...he was defiant/agressive/disrespectful/and not following school rules also....his mom finally had enough....and he's now in my home....where he DOES obey my rules...i think that her having him ACTUALLY removed from her house *which she had threatened for years* gave him a BIG wake-up call.....now he goes home on weekends and his family has in house therapy *provided by the state* and his goal for going back home is maybe the beginning of next month...sometimes they NEED you to step up..be firm..and let them know that you love them...BUT they cant live in your house and have those behaviors. my foster son knows that if he screws this up now..his next placement is in lock-up or a residental faculity...he is a smart kid....he's not going there.....and i would hate for your son to have to go the legal route....so....maybe call CPS and ask for help....they will direct you where to go...again, good luck!, Wendy

 

[piecemaker]

Quote:
nuff said

 

[kodiakchicken]

Mom2 - I won't even hazard a guess as what is going on with your son, because there are just too many things. I think Henny has hit it right on on some things, although I seriously doubt that a 6 foot, 200 pound uber-popular football player is being bullied at school.

However, it sounds like your husband is a bully. He screams and is strict and you can't even go to him? Maybe your son is sick of being bullied by his step-dad. Maybe he resents seeing his mother being bullied - again.

The first thing you need to do is call the cops. The next time he raises his voice, threatens, curses or hurts himself - pick up that phone and call the cops. Insist that there is danger in your home and you need their help. I had a friend that went through this with her son (a very popular baseball player) and when she called the Troopers and said her son was behaving in an threatening manner they sent out the biggest trooper on the force who took the kid for a little walk and basically gave him the "we can do this the easy way or the hard way" speech. If you can't control him and you don't trust your husband to, that's what the authorities are for.

Because your son comes from a father who was abusive and has witnessed it himself, he could very likely have those tendencies and is trying to deal with them himself.

Call the cops, do what you have to do to get him help an education. I'm with Miss Prissy - I've already told my 8 year old that if she wants to act up and skip school when she's a teenager I'll quit my job and walk from class to class with her if that's what it takes.

 

[Mom 2em All]

Thank you everyone for all you had to say, all advice and life experiences that you have had to offer.

I read each post, I think twice- at least. I will read them all again, and again and again. I will formulate a plan to get my son under control- and hopefully, be able to make it work.

I just wanted to tell you all- when my son was in the back of my van under a blanket, I went out there and jumped in and took off. I told him I wanted to talk to him. He repeatedly threatened to jump out of the van, and I told him he wasnt going to do that- because it would be stupid. I said, I want to talk to you Ryan.
He continued to threaten to jump out of the van, so i turned into the police station. He cussed and he screamed and he got out of the van and ran as fast as he could. I went into the police station, and I talked to an officer.
I gave a brief rundown of how my son had missed so many days of school, how he talks to me, etc. I asked them if they have a scared straight program in our area. He told me no. He told me I could go to jail because it is my responsibility that my son go to school...he in fact, echoed exactly what writerofwords had said about that. He then told me that it sounds like my son needed me to "knock his teeth out". And I said, "Oh, then i go to jail- I fail to see the point of how that would fix anything." He said, "You wont go to jail. you are allowed to hit kids, and should." He told me that if I called them while my son was 'flipping out', they would arrest him for domestic violence. I dont want that either.

I dont know how to proceed, but I am going to find something soon.