Rant about DH...

[Frosty]

I am just mentally exhausted...

A little background, I'll try to not get carried away. Back in 1990, DH had a career and life set back. and I think it got him really depressed. He turned into somebody that I don't know, and it left me carrying most of the load taking care of the home and family. About that time I developed severe back problems, and being in the military it took them 9 years to finally do an MRI and admit that I really did have a problem. I would come home from work and DH would just look up from his computer game and say 'poor sweetie... why don't you hurry up and fix dinner so that you can go to bed early?'

In 2001, DH had a stroke. He came through fine, but now in addition to the depression, he now had an excuse to sit around. And while sitting around, he eats. I try to buy healthy foods, but he buys junk and sits in front of his computer games. He is 6' tall and weighed around 205 when we got married (large frame but still slightly over weight), now I wouldn't be surprised if he weighed over 300 pounds. And I think he shrank a few inches too, he looks shorter.

Now to the present... about 1 1/2 months ago, DH started complaining about his leg hurting. After a few weeks of complaining, he finally went to the doctor who told him he thought DH messed up a disc in his back and it's sciatic pain. DH got something from the doctor saying that he shouldn't work for a week. After almost a week on pain killers and steroids, it wasn't better so he got the doctor to say he should be off for another week and they scheduled him for an MRI. Apparently the MRI does show a disc problem and they told him that he would need to see a neurosurgeon. They weren't getting back to him about setting up an appointment, but instead of bugging them about it he just complains that they haven't contacted him. Now work insisted that he come in. The last doctors note for another week off was dated March 9th and he didn't ask about an extension so can't blame the folks where he works... They provided him with a seat so that he doesn't have to stay standing and I think they are trying to be accomodating but they are also short staffed. DH is upset and saying that he doesn't know how they expect him to work when it's causing him this much pain and is saying that he might turn in his notice.

For the last month and a half, the man has done nothing but whine and complain. It is now almost the only thing that he talks about, every time I even walk past him he starts telling me how he feels. I am sure that the extra weight that he is carrying isn't helping for his back, but I can't do anything about it. Believe me, I have tried.

Before anybody tells me that he's needs to see a therapist for his depression, back around 2002 I told him that if he didn't see somebody, I was walking. I told him that I couldn't live like this. He did start seeing a psychologist but even after I contacted the guy and told him some background on what I felt was bothering DH, I don't think any of it was addressed. At the time, DH was retired military and wasn't working, and I think the two of them decided that DH just needed to get a job so that he would feel useful or something. Nothing changed. Then about a year ago DH just out of the blue said 'I think I'm depressed'. After picking my jaw up off of the floor, I said 'you think? Dude, you have been depressed since '90!' I laid out everything that I thought had been the cause, and he acted surprised. He told me that he thought I was right, but still nothing changed.

His depression, his back, his excessive weight... Possibly all linked. I can't do anything about any of it, you can lead a horse to water... The constant 'gloom and doom' complaining has me emotionally worn down. And I feel guilty because I am having a hard time maintaining sympathy.

I don't expect anyone to really have words of wisdom, I just needed to rant.

 

[Mattemma]

Hugs for you and dh. I hope he tries seeing someone else...afterall they are just people and some do not provide the best of care.

I have not had super luck with doctors treatment of chronic issues and had to deal with a lot of things on my own. My suggestion is to change his diet and lifestyle. Make him take walks with you even if it is just around the yard. I have read food and simple exercise can help heal,and it is something you might be able to get him to do if you don't make a big deal of it by explaining how this food,herb,exercise will help him.

Still look into help for him in the conventional medecine area,but also look into self help. When you start feeling better through simple changes you make it lights a spark in you to keep going. You just got to get that flame going in him.And I know you can only do so much. I worry about my dh who has put on extreme weight since his diabetes dx despite healthy foods. I think he just eats to darn much!

 

[annie3001]

sounds like besides ranting, you tried offering him help. help yourself first. if your in the right state of mind, you know what to do. if love is still there, by all means stick beside him. sounds like he needs help tho. you have done all you can.
hugs and good luck.

 

[rebel-rousing-at-night]

First to all the men,I don't want you all to take this as a personal insult. I know all of you aren't like this,just the men I have been so lucky to have.

All my men have been the worst whining complaining ppl when they so much as get "sniffles". I always tried to be the nurse to them I would have wanted to have.I would listen and offer comfort.

Well, let me say I have some very bad chronic health problems but I made a huge effort to keep my mouth shut about them.I can't stand to hear myself whine and I really don't want to hear it out of them-not when it becomes a broken record. I was with my last husband for 10 yrs.He knew I was sick a lot because so often I couldn't get out of bed. I never told him what was wrong because it would have been a waste of words. I couldn't keep my migraine problem from him and sometimes he was kind enough to take me to the doctor for a shot.

My last husband started complaining so much that after a while I had to basically ignore the complaints.That's awful of me but it got to be too much. I'm so sorry for you this is happening. I hate it for you because it causes such a strain on you and you will get depressed.I wish I had good advice.I know how hard it can be to hang in there under such pressure.

I hope someone here can offer some good advice.There are a lot of knowledgeable ppl here.

 

[Frosty]

Quote:
I have offered to walk with DH, he tells me that he can't walk because his feet hurt, or his knee hurts, or... We bought him a bicycle so that we could ride together, the first half mile is uphill from our house then it levels out. We made it up the hill and he said he needed to go back and never wanted to go again. He says he needs to lose weight, I pack him healthy lunches and he gets chips from somewhere and eats them too. I imagine that when you get to the point where you need to lose 100 pounds, it probably feels hopeless. I just don't know how I can help him when he won't make an effort. He was told by a doctor about a year ago that he is pre-diabetic, and I think he's also a heart attack waiting to happen. Still he eats candy, chips and all kinds of processed foods.

He won't listen to me... after his stroke he was complaining that he could feel his heart stopping. A few trips to the doctor about that and they hooked him up with a monitor for 24 hours. Turns out he was having heart PVCs, doctor told him that they were 'uncomfortable but not life threatening'. I did some research and told DH that I thought he needed to quit the caffeine. He didn't like that suggestion, but when he told the psychologist that I said it and the guy told DH that it wasn't a bad idea... he did it because the psychologist said to. The PVCs quit.

Hmmm... maybe now that his back is out I can really control his diet! All of those sodas he drinks, bags of chips... if he can't walk to go shopping...

Quote:
If love is still there... that's the tough question. Sometimes I feel like I love him, but I think it's more of a case that I care about him. He was married before, and I don't know if he would survive a second failed marriage. I worry because his mother had mental issues and commited suicide when he was 17. After the depression hit, I don't feel like I even know him, he changed completely. We used to do things together, even if it was working together on a vehicle it was fun. We were in the military and stationed on Guam at the time, his whole career was spent close to the ocean and he was really into diving. Then they sent us to North Dakota, as far from the ocean as you can get. At the same time, the move also caused a job set back that was essentially a demotion. He spiraled down, and pretty much shut me out. I tried to be understanding and tried to give him time and TLC. Then I set up a romatic evening to try to bring the spark back... He was watching TV and asked me to wait until the show was over. Don't have to tell me twice. All of it leaves me feeling like I am putting in all of the effort. To hold the relationship together, to keep him from self destructing.

When I retired, I was just exhausted from working full time at work then working full time at home. So I didn't get another job when I retired. If he turns in his notice, I'll have to get a job. Not only for an extra paycheck, but also to get to peace. Sad, huh? This isn't what I think a marriage should be.

 

[schellie69]

I would suggest that maybe you see a therapist who can help you deal with all the emotions that this relationship is causing you. A one sided marriage will not work. You have to do what is best for you we can't change another person we can only change the way we react to the person and in some ways you are enabling him to be this way. I went through 3 years of trying to figure out what was wrong with me, I hated that I could not fix what was wrong finally got to a doctor that figured out the problems and fixed what we could and now I use meds to help with the other part my DH was my rock through those times he knew how I hated how I felt. Once I was better he helped find things that I could still do and we did many things together. A marriage is a partnership. Call a therapist and set up an appointment for you. Good luck. and I hope things do get better.

 

[pdsavage]

You can't help him unless he is ready to get help,by help I mean get him motivated to do the right thing.It will only get him angry and defensive at you.Been there done that....
Your his wife not his mother,he has to learn about his proublems and what can be done to change it.You can tell him till your blue in the face and he will think your being mean and critical.If you do all the work for him how will he know to help himself?Lay down all the info he needs and let him take it from there.But tell him that if things don't change and he keeps up the self pity your gone.

There are plenty of people who work even when sick or in pain and don't complain.....

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

Time for you to see a therapist about your depression.

Yep, your depression. You've done what you can for his and for him. It is time for you to get help dealing with your feelings and your needs.

How you feel about him and your relationship won't be clear to you until you deal with your depression.

 

[ranchhand]

Take care of yourself first, it's probably very difficult to keep going even on a "good" day.

I think having a counselor that YOU can talk with would be a wise move.

 

[Frosty]

Thanks guys, you are all awesome!

And ranchhand, I just noticed your signature line about the chickens WILL eat you... thank you for the laugh!

I did go to a therapist for a while while he was going to another, but the one that the military sent me to really wasn't much good. She actually suggested that I 'run away from home for a while'. Yeah, right. I'll get right on that. Part of the problem was that I can also be a good listener, and in the course of our sessions we would be talking, and I think I learned more about HER problems than she did mine. But now I am out of the military and can choose who I go to.

I would be lying if I said there were never any good days but they can be few and far between. I think he knows when it's all getting to me, and then he lets me get things like the chicks I ordered this year. He knows that chicks make me happy, but I actually was surprised that he was ok with this years order since most aren't coming from a hatchery so they aren't cheap.

Sometimes I feel that what's best for me would be to walk out the door, but I guess I am a bit like him that I'm not willing to help myself? Because if whats possibly best for me has the potential to cause great harm to somebody else, would it be the right thing to do? Perhaps instead of going to counceling for myself, would it be better to go to marriage counceling so that we can both work on the issues together? The man that I fell in love with must be in there somewhere, isn't he? I saw a glimpse of him a few weeks before he had his stroke. It was about -20 outside and we were out replacing the clutch on my vehicle in an unheated garage. We had a heater running, but it wasn't making much dent in the cold, everything was going wrong with the job, but we were working together. Apart from the fact that we were freezing, we were also laughing, talking, and had FUN. In the meantime, maybe I should tell him that we need to find something to do together on a regular basis because I miss him? Think that could make him less defensive? Because I DO miss him. Even when he's in the next room.